


Death By A Thousand Cuts

by taytaedaylight13



Category: Taylor Swift (Musician), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Death by a Thousand Cuts, Drama, F/M, Kim Namjoon - Freeform, Romance, She/He POV, Smut, bts fanfic, bts rm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:59:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 83,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24371680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taytaedaylight13/pseuds/taytaedaylight13
Summary: “Gave you so much but it wasn’t enough, but I’ll be alright... it’s just a thousand cuts.”— Taylor Swift (2019)“Was it worth it?Was he worth it?Was my love worth it?”Keira had enough of her love to give, especially when it came to one man. But what if, along the run, her love, her time, her trust weren’t enough to hold and keep them together?Kim Namjoon boarded his windows up when one woman came to his life after he met up with a cruel fate two years ago. He had loved her as a great love. But Keira knew that she wouldn’t and will never be the greatest love in his life because from the very beginning up until the very end, there had always been someone else.And yet, the only question she asked herself again and again... even as the story was over, why did she still continue writing the pages?
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	1. Death by a thousand cuts ~Keira’s POV~

**Author's Note:**

> Hi Kaila here again! 😳
> 
> This is Death by a thousand Cuts which features Kim Namjoon as the main character to be told in the main heroine’s POV for chapter 1. 🔪😔
> 
> Hope you like this new story of mine as much as I had loved writing it 👀
> 
> WARNING: there are “special” scenes so pls proceed with caution ☺️☺️☺️  
> (my first time doing something like this PLS bear with me) 
> 
> **  
> Story playlist: 💜🐨  
> Death by a thousand cuts — Taylor Swift  
> One Way — LOONA YYXY  
> Lost in Love — Girls’ Generation  
> Butterflies — Red Velvet  
> Sunset — TWICE  
> Love is You — Punch  
> Love Maze — BTS
> 
> link: 👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻https://open.spotify.com/playlist/18U1pTvxqfNaD5EsMlJ48g?si=mNtJ_OsxRMa2SvnVMYJvfw
> 
> **  
> PS. PS.  
> Shoutout to Trish for helping me with the plot! 💗 I hope I did justice to your suggested special cameo character, I love you! xoxo

_**Prologue:** _

I don’t know how long I’ve been standing by the sidewalk, I’ve seen the lights turn to _green, yellow orange, and red_ for how many times now. People passed by here and there. Car’s honking and smoke carried along with the passing breezes.  
 _“Keira, you don’t have to do this, right?”_  
His voice was the only audible thing I could hear echoing in my ear. At the back of my mind, me standing here alone by the side of the road while staring at the blinking traffic lights, my whole body felt numb.  
“ _Traffic lights_ , will I ever be alright?”  
When the sign turned to the color ‘ ** _red_** ’, I took a deep breath before the tears I had been holding back came drowning me on cue.  
 _“I’m sorry, Keira. I’m sorry.”_  
The memory of his strong warm arms wrapped around me, and his homelike scent that smelt like pine trees and his favorite soap were more than enough to hurt me in all possible ways.

How did it get to this point?

I don’t know. The only things I could remember were me saying goodbye and him not stopping me. The latter one hurts like shit. But, that was my reality.

The reality of not being the ‘ _ **greatest love**_ ’ to the man you have loved with all of _your heart, your hips, your body, and your love_.  
“Saying goodbye is _**death by a thousand cuts**_ indeed.”  
As soon as the traffic lights turned ‘ ** _green_** ’, I crossed the street with my tears being illuminated under the street lights while gripping tightly onto the letter that was in my pocket telling myself,  
“Time to take the long way home.”

_And that became the end of a love that I thought was one for the ages._

***  
 _ **Autumn of 2019:  
Seoul, South Korea**_

Flashbacks were waking me up again.

“It’s been 4 years, how time does pass by quickly they all say.”  
Putting down the bouquet of _white roses_ I wrapped around my arms, I put my hands together and said a tiny prayer before I looked at the one woman’s framed photo of her smiling saying,  
“It looks like I’m the one who visited you first this time. I hope you’re smiling so happily now whenever you are. I know he’ll want the same thing too.”  
Recalling what had happened last year, it still felt as if it had only occurred yesterday. But, there’s no point in crying over spilt milk anymore.  
“I’m sorry, but I need to go now. I wouldn’t want to overstay, not to mention... he might come at any moment, and... I’m not sure if I ever want to see him again.”  
Wiping the dry tears around the corners of my eyes, I carefully arranged the bouquet before I left.

The autumn air was chilly, but it felt like home. Being in Korea still felt like home even after everything that had happened.  
“Okay, time to head back then.”

After taking a quick shot of the familiar scenery I saw with my own two eyes, I tightened my coat and walked along with the nostalgic silence as my companion.  
“I hope that this season won’t make you remember us again, Kim Namjoon.”  
I whispered to myself as I looked up at the pale blue sky in reminiscence of the past that was long over, but nevertheless unforgettable.

**  
 _ **Winter of 2019:  
Paris, France**_

“Keira, you’ve really outdone yourself this time!”  
“Yes, all of these photos are absolutely beautiful.”  
Two of my friends remarked as I walked along together with them inside the studio.  
“Thank you guys. That means a lot. I’ve been putting this exhibit together for months now.”  
After coming back from South Korea a few months ago, I was busy with my upcoming exhibit here in Paris. Ever since I finished my contract with that company, I’ve been given so many opportunities to work with right after.  
“Your hard work is now paying off, just look at you.”  
“You’re one of the most talked about photographers. You even were one of the photographers for that big group during their world tour.”  
On cue, the memories of the past then came knocking inside my head without hesitation. Pushing them away quickly, I just nodded with a smile to them saying,  
“That was just the push I needed to open up my eyes to a whole new perspective with my career.”  
“You’ve grown so mature lately, Keira.”  
“She’s right.”  
Mature huh? I don’t know about that. Maybe I’ve just shut out my heart from anything that could hurt me, that’s more precise to describe the current me at the moment.  
“Really? I’ll take that as a compliment then.”

I excused myself from the two of them as I continued to roam around my exhibit and talked to the guests who took their time to come and visit. I was then surprised when,  
“Keira!!!”  
“Patricia!”  
One of my closest friends then came to visit as well. She was a friend from the company I got contracted with in the past. I then walked up to her and hugged her tightly.  
“I can’t believe you really came all this way!”  
“Well, I had something important to deal with here. And I remembered the invitation you sent to me by mail, so here I am!”  
To see a familiar face in the crowd made me relieved. It looks like my nerves can finally settle down.  
“Wow, you’re really something else now huh? You’ve made a name for yourself in a matter of years, look at this exhibit!”  
She couldn’t help but remark in awe as we stood in front of one of my favorite photos I photographed.  
“Thanks Patricia, to hear you say that, it makes me happy. You’re one of the few people who had supported me since back then, that’s why thank you.”  
“Aww, you’re making me soft right now. Come here, I just missed you so much.”  
The two of us hugged each other again. It’s been more than a year since we last saw each other, but we haven’t stopped communicating through social media.  
“The _**traffic lights**_ huh?”  
“It’s one of my favorites I ever took.”  
“I think it’s becoming one of my favorites too now, Keira.”  
Patricia and I were looking at the one photo that felt more special to me than the other photos I took. It was a photo of the night sky in Paris behind the busy main street where people were passing by right across the traffic lights.  
 _“Just by looking at those traffic lights, it all comes back as if everything that happened was just a dream.”_  
I thought to myself as Patricia then gave me a small smile and asked,  
“Keira, are you okay now?”  
Closing my eyes, I then reflected myself at her question. Of course I knew she was going to ask me that question at one point because she’s my friend, but I still don’t know how to answer that even now.  
“I’m slowly getting there, Patricia. Sorry for making you worry.”  
I just told her my honest answer. Patting me on the back, she shook her head telling me,  
“It’s okay. We all have our own ways of moving on. I’m just happy that you’ve found yourself even after what happened.”  
“I want to become stronger for my own sake now, Patricia.”  
She just gave me her usual comforting smile and nodded.  
“And you are, Keira. I’m proud of you.”  
Her simple words were more than enough for me instead of a hundred compliments from other people I don’t know.  
“Thank you, Patricia.”

I showed her the rest of my photos. It felt like we weren’t apart at all for more than a year of not seeing each other.  
“Your photos are more... how do I say this, more real now?”  
“More real?”  
That was a weird way of putting it, but since she’s an important friend to me and all, I thought seriously about what she had to say.  
“Yeah, back then your photos were indeed beautiful but... for some reason, they lacked...”  
At that very moment, a certain memory and one voice then came echoing inside my head.  
 _“What you capture are really beautiful Keira-ssi, but I can’t seem to see the real you behind them. It’s like I’m only seeing an imaginary part of you.”_  
“They lacked myself?”  
She nodded in awe of how I was able to tell.  
“Yes, that’s it. How did you know?”  
My lips just turned to a sincere smile as I then told her while glancing at the photo we were looking at,  
“Because that’s the exact same thing he had said to me in the past.”

After Patricia took her time to stay and admire all of my photos, we promised to see each other again real soon. I then went back to greeting everyone who came.  
“U-Um, you’re Miss Keira right?”  
“It’s really good to meet you face to face, Miss Keira!”  
I could only blink in surprise when two teenage girls then came up to me with the biggest smiles on their faces. Miss Keira is kind of like the nickname I’ve gained over the years when I started posting my photo portfolios online through my second blog.  
“You recognize me then?”  
The two of them exchanged glances and said,  
“Of course? Who wouldn’t recognize you?”  
“You’re like one of the greatest photographers we’ve seen, we really love your blog! And to think we get to see your photos up this close today!”  
Their reactions were so refreshing that it almost reminded me of familiar faces too that I happened to get to know of back then.  
 _“Wow, this is your blog noona?”  
“Daebak! If you ever have your own show someday, be sure to invite us okay?”  
“Professionals really have a different perspective huh?”_

 _“Don’t you dare open up that box in your memories, Keira. Just don’t.”_  
My thoughts scowled at me. Trying to keep up my usual composure, I just told them,  
“Thank you girls. That means a lot to me as a professional.”  
“We had loved your photos even back then!”  
“Yes! Especially your photos of the seven guys from that worldwide group **BTS**! Those were amazing!”  
The mere mention of the group **BTS** almost crumbled my disposition. But, I knew I had to get a hold of myself because I’m not the same woman I was in the past. Taking a deep breath to myself, I said,  
“Nothing could compare to that memorable experience, girls.”  
That wasn’t a lie. Although as much as I would like to forget everything that had happened before, I couldn’t deny the fact that if it wasn’t for one man, I wouldn’t be able to stand on my own two feet here now.  
“We were so sad when we heard word that you stopped working with them.”  
“But to think you’ve made it this far already, we’ll definitely cheer you on with your new works in the future!”  
After they asked me then for my signature, they politely excused themselves leaving me alone to my own thoughts again.  
 _“They were sad huh?”_  
Right after my job contract with _BigHit Entertainment_ ended, I was close enough to take down my original blog but I decided to leave the site be because it still served a lot of memories not only for me, but also, for those girls. To be honest, I hadn’t opened that blog ever since.

And no, I’m not going to think about opening it at present.

“Mademoiselle Keira, it looks like you’ve reached a full house on your first return exhibit. Not to mention, in the very _City of Love_ itself.”  
I was relieved of the news, yet at the back of my mind, this was a huge gamble to track where the direction of my career was going. After coming back from Seoul a few months ago, I didn’t think I could pull this exhibit off. But, I guess it’s true what they say that you reap what you sow at the end.  
 _“I guess getting my heart ripped along the process was to make me who I am now huh?”_  
My brain threw at me sarcastically. I turned to the head of the event area’s staff and said,  
“Thank you for the hard work today. I’ll treat you all to dinner right after this event. This wouldn’t have been possible with all your help.”  
“You’re too kind, mademoiselle Keira. The staff and I have seen all of your efforts these past months. You deserve it and this place was lucky enough to book someone as talented and driven as you are.”  
I almost teared up at what she had to say. It was as if I was seeing the rainbow after a very cloudy and rainy weather. It was as if all of the sadness in the past was to make way for days like these.  
“Thank you... thank you, really.”

 _A few moments later..._  
It was right around an hour before the exhibit was about to end. I roamed around and watched the groups of people still admiring my photos. I’ll never get tired of seeing this kind of view with my own two eyes. And then,  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“I-It couldn’t be...”_  
My gaze couldn’t stop shaking and my chest’s pounding grew loud at the familiar sight that I then caught. That _tall figure, those finely toned muscles that were hugging his clean white shirt even beneath his long black coat, that familiar black cap, that deep brown-eyed stare, that sculpted side profile_... the very figure that I swore I would never find myself in the same room ever again. There he was, standing ever so handsomely with his arms crossed together while staring at one of my framed photos. The very photo that Patricia and I were contemplating at a while ago. The next words that could only come out of my mouth were,  
“Kim Namjoon-ssi, what are you doing here?”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
Right then at that very moment in time, our eyes locked onto each other’s for the first time since the last time we saw one another.

“It’s been a long time, hasn’t it, Keira-ssi?”  
**  
 _ **Summer of 2017:  
Chiang Mai, Thailand**_

“Thank you for coming.”  
As the last guest for my closed exhibit had left, I was left to ponder to myself. I looked over at all the photos framed on the wall. Sometimes, I do wonder if photography is still my calling. When I look at the photos now, I don’t feel the same spark I did back when I first held a camera in my small hands as a little girl.  
“ _Home_ , huh?”  
My eyes then focused on one particular photo. It was the photo I had taken right before I had left Paris to see the world with my own eyes. I don’t know if running away is the solution for now, but in reality, it was the most viable way to rediscover myself.  
“It’s a beautiful photo.”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
My heart accelerated at the deep voice that then echoed my ears. Looking over where it was coming from, I was baffled at the identity of the very figure I then saw.  
“I didn’t expect you Mr. Kim to come here.”  
“Mr. Kim? Now that’s a weird way to call me.”  
Walking up to my side, he then stared at the photo in front of us while pushing back his black framed eyeglasses.  
“Where did you take this photo?”  
Following his line of gaze, I then said to him,  
“From the topmost view of the _Eiffel Tower_. I’ve seen the view for a thousand times since I was a little girl, but no matter how many years pass by, the view still remains unchanging but memorable.”  
“I see, hence the title ‘ _ **Home**_ ’ huh?”  
I nodded. The two of us continued to stare at it in comfortable silence. I was still a bit surprised at how he was able to wind up here of all places, but I let it be for now because it felt serene to have another person right now with me.  
“Um, Miss Keira?”  
Miss Keira? How did he even know my name? Usually, that would be the nature park’s staff’s way of calling me.  
“Yes Mr. Kim?”  
He just scratched the back of his head while stifling a slight chuckle that made the dimples on his face pop out.  
 _“A man with dimples? That’s pretty rare...”_  
I thought to myself as I then listened to what he then said.  
“I think it’s too formal for you to call me Mr., my name is Kim Namjoon.”  
Of course I knew who he was, I doubt anybody wouldn’t be able to do so? Just by looking at his dimples, it was no doubt him. The man standing right beside me was a very recognized individual.  
“I know who you are, Kim Namjoon of the world famous group, **BTS**.”  
He just blinked at my witty retort.  
“Is that so? I’m honored that a known photographer like you Miss Keira would recognize me.”  
My eyebrows then raised in suspicion of his words.  
“Hmm? You know me then?”  
He just gave me another chuckle that made his deep dimples pop out even more saying,  
“Can I be honest?”  
I knew it. With a tiny sigh, I just nodded thinking,  
 _“I knew it was too good to be true for someone like him to know me.”_  
“One of our members, Kim Taehyung, can’t stop talking about your photos.”  
Now, that was some surprising news to drop indeed.  
“Oh? That sure is surprising.”  
“He really loves photography and he’s always looking forward to your next works. I wonder how he’s going to react when I tell him I’ve been to one of your exhibits myself.”  
His words made me chuckle in return. I really thought someone as famous as him would come off distant or aloof, but it looks like you can’t believe and judge everything you see online. He seemed like a genuine guy even behind the fame.  
“I have extra photos from this exhibit in my portfolio, I can sign one and you can give it to him. If that’s okay with you, Mr. Kim?”  
He nodded still amused by whatever I had to say for a weird reason.  
“I’m sure he’d be thrilled with that, Miss Keira.”  
“Did I say something funny, Mr. Kim?”  
“It’s just weird having someone call me Mr. Kim, you sound like one of the people from the nature park.”  
Well, I had no choice but to reply back,  
“You’re also calling me Miss Keira which is also how they all call me back at the nature park.”  
The passing laughter relieved any of the awkward air between us as he then said,  
“Call me Namjoon, Miss Keira.”  
He then extended a friendly hand towards me on cue. With a shrug, I couldn’t just ignore his way of being polite even if it was late for introductions already. Our two hands then met up finally.  
“Keira, just Keira, monsieur Namjoon.”

The two of us exchanged friendly handshakes that day, and I didn’t expect at all to where that handshake would lead the two of us right after.

Yet, that was a story left for another time.  
**  
 _ **Winter of 2019:  
Paris, France**_

“Come here, you _pabo_.”  
Without second thoughts, I then pulled him by the hand and entered the private waiting room where I put the rest of my things. Immediately locking the door behind us, I let go of my grip on his hand saying,  
“Are you trying to cause a commotion by coming here or what?”  
I almost yelled at him, but I had to keep my shit together. He just sighed and crossed both of his hands telling me seriously,  
“No. I just happened to pass by and saw there was an open exhibit here, but to think it’d be your exhibit too. _Fate_ is really a funny thing huh?”  
Please don’t give me those sad eyes, that kind of gaze that could make my heart waver and quiver. Why? Why did he have to appear into my life again? Is this some sort of cruel, sick joke _fate_ has for me again?  
“Namjoon-ssi, why are you here really? I don’t believe you just came out here on a whim, don’t you think I know you better than that?”  
We continued to stare at each other in dead silence. The air around us became tense in less than a minute. With a sigh, he then said,  
“If I tell you that I came to see you, would you even believe me?”  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“Would you even believe me?”_  
The pounding of my heart grew loud, but it was suffocating in every way. It was as if the past came pushing its way back to my life now. Have I really moved on? Have I really moved on from this man in front of me?  
“No. I wouldn’t. You know that what happened between us is long over right?”  
“Keira-ssi...”  
I could feel the tears forming around the corner of my eyes on cue. Wiping them, I just said to him,  
“Don’t... don’t just appear in front of me after all this time and make me throw away all the effort I’ve been striving for to forget you.”  
My chest grew painful with every word I had just told him.  
“Keira-ssi, I’m sorry please don’t cry.”  
When he was about to come closer to reduce the distance between us, I stopped him on cue.  
“No. Don’t come closer Namjoon-ssi. I don’t need your comfort right now. I... I don’t know if my heart will be able to handle it. I, I’m okay.”  
I was about to look for my handkerchief when he then extended his arm towards me with a white hankie in his palm.  
“Here. If you don’t mind,”  
“Thank you.”  
Leaving me with no choice, I accepted his hankie and used it to wipe away my tears.  
“You’re not going to get this hankie back, you know that right?”  
“It’s fine with me. You’ve grown stronger after all this time huh?”  
His last sentence made my whole body tremble. I can’t believe he still had that effect over me.  
“I had to. I had to become stronger for myself. I had to become stronger even though it felt like my heart was ripped into pieces.”  
“Keira-ssi,”  
Taking a deep breath, I just said to him with a wry smile taking over my lips,  
“Let’s just stop this once and for all, Namjoon-ssi.”

Before I knew it,  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“W-What are you?!”  
I didn’t react in time when he out of the blue closes the distance between us in a flash and I felt both of his big, warm hands cup my cheeks and said while looking straight into my _gray eyes_ ,  
“Fuck it.”  
My whole thought process blanked out the moment I felt those familiarly reminiscent lips on mine. His lips were still the same after all this time, _perfect in every way_ , made me melt and weak in the knees.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi, s-stop...!”  
I tried my hardest to push him away but it was no use when my whole body just resisted; and not to mention, I was punching him on his chest with every force yet he still managed to hold both of my hands together with one hand and his other hand just held me steady at the back of my head.  
“Fuck Keira, love, open your mouth for me.”  
As if I was under his hypnotic spell, I did what I was told. It didn’t even take a second before our tongues found each other once again. His kiss was powerful, but still had that gentleness that reminded me of how he did it in the past.  
“Mmm... a-ah, Namjoon-ssi, p-please...”  
In between my soft moans from where this kiss was going, he just leaned his forehead on mine and looked at me with those _piercing brown-eyed_ gaze of his. A gaze I once was highly entranced with.  
“Keira, I’m going to kiss you again.”  
“W-Wait,”  
Without even giving me a chance to answer, he gently pushed his lips on mine again. Our heavy breathing and tongues continued to pace perfectly with each other. At the back of my mind, everything that was happening was wrong in every way but...  
 _“When Kim Namjoon kisses you like this, there’s no way you can simply escape.”_  
The rest of my reasoning turned blur and as soon as he left teasing pecks on my earlobe up to my very neckline, I had to hold back my voice from going louder since the exhibit was still on going outside of this very room.  
“A-Ahh, Namjoon-ssi... n-not there,”  
As his warm lips trailed a kiss at the back of my neckline, I couldn’t resist any longer as he then held me tightly and steadily with my feet now wrapped around his waist and both of my hands also wrapped around his neck.  
“Sssh... Keep your voice quiet for now, Keira, love.”

I don’t know why, but it felt like _deja vu_. It felt like deja vu with him whispering in my ear with his hot breath. It felt like deja vu with him possessing me through every touch.

It felt like the past had knocked down my heavily built up walls in a snap and was ready to haunt me all over again.  
**  
 _ **End of Summer of 2017:  
Phuket, Thailand**_

“W-What?”  
Picking up my scattered clothes on the floor, it still felt unreal what happened between one man and I last night but what he said next left me more speechless than yesterday.  
“Why don’t you apply at our company, Keira-ssi?”  
His question made me queasy for a lot of reasons. The only thing I could say was,  
“Are you for real Namjoon-ssi?”  
He nodded with a sincere smile before pulling me back to the bed with him.  
“Why would I joke about something like this? Of course, you’re talented. Imagine the job opportunities you’re going to get if you work for the company.”  
The man had a point. Their company is one of the most stable entertainment companies to date especially since their group is at the very front of every single thing now, from commercials, to brand ambassadors, to clothing partnerships, you name it. Heck, if I were the CEO, I’d be dancing up and down because the whole company is at the very top at the moment.  
“You’re turning quiet now, are you thinking about it seriously?”  
Our gazes then caught each other’s. I still felt a bit embarrassed at the realization that we were both naked in a beautiful beach view room with the early morning sunshine shining through the glass window.  
“Y-Yes, I am. That’s why don’t ask me for an answer so hurriedly. I still need time to think about it.”  
“Okay then.”  
 _*ring* *ring*_  
Namjoon gave me a quick peck on the forehead before he left to answer his phone.  
“I’ll be back.”  
As I was left alone to think about his sudden proposition, the memories of the past months came replaying inside my head.

I didn’t think it’d be possible to fall in love with someone in a foreign country where we both live in different parts of the world, but here I was.

Undoubtedly my heart was now under the spell of one beautiful man. If you had told me I would share the most breathless night with him back then, _I wouldn’t believe you_. He was a man who loved the simplest of things behind the not-so ordinary life he had in the spotlight. He was easy to love but sometimes, a heavy feeling weighs down on me.  
“Namjoon-ssi, let’s go walk down the beach later during sunset. I heard that the beach looks even more breathtaking at that time.”  
“That’s something _she_ would say. Okay, let’s go see it together later.”

I wasn’t a fool. I knew from the moment I was starting to develop forbidden feelings for him, he was a man who was still trying to piece back himself together after the terrible loss that happened to him _2 years ago_.  
 _“Maybe I’m the bigger fool though...”_  
I asked myself many times that I had lost count. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy for him to move on, but I risked it nevertheless. I risked myself for a doomed relationship from the start, but ‘ _love is love_ ’ is what everyone says. Right?  
“If you want to talk about her Namjoon-ssi, don’t worry about me. You don’t have to hold yourself back,”  
“Keira-ssi,”  
“Didn’t I tell you I wouldn’t mind? I know you still love her after all.”  
He’d just hug me in comforting silence if I had said something like that. To feel his warmth up close was a privilege I had unlike the girl in his past. Yes, it was terrible of me to think like that, but the thought of losing him, _that was even scarier_.

In the end, I was only human. Even my feelings weren’t enough to keep us together.

**  
 _ **Winter of 2019:  
Paris, France**_

“N-Namjoon-ssi, no.... m-mmm...”  
As he pinned my back to the wall, he continued to have his way with me. And yes I let him. I don’t know if it was because I had missed his golden touch that sent all kinds of shivers throughout my body, or maybe simply, it was because I had missed him, _just all of him._  
“A-ah fuck Keira, you’re turning me on so much.”  
Before I knew it, his magic hands then trailed inside my dress since both were free to do anything as my body was being supported by the wall. He unhooked my bra instantly. I was still lost in ecstasy from his lips and tongue.  
“Mmm, a-aah Namjoon-ssi... p-please,”  
“Should I massage you here then?”  
My whole body whimpered on cue when he started massaging my breasts ever so gently and teasingly in nostalgia. I had to grip my arms around his neck more tightly as my hands tugged tightly onto his shirt from behind and my face was still entrapped with his never ending kisses.  
“Does that feel good to you, my love?”  
“Y-Yes, it does...”  
“Your honesty hasn’t changed even now huh?”  
As our eyes caught each other’s, _both gray and brown eyes_ reflected in one another, I just looked at him in a daze from all the pleasure wondering,  
“A-Are you really him?”  
“Keira-ssi,”  
With my body going hot, his hands then trailed and caressed me on my hips next as he gave me a quick kiss on the forehead just like in the past.  
“Of course, it’s me Keira-ssi.”  
The moment his gaze had that sad glint in both of his eyes, I just took in another whiff of his scent. _His pine scented cologne mixed with a bit of his sweat_. That was the scent of the Kim Namjoon I had loved. Then and there, the bitter realization came to me.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“Not even his touch was enough to quiet my fears...”_  
I thought to myself pitifully. I let the longing and short pleasure took over me. But, I can’t let this continue. Not when we both know where this is going to end up at.  
“Namjoon-ssi, please let me go.”  
“Keira-ssi,”  
“P-Please, just let me go.”  
Namjoon slowly lets me go finally as I felt both of my feet land back on the floor. Trying to hold back from tearing up, I fixed my dress and hooked back my bra. I didn’t even need a mirror to know that my hair was disheveled and my make up was smudged because of that make out session that almost turned for the worst if we hadn’t stopped.  
 _“Damn it Keira, you almost fell into his trap.”_  
My inner thoughts scolded on cue.  
“Keira-ssi, can we talk about?”  
Before any more words could leave his mouth, I cut him off and said,  
“You’re free to roam around the exhibit for now, I need to go back out there or else the guests and studio staff are going to wonder where I disappeared to.”  
“I understand then.”  
He fixed himself up just so it wouldn’t be obvious that we did something here just now before he headed straight for the door.  
“I know it’s unfair of me to say this, but I’ll wait for you no matter what, Keira-ssi.”  
Namjoon’s last words before he closed the door made me surprised, but no, it wasn’t in a good way. Now that I was alone, there was no use in holding back my tears anymore.  
 _“I’ll wait for you no matter what,”_  
“H-How do I make myself forget you if you suddenly say things like that the very moment we see each other again after all this time, Kim Namjoon?”

As I let the rest of my tears fall down on my dress, I grabbed a little pink pouch from my bag and took out what was inside.  
“M-Maybe it’s time I give you back to him, right?”  
I gripped tightly to my chest the _small locket necklace_ that was my last piece of memory of him. I had never worn it again ever since our relationship had ended. And maybe, this was the right time to give it back.

Maybe that was the reason why _fate_ made us see each other again without intention.  
That was the only reasoning I could convince myself of without all the hurt and heartbreak.  
**  
 _ **Autumn of 2017:  
Seoul, South Korea**_

“Are you sure about this Namjoon-ah?”  
“Yes.”  
He nodded and took my hand as we entered the place together. The air was filled with nothing but the scent of different flowers and candle wax.  
“So this is where you visit her then.”  
“Yeah, she also loves the scent of _white roses_. It’s her favorite flower.”  
Namjoon explained as he put down the bouquet of white roses. Both of our gazes then focused on the framed photo of the girl with a bright smile behind her _light brown eyes_.  
“ _Kayla_ , I brought someone. I didn’t want to hide it from you, but I’ve met someone. Her name is Keira, she knows about us. She knows about you.”  
“I find it weird to tell her that I’m happy to finally see her. Is it okay to say it like that?”  
I turned to Namjoon confused of how I should react to the situation right now. We found ourselves visiting the very girl who was _still the most important woman in his life_. I don’t know how he managed to persuade me to come here, but I do recall him mentioning that it was around this time, the time she passed away _2 years ago_.  
“It’s up to you, Keira-ssi.”  
His response didn’t help at all. I just sighed to myself before saying with a smile,  
“Hello _Kayla-ssi_ , I’m Keira. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you. Namjoon-ssi talks a lot about you. You’re a very important person to him.”  
 _“And you’re one lucky woman.”_  
That was one sentence I couldn’t say out loud especially since he was here with me. To be really honest, I don’t know how I should feel at the moment. How would you feel if you were in my place? Watching the man you’ve fallen in love with stare nostalgically at his long, lost love.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Namjoon-ah, she’s the reason why you wrote _I Need U_ right?”  
“Yeah, I wrote it a time where I didn’t know she had hidden her sickness from me and I had to confront her about it. In the end, she told me she wanted to break up because she didn’t want to hurt me. To hurt us.”  
 _“Keira, get a hold of yourself. You knew this was going to happen once you had said yes to him.”_  
My inner thoughts tried to appease me. Taking a deep breath, I put on the best smile I had to do because even though Namjoon’s love wasn’t completely meant for me at this point in time, it doesn’t mean the love I have for him is any less.  
“Namjoon-ah, things happen for a reason. It might be too personal for me to say this, but she’s in a better place now.”

However, I was _too blinded_ to even realize that my expectations would be the one sinking me down the drain in our relationship.  
**  
 _ **Winter of 2019:  
Paris, France**_

“Is red wine okay with you?”  
“Yeah, it’s fine.”  
After the exhibit was over, I asked if the studio staffs were okay if I postponed the dinner I promised them tonight and had it moved tomorrow instead. They agreed and I was thankful for their understanding because, I had an important reason too why I had to cancel it right now.  
“Are you sure that you can be seen with me here? Do the guys and your manager know where you are?”  
“Yeah, the guys know and I informed manager hyung where I am now.”  
“Good. Sometimes you forget that you’re not an ordinary person to the world, Namjoon-ssi.”  
I pointed out to him as I took a sip of the wine from my glass. After the exhibit of course, the two of us went to a restaurant to grab dinner since he was insistent to do so. Good thing the restaurant I’m a usual visitor at had a private room available.  
“I’m just an ordinary man to you though, Keira-ssi.”  
He replied back as he also took a sip of the wine from his glass while looking at me. Although it was safe for him not to be seen by crowds of people in a public place, it made me uneasy to be in a room alone with him again. What happened at the waiting room back at the studio lingered inside my head.  
 _“Being alone with a guy like Kim Namjoon is bad for anybody’s heart. Really,”_  
I thought to myself ironically. Recalling the reason why I even agreed to coming to dinner with him, I then grabbed the pink pouch from my bag and placed it on his side of the table. His eyes turned wide as if he was stunned at what was inside the pouch itself.  
“What’s this?”  
“I’m giving you back the one last thing I’ve been holding on to all this time.”  
Curious of what I was trying to mean, he then held the pouch with his big hands and took out what was inside.  
“This is...”  
“Maybe this was a sign that I had to give that back to you because... there’s no other plausible reason why we saw each other again, right?”  
Namjoon held on to the _small golden locket_ in his right hand’s palm with his whole face expression turning grim.  
“You really believe this was the only reason we happened to see each other again?”  
My chest felt like it was being squeezed tight every time I see that sadness flow from his eyes. Yet, I didn’t have the right to be worried about his sadness anymore.  
“Namjoon-ssi, please don’t make this any more harder than it already is. _We broke up_. We wanted different things for the future. Did you ever think what would have happened if you had stopped me that night?”  
He just replied me with his usual deafening silence. Whenever I hit him right at the very core of my honesty, he’d shut me out with his silence in return.  
“Let’s not spoil the evening with this topic please. Why can’t we just be two people who can remain civil with each other and not let a failed relationship ruin it?”  
Namjoon then gripped tightly onto the necklace and almost raised his voice at me saying with a slightly frustrated facial expression,  
“I don’t want to be just civil with you, Keira! Don’t you understand? I still want you to be a part of my life!”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
Shit. Shit. Shit. Why did he have to say it like that? Just why? What does he want me to do? _Isn’t he trying to move on too?_ Why did he have to switch to calling me without honorifics as if we were still in the past?  
“Namjoon-ssi, what do you expect me to do? Just easily say I’m going to give you another chance? That I’ll easily open up my heart again to you? You... you have no idea how much I’m trying to suppress the feelings I have for you still.”  
“Keira, don’t you love me anymore?”  
As _his brown and my gray eyes_ then met up, I just shook my head and said to him without holding back,  
“I do and I always will love you Namjoon-ssi, but it doesn’t mean I’m ready to give you another chance. I was slowly moving on from our memories together and you just came barging yourself into my life again today. Do you know how confused I feel right now?”  
“Keira,”  
Taking my glass, I finished the rest of the wine which was already inside while trying to distract myself from tearing up again in front of him.  
“Maybe this is just the closure I needed. Hopefully, this is the last time we’ll see each other again. I gave you back the necklace, now there’s nothing to hold me back from moving on anymore.”  
“Keira, are you sure? You can keep the necklace. I’m afraid of misplacing it if I were the one who kept it. Please take it back.”  
For some reason, his face was speaking the truth. Namjoon wasn’t the type of guy who lied, usually you’d be able to tell if he lied to you or not. And yes of course, he’s also the type of person who loses important things all the time. With a long sigh, I just told him,  
“I’ll keep it on one condition.”  
His eyebrows then raised in curiosity of the condition I then mentioned.  
“What one condition?”  
“I’m keeping it but you have to promise me that this will be the last time we’re speaking to each other.”  
His eyes widened in pure shock of what he had just heard from my own mouth.  
“You’re really going to go that far to not seeing me again?”  
“How am I supposed to move on from you then? I just can’t buy an instruction manual with the title ‘ _how to move on from a heartbreak,_ ’ right?”  
Maybe it was the alcohol’s effect and all, but the two of us were now being more straightforward with each other and my courage was slowly coming out.  
“You don’t even believe me when I tell you that I went there to see you, how am I supposed to prove something like that then?”  
“ _You don’t_. That’s the reason why people break up. That’s the reason why people need to move on.”  
The light atmosphere quickly turned to a tense one as if the scene inside the waiting room was happening again, though the difference now was we were both slightly drunk and pissed at each other.  
“Don’t you believe that two people who were in love broke up because one, they completely didn’t feel anything for each other or two, they’re still not completely over each other but shit happens.”  
“I guess we’re reason number one then.”  
Namjoon looked frustratingly at me next.  
“Are you kidding me Keira? Why would I kiss someone I didn’t feel anything for huh? Do you really think that low of me?”  
My head was spinning with so much emotions that I couldn’t hold it in any longer.  
“N-Namjoon-ah, don’t you ever get the feeling that you gave so much of _your heart, your love, your body, your trust_ to one person but it wasn’t ever enough?”  
“K-Keira, I...”  
Wiping my tears, I just forced out a chuckle and continued.  
“ _The chandelier in the room is still flickering but I can’t pretend it’s okay when it’s not_... I can’t just pretend that you’re nobody to me Namjoon-ah because you were somebody to me. Somebody I had loved with everything I had to offer. But, that didn’t matter. It never mattered from the very start.”  
“I do love you, you were there for me at a very low point in my life. You picked up my broken pieces and glued them back together.”  
He tried to point out. Yet, it was no use as I just wiped the tear that then streamed down from my right cheek.  
“When you glue something back together, it _doesn’t completely erase the signs of damage and brokenness_ , Namjoon-ah. Just like how you can’t put back together a broken plate no matter how much you try to do so.”  
“...”  
As he replied at me with his silence, I managed to finally prove my point. Funny how that sudden analogy made so much sense. As much as I wanted to be there to fix Namjoon in the past, it _backfired_ at me in the end. And now, he was trying to do the same thing. I wouldn’t allow him to do that. It’s just going to be a repetitive, harsh cycle.

After dinner, I was the one who stood up first and was about to grab my coat as he then asked,  
“This is the last time we’ll see each other then?”  
Wearing my coat and scarf, I then told him while showing the necklace I was then holding on my left hand,  
“Yes. You promised me as favor for holding on to this.”  
“It’d be pointless if that necklace got lost after you held onto it the whole time even after what happened.”  
I just nodded in silence as I then fixed my hair before heading for the door.  
“Keira, wait.”  
My whole body froze the minute his hand then grabbed me by the arm to stop me.  
“Namjoon-ssi? What is it this time?”  
He struggled for the words he was about to say. I gently took off his hand holding on to my left arm saying,  
“If you’re worried about how I’m going to go home even when I’m slightly tipsy, don’t. I’m not your responsibility anymore.”  
“Shit, will you just let me say something?”  
Namjoon snapped back at me. His honesty was really something else whenever he’s drunk.  
“I know I have fucked up before, and I completely understand if you don’t ever want to see me again but I also believe that if two people truly loved each other, _fate cheats on them._ ”  
If two people truly loved each other, fate cheats on them?  
“Namjoon-ssi,”  
“That’s why, I’ll do whatever it takes to get you to forgive me... I don’t ever want to lose you again, Keira.”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
I couldn’t listen to this any longer. The more time we spend alone, it drifts me back to the echoes of the past. And I swore to myself I won’t open that damn box ever again. I don’t know if my heart would be able to handle it. I just gave him one last wry smile asking,  
“Namjoon-ssi, let me ask you for one last time... do you miss me because you love me? Or _do you miss me just because you miss the memory of me loving you?_ ”  
“Keira...”  
“If you don’t know the answer to that, there’s no reason for me to be here anymore. I wish you a good life always, goodbye.”

Before he could stop me, I opened the door and closed it behind him without looking back because if I do, there was a still slim chance that I’ll run back into his homelike arms and just forget all the hurt we had to go through since then.  
“Now _what once was ours, is no one’s now_.”  
I whispered to myself as I then stepped into the snow-filled road alone under the night sky in the _City of Love_ without the expectation of someone chasing me to stop unlike before.  
**  
 _ **End of Summer of 2017:  
Phuket, Thailand**_

“Hey, that was sly of you. Come here,”  
“A-Ah! No!”  
Phuket was a mini-paradise. There weren’t that much tourists around as we had expected which made it even more beautiful and we didn’t have to worry about Namjoon being seen by the public eye. The two of us most of the time spent wandering and exploring the beach. We’d chase each other on the narrow part of the water and sand like little kids. He’d grab me by the waist and hug me from behind while gently swinging me around like a child because I was lightweight as well.  
“P-Put me down! You’re unfair just because you’re much more taller than I’ll ever be!”  
“But this is more fun, don’t you think?”  
It didn’t feel like more than a month since we’ve been spending time together. It felt like I have known this man all my life even though I didn’t. He just gave me that kind of feeling somehow. Kim Namjoon had a hold of _my heart, my hips, my body, and all of my love_.  
“Namjoon-ssi, isn’t the view amazing?”  
“You’re absolutely right.”  
The beautiful red orange sky tinted with a bit of pale blue almost made my eyes stained red.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“It feels like the **_sunset_** is calling me.”  
“Calling you?”  
My heart throbbed the moment I felt Namjoon’s grip around my waist tighten and he gently leans his chin on my right shoulder.  
“Yes, I’ve seen countless sunsets before but...”  
“It feels like this one is more beautiful than anything you’ve seen before?”  
I nodded with a smile at how much he knew and was able to finish my sentences now.  
“Exactly like that, Kim Namjoon-ssi.”  
“You’re calling me formally again, didn’t I tell you to call me Joonie or Joon from now on?”  
“A-Aah,”  
My nerves skyrocketed the moment I felt his hot kiss on my right shoulder.  
“You’re so sensitive, Keira-ssi. It was just one kiss,”  
As if he wanted to tease me more, he traced his lips next to the side of my right neckline and kissed it there that it made my whole body jump at the pleasure.  
“M-Mmm, not there Namjoon-ssi...”  
“Until you call me Joonie or Joon, I won’t be stopping soon enough. Hmm...”  
Before I could even react, I felt my knees almost turn to jelly when he kissed me then on the back of my right earlobe.  
“H-Haaa, you’re really unfair J-Joonie...”  
“Good girl.”  
As I was about to glance back at him, our lips met up with each other’s that it made me melt in an instant.  
“J-Joonie...”  
“Mm, that’s your reward. Look, the color of your cheeks now match the sunset.”  
He told me amused of my embarrassed and all flustered up face after he caught me off guard with that kiss just now.  
“Hmph, I didn’t know you were a clingy type of guy.”  
“Oh you have no idea how clingy I can be, Miss Keira.”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
My chest pounded so loud the moment he then scooped me into his arms and carried me towards the two big in-between rocks at a far point of the beach.  
“J-Joonie, put me down! T-This is embarrassing damn it!!!”  
“Well, you have to hold on tight then!”  
As the waves then continued to make us both wet, the two of us felt as if we were in our own little bubble for now. The other world didn’t matter. There was only him and I as I then tightened my arms around his neck as he carried me with little effort at all.  
“A-Ah! You got us wet already! Shit, Joonie!”  
“Don’t worry Miss Keira, it’s only starting from this point!”  
I don’t know if I’ll be able to forget how _his brown eyes glistened under the gorgeous sunset sky, that charming smile of his with the dimples, his beautifully sculpted muscles showing off from his now wet white shirt, his sexy brown hair dripping wet_ as well as if he was a damn painting, everything about him was illegal in this light.  
“I-I can’t believe you’re real,”  
“Keira-ssi?”  
As he laid me down on the sand with the two big rocks protecting us from the sea’s waves, I could see my reflection being mirrored in his eyes while I placed both of my hands on his warm but wet cheeks.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“You’re really real, then?”  
“Why am I getting the feeling you’re drunk when you’re really not?”  
I couldn’t help but let out a chuckle at his sudden joke. But then, his eyes’ gaze then quickly turned serious as he then said,  
“Keira-ssi, let’s give it a try. Let’s give ‘ _ **us**_ ’ a try.”  
“Joonie...”  
Thump after thump my simpleton heart went. I couldn’t take my eyes off from one man and asked him,  
“Are you sure about that Joonie? I’m not forcing you to do this okay? As long as I can stay by your side, that’s more than enough for me.”  
He just gently grabbed one of my hands that was still on his cheek and planted a kiss on my wrist telling me,  
“I want you to, Keira-ssi. Maybe meeting you back at the nature park was a sign of a new beginning for me. I haven’t felt this way about anybody for a long time since...”  
“Since she was gone then?”  
Namjoon nodded. Even if it was still a fact that he hasn’t moved on from his past, I couldn’t find it in me to refuse what I was feeling for him any longer.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Yes.”  
“Huh?”  
“Please take care of me from now on, Joonie.”  
Before I knew it, he gently removed my other hand on his cheek as he then caressed both sides of my cheeks in return and moved his face closer to mine without hesitation.  
“A-aah, m-mmm...”  
Namjoon’s lips then showed me his reply. He left two to three light pecks on it before kissing me longer this time with our tongues dancing around together in harmony. Every kiss from him was hypnotic like a _drug that I couldn’t give up on._  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
“Sssh, not that baby. Call me again,”  
Even his soft whispers were enough to make my body and nerves go on a trance. I felt my whole body getting hotter by the second.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“J-Joon, p-please... a-aah,”  
Now he was really teasing me at max with his lips trailing down from my forehead, eyelids, nose, lips, throat, sides of my neckline, and both earlobes. It was _driving me crazy_.  
“That was just a little warm up, Miss Keira.”  
“S-Shit, are we really going to do it here? at the beach?!”  
I stared at him in disbelief even though my head was still spinning from the pleasure of how this man was such a damn good kisser. He just grinned at me like the tease he always is with those _preying brown eyes_ of his.  
“Then it looks like we’ll have to be extra careful in keeping our voices down then,”  
“W-Wait, m-mmm... f-fuck, Joonie...”  
Though my mind was trying to say something, it was futile when my body refused to listen anymore and was ready to give in everything I had to one man himself. His magic hands then started caressing my thighs heading upward that it made my body and hips whimper in ecstasy.  
“Does that feel good then baby?”  
“Y-Yes...”  
“Then I’ll make you feel even better.”  
I could feel him smirking the moment his hands then swiftly unhooked my bikini’s bra and gave my breasts a gentle message that I couldn’t help but let out a soft moan.  
“S-Shit, Joonie... p-please, a-aah...”  
“Doesn’t that feel better baby?”  
I nodded in bliss before I tugged onto the back of his wet hair more tightly as he kissed me more harder this time. He kissed me as if _he needed me for oxygen and my body needed his heat_.  
“A-Ah fuck, Keira...”  
He whispered a moan to my left ear as I teased him back while biting his lower lip that it made me and my inner goddess delighted.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi, I... I need you...”  
“Not yet my love, how about I make you feel the best now?”  
My body could only curl in thrill when he without second thoughts slides his one hand into my bikini’s underwear and massages it on my most sensitive spot through one touch and another.  
“A-aaah, J-Joonie... f-fuck, not there... haaaa...”  
“You’re getting hot and wet now baby girl, doesn’t that feel the best right?”  
I could only manage a nod as my senses had left me entirely and it didn’t help too at all that he would entrap me with his lips and tongue over and over again.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi, please... I... I need you,”  
He just gave me _his devilish grin and dragon eyes_ before he sexily takes off his wet, white shirt for me. Sometimes I wonder if the man on top of me was sculpted by the gods or something because fuck, he was beautiful in every way.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Now it’s your turn, my love.”  
With little effort, he strips me out of my sundress and the rest of my bikini that I was bare for him from head to toe. The way he was intensely staring at me made me conscious that I couldn’t help but flush in embarrassment.  
“I-I know I don’t have the best body proportions and all... but—-?!”  
His long fingers then trailed my lips as he said,  
“Fuck Keira, stop whatever nonsense you’re about to say now. You’re beautiful, let me prove it to you.”  
And he did. He touched, caressed, and kissed every part of my external body that was within his line of sight. I lost how many times I’ve already groaned and screamed his name in pleasure.  
“A-aaah, Joonie... Joonie... I... I need you now,”  
“Your wish is my command then, Miss Keira.”  
 _*thump* *thump* *thump*_  
As he took off his shorts and trunks, he made my legs split up and he entered within me in a snap that I could only continue to cry in elation as our lips continued communicating, my nails started digging into his hair, and our heavy breathing was in sync with each other. I let him lead the pace of our bodies from that very moment.

Kim Namjoon was the type of man who made me feel beautiful and he continued to prove it to me as he made love to me under the unforgettable sunset colored sky on the beach.

 _A while after..._  
My head was still in a whirl of emotions after our intense lovemaking, but it felt calming to listen to his heart beating paired with the sounds of the sea’s waves as he lets me lay down my head on his bare chest. My eyes were still hazy and tired yet, I unknowingly told him,  
“ _I love you_ , Kim Namjoon-ssi...”  
I then felt him kiss the top of my head and caress my forehead in silence.

Little did I know that his facial expression turned to a unsettled one after listening to what I had to say. And little did I know that I was only being blinded of the idea of love in the very end.  
**  
 _ **Winter of 2019:  
Seoul, South Korea**_

It was around 3 weeks after Namjoon and I saw each other for the last time. My mind was then preoccupied with the photoshoot gig I got called up for this day. I got the call right after my exhibit was over and ended as a complete success. I’ve had countless calls and emails for my next project but I couldn’t turn down the call from _Billboard Korea_ itself.  
“And to think I’m back in Seoul again and it’s winter here too,”  
The company told me that they wanted me to do a special feature for their Christmas issue and I was confused at first why they called me since they have contractual photographers too who could do that instead of me, but in my case, it was a special one time contract. I’d still get publicly recognized as the photographer for the issue’s shoot even if it’s only a one time thing. Not bad, right?

Oh how wrong my thinking was that time. I didn’t even bother to ask who was going to appear on the cover. I had to learn it the most ironic way possible like I was slapped right in the face.

“Ah, everyone the guys are here!”  
“Greet them politely okay?”  
I still had no idea who the surprise guests for the shoot were but my eyes couldn’t stop shaking in shock at the seven familiar figures that then entered the set.  
“Good afternoon everyone!”  
“We’ll be in your care again today!”  
“Let’s do our best!”  
 _*thump* *thump* *thump*_  
Shit. Shit. Shit. Are you kidding me?! Why did it have to be the very boys of **BTS** themselves that entered the room just now?  
 _“Fate really likes messing with me damn it.”_  
I cursed inside my head as my gaze then coincidentally meets that _magnetic brown eyed gaze_ that also found mine on perfect cue.  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“Why is it always so easy for us to find each other’s gaze huh, Kim Namjoon?”_  
The two of us just maintained our stares with each other for a few seconds before I then looked away as soon as one of the managing editors then came up to approach me.  
“Keira-ssi, sorry if we had to keep the boys being on the cover a secret until today, news can leak that they’ll be on the cover story if too many people knew. And we know this isn’t the first time you’re gonna be working with them, so it won’t be hard for you today, right?”  
I wanted to roll my eyes so much at what she was saying but I had to maintain my polite face right now. They really wanted to withhold this important piece of information for me huh?  
“Since this is my special job only for today, I’ll do my best.”  
“No wonder you’re one of the best now, Keira-ssi! We’ll start in half an hour from now.”  
She excused herself in glee while I was here contemplating on how I should deal with the current situation I’m in.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
I’m relieved that only the members of **BTS** , their manager hyung, and their boss (the head of _BigHit Entertainment_ ) knew about our relationship before but it doesn’t make it less relieving that a lot of familiar faces are in the same work set as I am today.  
“Oh, it’s Keira-ssi!”  
“You’re right.”  
Now this is what I was afraid of. Two former colleagues then approached me on cue.  
“Look at you, you’re working for _Billboard Korea_ now?”  
“You’ve earned yourself up to stardom. Who would’ve thought?”  
Yeah, who would’ve thought too that I’d be stuck here now in a very sticky position. Yet, I have no right to complain because that’ll make me look like a selfish entitled brat.  
“No, no. You have it wrong. I got called in to take this shoot a few weeks ago just for today. I’m heading back to Paris the day after tomorrow.”  
They just stared confused of what I was trying to say and then I realized I’m the head photographer of this shoot. I can easily slip myself out of this!  
“Is everyone good to go?”  
As I glanced at the set’s staffs, they all nodded.  
“Looks like I have to excuse myself for now ladies, I’ll see you in a while.”  
Phew. I managed to come out of that unscathed. Having no time to get distracted any longer, I set up my camera and other equipment just in time the cover boys came out of wardrobe, hair, and makeup.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
Everyone in the set, especially the women, could only sigh dreamily as the _seven gorgeous young men_ then entered the set. However, my eyes could only focus on one man wearing his white suit ever so exquisitely.  
 _“Snap out of it, Keira. You two are strangers to each other now. Okay? Don’t go there.”_  
My mind recited those words over and over again like a mantra. And then,  
“It’s good to see you again, Keira-ssi. It’s been a long time huh?”  
His familiar deep voice then entered my hearing. As I looked up, his brown hair was curled a little for the shoot. _His eyes and smile with the dimples were still charming as ever_. It’s been a few weeks since he agreed to my condition of holding on to the necklace while we never see or speak to each other again. But, look at where we are now.  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“Fate, if this is your way of hurting me even more, I fucking hate you a lot.”_  
I cursed again inside my head as he then extended a friendly handshake towards me. It was as if I was transported back to the very day we met and had exchanged a simple handshake too, but the situation now was different. _A whole lot different_.  
“It’s nice to see you and the boys again, Kim Namjoon-ssi.”  
As soon as our hands met up for the handshake, we both tried our very best to feign a smile at each other like two people who had just met after a long time. Yet, only a few people in the room knew we were both just saving face and our prides.

 _Moments later..._  
“So what do you think, Keira-ssi?”  
In between breaks, I would personally have the members pick the photos they wanted or wanted to redo as long as time permitted it.  
“Since this is going to be a Christmas themed issue, I think it’d be better if we change the backdrop to red instead of white since they’re also wearing white suits already. What do you think, Taehyung-ssi?”  
Taehyung, one of the seven **BTS** members, nodded and said,  
“You’re on point as always, noona. Sure, let’s give it a try next.”  
His sociable nature hasn’t changed at all ever since. I then turned to my assistant photographer for the shoot and said,  
“You heard him.”  
“Ah yes, Keira-ssi!”

The shoot resumed peacefully. I had to put off personal feelings for the time being even if I had to deal with Kim Namjoon during it. Trust me, it was very hard especially when I’m behind the lens and I’m capturing him. Frame by frame. Shot after shot. Shutter after shutter.  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“Ah... shit, why does he have to be so handsome and tall and everything?”_  
I thought passingly with a sigh.  
“Can I retake this pose again, Keira-ssi? I felt like I leaned in too much to the front, don’t you think so?”  
He was in professional mode at the moment. As much as I found it attractive, I had to throw away those forbidden thoughts immediately and switched back to my own professional mode too.  
“Of course, you can do a much more simpler pose for a few more frames.”  
I need to be honest though, no matter what pose he did, I found my heart beating like an idiot.  
“I think we got it.”  
After we looked over his frames, he smiled in contentment and said with a sincere looking smile before he left,  
“Thank you for your hard work, Keira-ssi.”  
I just returned the smile simply and didn’t say anything more because I might end up stuttering which could lead to suspicion.  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“Stop acting like a teenager who’s going through puberty again for god’s sake, Keira.”_  
My inner thoughts growled at me next. I just hoped I go through this day emotionally safe and sound.

 _More than an hour later..._  
After doing and checking the group unit shots and group shots, I think we have enough materials to use from the frames we just shot for the magazine’s cover issue.  
“Okay, I think we got everything. That’s a wrap people.”  
My voice echoed throughout the studio before it then met up with satisfied sighs and claps.  
“Thank you for the hard work today!”  
All seven of the **BTS** boys then bowed politely together to thank the set’s staffs. We all clapped at them for the hard work they did too, I just know their schedules are just as busy and hectic as ever.  
 _“But they’ve grown up so much over time, it’s amazing to see how much they’ve improved.”_  
I thought to myself with a smile. Even though I was only part of their life for a short while back then, I was still proud of them nevertheless. They all deserve the recognition and praise they’re getting at present.  
“Ah, we almost forgot, but...”  
“Here you go, Keira noona,”  
“Thank you for your hard work today too.”  
I could only blink in surprise when out of the blue the three _maknaes_ of the group then approached me with a bouquet of _peach and pink roses_.  
“W-What’s this for, you guys?”  
I was literally caught off guard that I couldn’t help but stutter. Jimin and Jungkook then exchanged glances saying as Taehyung then handed over the bouquet to me,  
“We might not be under the same company anymore, but we won’t ever forget the things you’ve done for us back then, noona.”  
“It’s just our token of appreciation to you, noona.”  
“The two already said everything I wanted to say too, noona. But yeah, we’re proud of everything you’ve achieved too.”  
These dorks. Even their hearts of gold hadn’t changed at all. It made my chest feel all ticklish and warm.

The magazine staffs also extended their thanks to me right after and apologized for the inconvenience they might have caused me because of this shoot.  
 _“Ha... I can’t imagine their reactions if they knew the truth, maybe I wouldn’t be even standing here now in one piece.”_  
I said inside my own thoughts with a gulp.  
“Why don’t you work full time for us from now on, Keira-ssi?”  
As the managing editor was about to pull out her calling card, I refused politely and said,  
“I’m sorry, but as much as I love photography, I also love how I have my own creative freedom at the moment. I hope you understand, but thank you for the offer.”  
If it were the old me, she’d accept an opportunity like this without second thinking. But, accepting things without thinking of the pros and cons can lead to very disastrous consequences. I had learned that the hard way.  
“If you are sure then. It was really a pleasure to work with you. I just know this won’t be the last we’ll hear from you.”  
Finally getting room to breathe, I was about to put down the bouquet when,  
“Great job back there, Keira-ssi.”  
“You still haven’t lost your touch behind the camera at all.”  
“Yeah, we’re glad you’re doing fine, wait no—even better now.”  
Four familiar figures then came walking up to me that I was left dumbstruck and it took a few more minutes for me to process their voices and what they had to say. It didn’t help too that _he was one_ of those four men.  
“Thank you Seokjin _oppa_ , Yoongi _oppa_ , Hoseok-ssi.”  
They all then glanced at one guy who kept his silence.  
“What?”  
“Well? Aren’t you going to say anything?”  
“Now’s your chance, Namjoon-ah.”  
Namjoon’s piercing gaze then looked at me. What are they thinking?!  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Thanks for your hard work, Keira-ssi. I hope you don’t think that because of what happened today, I broke our agreement.”  
Oh right, who really would have thought I’d be the photographer to head their shoot at the moment? And who would have thought too that we’d see each other again after agreeing that we wouldn’t see one another anymore?  
“Agreement hmm?”  
“Did something happen back in Paris then?”  
I just faked a smile to them and said lastly,  
“If we’re going to have this conversation, I don’t want to be a part of it next. So if you’ll excuse me,”  
“Okay, okay. We’ll stop. It’s really good to see you again.”  
“Come to one of our shows next time, okay?”  
As Seokjin and Yoongi waved farewell first since they were being called over by their manager, Hoseok then moved closer to my ear and whispered amusingly,  
“The peach roses are from the rest of us, but the pink ones are from Namjoon-ah himself. Don’t tell him I told you though, ‘kay?”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
I almost flinched in embarrassment from his sudden whisper. What he had said didn’t help too at all.  
“Keira-ssi,”  
Now it was only him left to stand in front of me. He was about to come closer and grab my hand but I warned him through my gaze.  
“Namjoon-ssi, don’t.”  
Pulling himself together, he took a deep breath and said before giving me a polite bow and forced out smile,  
“Now I’m sure of it.”  
I blinked unsure of what he had meant.  
“You’re sure of what?”  
Turning his back at me, he just said lastly before exiting the set,  
“I’m sure that after seeing you today, I won’t ever give up on you again.”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Namjoon-ssi,”  
Yet he didn’t even give me time to reply back as he walked off to where the rest of the members were. Damn it, he can’t just say something like that and leave me all alone without a proper explanation? Why? _Why did the pink roses have to mean admiration?_ Why are you saying things like that Kim Namjoon?

 _A little while later..._  
“Ha... why am I suddenly becoming conscious of what he said?”  
I asked myself in the bathroom mirror. Good thing I was the only woman in the comfort room right now. I think I was slowly going insane or maybe it’s just the lack of sleep from the long flight? I don’t know anymore really.  
 _“You’re not each other’s problems anymore, Keira. Get that fact straight into your head.”_  
My brain directed. Yet obviously my heart was trying to tell me something else every time I remember his smile, his dimples, his voice, and even his touch.  
“J-Jeez, my jet lag is really hitting me hard this time.”  
Feeling a bit sluggish, I fixed up my bag and exited the comfort room not knowing that I accidentally let a familiar pink pouch fall from one of the pockets.

“Um miss, you dropped something!”  
A voice then called out to me from behind. Turning around, I was then met up with an _unfamiliar brown eyed gaze_. The boy was definitely tall in stature, heck he might even be taller than Namjoon himself. And yes, he was a sore for the eyes too. Snapping out from my daze, he then ran up to me to give me back my pink pouch.  
“Thank you, really.”  
I unknowingly gripped tightly on the pouch that he then pointed out,  
“What’s inside the pouch might be important to you. Don’t lose it,”  
His brown eyes spelt sincerity in every way. He was dressed way too handsomely to be just a normal guy. He must be a model then. I just gave him a smile in return saying,  
“It was important to me, but I don’t know if it’s important to me now. Weird, right?”  
The boy just stared at me in silence as if he was trying to read my expression for some reason. It made me uneasy a little bit. I swiftly bowed in thanks again and was about to make a run for it before I embarrassed myself any further.  
“Well um, thank you again. But, I really need to go now, so if you’ll excuse m—?”  
“W-Wait...!”  
Yet, it was no use when he hastily grabbed my right hand asking with his brown eyes turning wide,  
“A-Are you perhaps Miss Keira, the photographer?”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“W-What?”

At that very moment as we just gazed at each other in pure confusion, I hadn’t noticed the familiar tall figure that then witnessed what just happened now with his two brown eyes by the corner.  
**  
 _ **Winter of 2017:  
Osaka, Japan**_

Ever since I’ve started working under the same company as Namjoon, it was hard at first especially with the fact that we had to juggle our relationship in secrecy. Nobody knew about us except for a very few important people.

But, it was worth the risk. I had learned to love the job. Traveling with them, seeing them perform on stage, the screams you can hear loudly from one venue to another, it was breathtaking how he and the rest of the **BTS** members were so energetic when they’re in front of their millions of supporters. You wouldn’t even realize at how they’re just completely normal, lively young men in their 20’s off cam. I captured that everything through my lens. Even my love for one man. Yet, things were slowly changing between us.

And not in the good way.

 _“It’s been a while since he was this quiet when it’s just the two of us.”_  
I suggested for him to take a breather one night after their last show in Osaka a few hours ago. It was around early morning when we both found ourselves sneaking out from the hotel secretly and decided to explore the streets of Osaka under the winter sky. I was happy to be exploring the picturesque view however, the man walking beside me didn’t seem to feel that way at all.  
“Is everything okay, Namjoon-ssi?”  
I peeked at his face next. He just gave me a sigh and wry smile saying,  
“I’d be lying if I said yes to you, but you wouldn’t believe that either right?”  
“I wouldn’t. Your face says it all. If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine with me. Would you rather go back to the hotel then?”  
Feeling a bit apologetic for ruining the mood, he just shook his head and told me,  
“No, no. It’s okay. Don’t let my sour mood ruin our early morning walk. Isn’t it your first time in Osaka too?”  
I nodded at his question. As of lately, he seemed out of the weather. Although it wasn’t obvious when he was on stage, it was different when he’s offstage. Usually, we’d be holding hands and cuddling somewhere we could be alone. But, I decided to let it be and respect if he wanted time to cool off his thoughts.  
 _“He must be very tired too, tomorrow we’re heading to another part of Japan for the next shows.”_  
Back then when I had said yes to starting this relationship with Namjoon, I may have thought this would be uncomplicated and smooth sailing as long as we maintained the secret away from the public’s eye but... the more I got to know the _RM_ side of the man I love, I’ve been getting the strong feeling that I don’t know him as much as I convince myself I do.  
“Seeing the world like this with your own two eyes really is the best feeling in the world for me.”  
“Keira-ssi,”  
“Let’s go, Namjoon-ssi?”  
As I extended my left hand to him, he nodded and took it with his right one. It hurts me to see him feeling like this so I did the things I were only capable of doing for the moment.

We ate and discovered different street foods on the early morning windy streets Osaka. Since no crowds were around, that helped as well to prevent him from worrying. Not forgetting to take my camera along, I asked him to pose a few photos for me since that always seemed to cheer him up, even for a little bit.  
“Keira-ssi,”  
As we continued walking along, I was surprised when he gripped tightly on to my hand and made both of us stop walking on cue by the famous bridge which overlooked a scenic view of Osaka’s buildings and river side.  
“Hmm? Is something wrong? Are you feeling sick?”  
I asked him worriedly. Namjoon just shook his head in denial and told me,  
“No, I’m okay. It’s just...”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
Why am I getting a bad feeling about what he was going to say?  
“I’m not going to know if you don’t tell me anything, Namjoon-ssi.”  
“It’s just I want to thank you.”  
Well, that was a bit unexpected. My nerves then started to settle down at the not-so surprising remark.  
“Thank me for what Namjoon-ssi? I don’t recall anything that deserves your thanks though?”  
Feeling the tight grip on my hand again with his, he just took a deep breath and stared at the still early winter sky before telling me,  
“You don’t know how much your very presence means a lot to me.”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“J-Jeez, the cheesy Namjoon-ssi is back.”  
Feeling a bit flushed after those simple words left his mouth, I just took both of his hands this time and held it tightly with mine even though my hands weren’t big enough to cover his.  
“But, thank you for saying that. Just know that whatever happens, I’ll be right here for you. _I’m not going to disappear,_ ”  
Shit. My last sentence just now. Did I really say that out loud? Namjoon’s facial expression kept on gazing straight at mine that it was hard to tell if I hurt his feelings or not.  
“Namjoon-ssi, about my last sentence,”  
“Don’t worry Keira-ssi, I’m sure you’re not going to disappear too from my side if ever. If so, that will just mean I have intense bad luck, wouldn’t you think?”  
Even when he was smiling, his eyes spelt hurt and sadness. Why? _Why did she have to leave his side?_ Without hesitating, I closed the distance between us and hugged him. His big, warm hands just embraced me tightly at the back of my head as I buried my face on his chest. He didn’t want me looking at whatever his face’s expression was right then and there.  
“I-I’m sorry, _Kayla_... I’m so sorry...”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
Before I knew it, I felt a few of his tears drip on the top of my head. And that was the only signal I needed for my tears to pour down too. The two of us embraced each other in tearful silence that we hadn’t noticed that the first snow for the season started to fall to the ground.

Of course, the pain I felt in my heart that very second was as if I was _searching for signs in a haunted club._

Signs whether if this was worth it or not from the very start.  
**  
 _ **Winter of 2019:  
Seoul, South Korea**_

“How do you know my name?”  
The unfamiliar man’s _brown eyes_ couldn’t stop shaking the moment he mentioned my name. After he quickly realized that he was still holding on to my hand, he let’s it go saying shyly,  
“A-Ah, I’m sorry. I... I’m just surprised to see you in person after all, it’s really you...”  
 _*thump*_  
Feeling a bit worried that I might have offended him somehow with my tone, I then thought to myself before telling him with a smile,  
 _“Just because he has the same brown eyes as he does, it doesn’t mean they’re the same person Keira...”_  
“No, no. Don’t apologize, you’ve helped me just now so there’s no need to feel sorry. Okay?”  
He just looked at me in silence for a few more seconds before giving me a polite bow and running off to the opposite direction saying lastly,  
“I-I’m sorry Miss Keira...! See you...!”  
“Ah, w-wait...!”  
I was about to stop the boy with the mysterious looking brown eyes but I was too late or more precise, he was way too fast for me to stop him. But before I could try making a run to find him,  
“Keira-ssi,”  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“Shit, this voice and touch,”_  
My feet were glued to the floor the very second I felt a familiar voice calling my name from behind me and pulled me back by gently grabbing my left arm.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi?”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
Turning around to face him, I didn’t expect in the very least that he was still here. How did he even know where I was? My heart pounded like a fool as his gaze never once averted mine and focused solely into my very reflection. It didn’t even help too when he suddenly blurted out _one single word_ ,  
“Don’t.”  
It only took that one word from his lips to make every fiber of my body just stop in its place.  
“Y-You can let go of my arm now?”  
I asked him since I didn’t want him to know I was slowly feeling nervous and confused again all at the same time.  
“So you can run away too just like that boy? I refuse then.”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
Whenever Namjoon just looks down at me with those saddened eyes of his, it’s always been my _Achilles heel_. But, I refuse to let him just pull my heart back to him so easily.  
“If you’re not going to listen to me, then this conversation is over!”  
I hissed at him. With a sigh, he finally lets go of his tight grip on my arm saying,  
“I’m only going to let you go but I won’t let you run away, Keira-ssi.”  
Trying to ignore what he just said, I asked on cue,  
“What are you doing here? Didn’t you and the guys leave already?”  
“We’re going to leave in a few minutes. When are you going back to Paris?”  
Why is he suddenly asking?  
“Give me a reason why I should tell you that personal information though?”  
I topped his question with another question. Without even letting me catch a breath, he took my right hand and pulled me to his side in a snap that his scent and warm arms then took over my senses.  
“H-Hey, what do you think you’re doing? Someone’s going to see us!”  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“F-Fuck Kim Namjoon, what are you thinking?!”_  
As my chest’s pounding grew even more obvious, I wanted to push his arms off but it was useless especially since his strong muscles were no match for mine. He then whispered that I could be the only one to hear,  
“Keira-ssi, I know I promised to never speak to or see you again all those weeks ago, I... I can’t just do that whenever we meet like this, as if we’re _fated_.”  
 _ **Fated**_. That word. I despise that damn word so much. Was it fated that we met? _Maybe_. Two people from completely different walks of life and different countries. Was it fated that I fell in love with him? _Yes_. Even if I knew from the very beginning that it was dangerous and it’s Kim Namjoon of **BTS** we’re talking about here. Was it fated that I got what I deserved in the end? _Sadly... yes_.  
“You not only break things Namjoon-ssi, but also you broke the heart of the person you’re embracing right now. That’s what I think my _fate_ is.”  
“...”  
As his arms’ grip finally let loose, I couldn’t bear to look at him in the eyes and his face’s expression right then and there. Without second thinking, I just bowed slightly to him in politeness before walking past him and went on my way as if my heart wasn’t aching on repeat.  
 _“You’ll be alright Keira, you’ll be alright.”_  
Those were the only comforting words my inner thoughts could echo inside my head with every step I took away from him.

_A few days later..._

“Thank you for coming Miss Keira, we really appreciate it.”  
Since I wasn’t expected to return to Paris for a few more days, I decided to visit a few photography exhibits and seminars in my spare time. Ever since after that photoshoot with _Billboard Korea_ , I haven’t seen Namjoon or heard about him. _One_ , we cut off communication since we separated. _Two_ , the chances of walking up or running up to him is very, very slim to 0% because he’ll practically be mobbed within seconds. Overall, I was free to roam around Seoul alone.  
“No, it’s okay. It’s nice to have a change of scenery sometimes.”  
I was asked to teach a few people who were studying photography for an acquaintance of mine here in Seoul.  
“Oh my god, isn’t she?!”  
“For real...?”  
“Okay, okay everyone. Settle down, I know you’re all excited but let’s introduce our special mentor for the class today.”  
There were about 10 students when I then realized one of them was a somewhat familiar face.  
 _“I’m sorry Miss Keira...!”  
_

 _“Wait a minute... isn’t he?!”_  
The boy with the _mysterious brown eyes!_ I didn’t think I’d see him here of all places. Is he one of the students?  
“Um, Miss Keira? Are you okay?”  
Snapping back to reality, I completely was lost in my own thoughts that I hadn’t realized they were all now looking at me, waiting for me to say something.  
“Ah right, sorry for that. It’s nice to meet you all, my name is Keira. A professional photographer. Looking forward to work with you.”  
Politely bowing, I was then responded with claps and excited voices asking,  
“Um! Are you really Miss Keira?”  
I nodded, slightly amused of their refreshing reactions.  
“ _Daebak_! It’s the one and only Miss Keira here with us!”  
“Why? How? Are you really going to be teaching us today?”  
Crossing my arms, I told them with a chuckle,  
“Yes. Just for today. Since it’s a favor for an old acquaintance, I don’t mind sharing my experiences and techniques with you. How about we all get started then?”  
They all cheered in glee and grabbed their cameras and other equipment before we resumed the session.

I was having fun at the moment. It was a nostalgic feeling to see these young people like I am who are interested in photography. It reminded me _why_ I was called to this profession in the first place.  
“Miss Keira, do you prefer highly saturated photos when it comes to scenic views?”  
“Hmm... it depends. I usually base it on the season I took it and the feelings I want to portray it on. Like you take a photo of the park in autumn, if you want to portray a happy feeling, you’d usually go for a brighter coloring scheme. But...”  
 _“Don’t you feel like this one looks more real and raw than the last one you took, Keira?”_  
My thoughts out of the blue recalled a certain memory under the autumn trees that happened in the past with one man.  
“But... if you want to portray a more raw or wistful kind of feelings, lower saturation would fit it perfectly, wouldn’t you all think?”  
Understanding what I was trying to point out, they all nodded and continued on with taking shots around the museum.  
 _“Even by just stepping into a museum, my thoughts can’t avoid you at all.”_  
I thought to myself, wondering if it was wistful thinking too on my part or not just reminiscing on that.

As the session went on, my gaze then drifted to one figure who was busy experimenting something through his camera lens. I then walked up to him and peeked at the photo that was shown on his camera’s screen.  
“That’s a really great shot you got there.”  
“?!”  
He flinched in surprise when I suddenly popped out from behind him. That was the first time I’ve seen a guy get flustered instead of the other way around usually.  
“A-Ah... don’t do—wait, M-Miss Keira?!”  
“It’s nice to see you. Didn’t expect to meet each other again so soon, right?”  
There’s that stare again. He looks at me as if he wants to say something but he holds himself back for some reason.  
“Um? Did I say something wrong?”  
“No, no. It’s just I find it kind of funny that we met again. I didn’t think you’d recognize me from what happened back then.”  
Yep, there’s no way I could forget the first time someone would run away from me during the first meeting and I didn’t even have know his name. The memory didn’t fail to make me smile.  
“You and me both. Well, I guess there’s no better time than now. I’ll introduce myself properly then, I’m Keira. And you are?”  
His smile was as radiant as his _brown eyes that smiled_ as well. He gave me a polite bow and said,  
“My name is Youngho, but you can call me Johnny, Miss Keira.”  
As he extended his right hand out to me, I had no reason not to accept it. And it felt like I’ve seen this exact same scene before but somehow... it felt like a new beginning.

A _beginning_ that I didn’t expect that would come so soon.

**  
 _ **Spring of 2018:  
Seoul, South Korea**_

It’s been a few days since everyone came back after the last part of the tour for the shows in Japan had ended. The final 4-nights of the whole tour will end again in Seoul a month from now. Everyone had been given a 1 week break after the hectic schedule. The members and myself included.

I would’ve been ecstatic to have a break finally and spend it with someone. But ever since what happened in Osaka, we’ve been keeping our distance. Of course the only ones who were able to notice it were the members themselves yet, I never mention anything to them especially when it comes to one man himself.

_That changed one day however._

“Um, Keira noona?”  
I was uploading new content to my blog in my work space at the agency’s office when I was visited by someone unpredictable.  
 _“That voice,”_  
“Come in Taehyung-ssi.”  
Feeling a bit shy to enter as his head was the only one peeking through the door, I said to him with a passing sigh,  
“I can see you already. Don’t be shy, this isn’t the first time you came knocking, remember?”  
He just laughed like a little kid as he then entered and closed the door behind him. The boy is really different in real life and when he’s on stage.  
“Ah, sorry for disturbing you then noona. I just wanted to ask if you were free right now,”  
“Hmm? Free for what exactly?”  
I looked at him with one of my eyebrows arched up in suspicion of where the conversation is going. I’ve grown fond of him as a little brother thanks to the tour and obviously our likes clicked, yes it was due to photography of course.  
“Jeez, you haven’t even heard me out yet noona~”  
Yep, he’s using his cutesy voice again. He’s gonna ask something from me. I just know it.  
“Okay what is it, Kim Taehyung-ssi?”  
Feeling victorious, he then asked without sugarcoating as if his eyes then started sparkling,  
“Noona, can I borrow your camera? Please? Please? Pleaseeeeeee?”  
“Not this again,”  
“But you’re so stingy when it comes to anyone borrowing it...! Even though I let you borrow my baby,”  
His reasoning couldn’t stop me from letting out a laugh.  
“Your baby? Really?”  
“Hmph. Yes my baby! She’s so precious that I let her be borrowed by you but you won’t even let me hold on to your baby!”  
“My baby this time huh?”  
Taehyung’s next words then completely caught me off guard that I could only stare at him in disbelief.  
“When I say your baby, it’s not Namjoon hyung. Okay?”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“...”  
Realizing his slip of the tongue, Taehyung just returned my stare while pretending to bite nervously his right hand’s fingernails.  
“Noona, I didn’t mean it like that...”  
Yet, his words didn’t hurt because he was wrong. _His words hurt because he was right_ and I didn’t have the guts to admit that. Not then. Not now.  
“No wonder that you’re the hidden genius of **BTS** indeed, Kim Taehyung-ssi.”  
“Keira noona...”  
I just shrugged feigning my real feelings that moment and said to him while managing a smile,  
“Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I always wonder if there will come a time when I’ll say, Kim Namjoon _isn’t my baby anymore_...”  
He gave me a troubled expression asking,  
“Why are you suddenly saying things like that noona? Don’t you love Namjoon hyung anymore?”  
Taehyung’s second question echoed so much in my head that even as I turned my chair around to get my camera, the first photo that then appears in the recent shots was no other than the photo I took of him in Osaka, by that bridge under the very early morning Winter sky.  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“I-I’m sorry... I’m so sorry Kayla...”_  
Just that simple thought was more than enough for me to be reminded of my place in Namjoon’s heart and life. A few teardrops then dropped to the camera’s screen.  
“K-Keira noona...”  
“T-Taehyung-ssi, is it really enough? Am I ever enough? W-Will I ever be enough?”

That was the first time I’ve felt the _paper cut stings from my paper-thin plans_.

And to think, that was only the beginning.  
**  
 _ **Winter of 2019:  
Seoul, South Korea**_

“Your lessons were really amazing, Miss Keira.”  
I don’t know how the boy named _Johnny_ and I found ourselves walking along the quiet, but chilly road of Seoul together right after the photography class was over... still, I didn’t feel awkward talking to him for some reason.  
“You’re still calling me like that Johnny-ssi?”  
“Why? Do you feel weirded out when I call you like that?”  
I nodded and said with a shrug,  
“Let’s just say I prefer people calling me without the Miss and all before,”  
Blinking at my reaction, he then pointed out,  
“But doesn’t that just mean there are many people who like and respect your work if they call out to you like that?”  
His rhetorical question somehow made my lips form to a smile as I chuckled ironically at a passing memory.  
 _“Is the photo really beautiful if majority of us say it’s beautiful? Wouldn’t you think so too, Keira?”_  
“Now that’s something I definitely haven’t heard in a long time.”  
And now is definitely not the time to think about another guy.  
“So if I don’t call you Miss Keira, what do you want me to call you then?”  
Looking at his _mysterious looking brown eyes_ , I just said,  
“Keira’s fine, Johnny-ssi.”  
“You’re really formal aren’t you, Keira-ssi. Wait!”  
I was surprised when his eyes then turned wide as if he just remembered something important inside his head at that very moment.  
“What’s wrong?”  
“Um, now to be rude Keira-ssi, but aren’t you supposed to be a ‘ _94_ liner according to your blog?”  
A passing laugh easily came out of my mouth.  
“Yes, yes. I wouldn’t lie about my age of course. So, what of it? You’re a year younger than I am, right?”  
He just laughed in embarrassment asking,  
“How did you know?”  
“Just a smart guess, but it won’t stop me from calling you formally still.”  
Johnny had that boyish appeal every time a smile appeared on his face. Tall and beautiful. My _deja vu_ is acting up again.  
 _*thump*  
“Don’t think about that guy Keira, please I beg of you.”_  
My head pleaded with me internally. I was snapped back to reality when,  
“Keira noona? Are you okay?”  
The second I heard the word ‘ _noona_ ,’ it felt like my breathing can go back to normal now because it was obvious that the man standing with me right this minute was a different guy. I’m not going to repeat the same mistake.  
“Yeah, just got lost in my thoughts as always.”

“Oh, so you were there at the set because of a photoshoot you did with _Billboard Korea?_ ”  
It was already late afternoon when we were walking along the park by the _Han River_. Since it was cold already, there weren’t that many spectators at this time to watch the sunset but that didn’t stop me from grabbing my small instant camera from my bag and snatching a photo of the picturesque view.  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“This is the most beautiful sunset I’ve seen...”  
“You say that every time we watch a sunset though,”_  
“This sunset though is by far one of the most beautiful I’ve seen.”  
Just the sight of the sunset’s stained colors were enough to form tiny tears around my eyes.  
“Keira noona,”  
Glancing at Johnny, I flashed him a small smile before turning my attention back to the view saying,  
“Whether the sunset is brightly saturated or not behind the camera’s lens, nothing will ever compare it to it’s natural colors with no filters at all.”  
“It’s beautiful indeed if you say it so deeply like that, noona.”

After admiring the view for a few more minutes, I had to wipe the sudden tears that streamed down my cheeks.  
“You’re the first person I’ve seen getting so moved over a sunset view noona, does it hold special significance to you then? Like when you told me back when we first met that you didn’t know if whatever was inside that pouch was still important to you or not?”  
 _*thump*_  
His sudden questions almost made me think earnestly of what I should say next especially since he was asking me so seriously but...  
“Yes, it holds a lot of significance to me. Something as simple as a sunset view can mean a lot to some people, myself included. It’s _how you preserve memories_ , whether good or bad.”  
I then handed over the sunset’s photo from the instant camera to him.  
“Noona?”  
“For me really, photographs are _both_ a blessing and a curse.”  
Holding on to the Polaroid in his right hand, he looked confused at what I was trying to point out this time.  
 _“I... I don’t love her as much as I think I do... and I don’t think I ever will...”  
“I’ll wait for you no matter what, Keira-ssi.”_  
“What do you mean, Keira noona?”  
Feigning a chuckle, I just told him while putting back my camera inside the bag,  
“A single photo can make you remember _everything_ about a certain memory, whether you treat it as a good or bad one is definitely up to you, yourself.”  
“Noona, why do I get the feeling there’s more to you than meets the eye?”  
Johnny asked in curiosity. I just shrugged my shoulders playfully telling him as I continued walking,  
“Who knows?”

I hadn’t noticed that as I left him behind, his piercing brown eyed gaze just kept it’s focus on my silhouette while telling himself before he was about to call out to me,  
 _“The person behind the photos I really admire is one unbelievable woman.”_  
“Hey, don’t leave me Keira noona!”

Everything was calm is what I would like to say until,  
“Oh my god!”  
“Isn’t that Johnny?!”  
“For real?!”  
A group of teenage girls then squealed as soon as the two of us passed by them.  
“Shit, I’ve been spotted.”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Johnny-ssi, what’s wrong? Don’t tell me you’re?!”  
Right then and there, a conversation then came echoing my head in an instant from back at the studio set.  
 _“Oh, so there’s another idol group also included in the feature story as well?”  
“Yeah, they’re from a different agency from where **BTS** is of course.”_  
The puzzle now fits. Why he was dressed up so formally like that time. Why I had thought he might have been a model in another neighboring set. Why he was in casual disguise clothes that didn’t make him stand out right now but it still did anyway because of our current predicament.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Y-You’re not a model but an idol?!”  
Before I could get a reply, Johnny then pushed me from behind my back as he was then surrounded by shrieking fangirls in the blink of an eye.  
“Johnny-ssi!”  
“Don’t worry about me, noona! I’ll be alright! You go now!”  
Even behind the loud cheers and giggling, I still managed to understand everything he said lastly before he focused his attention to the screaming crowd of girls around him.  
“Is he really gonna be alright alone?”  
I felt kind of bad for leaving him be to take care of it on his own, but he risked his protection now just for my sake.

Was fate trying to make history repeat itself again? Why?  
 _“I guess this is why everyone says life is really a funny thing indeed...”_

Why did the guys I thought were just simple, grounded guys happened to be such extraordinary guys in reality?  
**  
 _ **Late Spring of 2018:  
Seoul, South Korea**_

“Look Namjoon-ah, a cherry blossom fell on my palm.”  
The two of us found ourselves secretly admiring the spring view of Seoul together. Hundreds of cherry blossom trees were in full bloom that you could even smell the scent of spring with your eyes closed.  
“They say if you catch a cherry blossom petal in your hands unintentionally, you can make a _wish_ with it and blow it back to the air so it comes true.”  
He said while looking so lovingly at the dancing trees being swayed by the gentle spring breeze. Is he remembering her again then? Those eyes... the kind of eyes he only shows when he remembers one girl.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“I make a wish then huh?”  
I gripped the petal tight to my chest as if I was praying and closed my eyes whispering to myself,  
 _“I don’t believe in wishes anymore but if I could only wish for one thing right this very second... I wish for some sign whether this love is worth fighting for. That’s it little cherry blossom. So please...”_  
Feeling a bit teary eyed, I then blew away the delicate petal in my palms and watched it being carried away by the breeze.  
“What did you wish for?”  
As he glanced back my way, I quickly wiped away the tears from my eyes and told him without hesitation,  
“I wished if what we have is still worth the fight or not anymore.”  
“Keira...”  
Even if we were standing from each other at a distance, I could still see his _brown eyes_ so clearly under the spring sky and mine was still fixated in his. It was as if the whole world turned to _slow motion_ just for us. It was as if the whole world... tried to soothe my aching heart at the moment.  
“Should we put to a stop to this _**one way**_ love, Namjoon-ah?”  
One cherry blossom petal fell after another, and so did my tears. Before I knew it, he ran up to my side and wrapped me around his consoling arms.  
“K-Keira, I...”  
“I know. It felt like my destiny was wherever you were Namjoon-ah, but lately... my heart _hurts_ just thinking about you... I thought I’d be able to handle it... yet,”  
I was a real fool for having that mindset. I was a real fool for thinking that I’d be able to help him move on. I was a real fool for loving him so much with everything I had as I promised him.  
“No matter what, I’ll _never_ be her Namjoon-ah.”  
“I-I’m... I’m so sorry Keira...”  
His arms wrapped around me and the same arms started to tremble. My heart trembled too at his embrace. However, the way he said ‘ _I’m sorry_ ’ felt all too familiar.  
 _“I-I’m... I’m so sorry Kayla...”_  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
As I watched a cherry blossom petal fall to the ground, I closed my eyes and let the rest of the tears fall down too.  
 _“I guess the answer was right in front of me all along.”_  
I thought pathetically to myself before I slowly pushed myself away from his arms and told him without holding back anymore,  
“Namjoon-ah, I’m _not_ a replacement for _Kayla_. And I never will be.”

I looked through the _windows of this love_ , even though I was the only one _who boarded them up_ from the very start.

From that point on, I believed spring was a season of goodbyes _instead_ of beginnings.  
**  
 _ **Winter of 2019:  
Seoul, South Korea**_

“Why... why do I feel like _fate_ loves making me look like a fool every single time?”  
“Keira...”  
“I really thought something was about to start again but damn it... it still goes back and repeats...”  
I continued my pitiful ranting like a little girl as I finished another shot of _soju_.  
“Keira, that’s enough babe. You’ve had two bottles already, you’re way too drunk.”  
“Hehe~ your voice is so calming Patricia...”  
After what happened at the park in _Han River_ , I decided to stop over for a drink in a restaurant before heading back. But, let’s just say... I drank more than my usual and accidentally called my one friend who I could count on right now.  
“Haaa... yep, you’re drunk all right. Come on, I’ll take you back to your hotel now.”  
“No! I don’t wanna go back yet... look, how is it possible that the guys coming into my life are from another universe? Like... idols? Really? Am I some kind of heroine in a weird romance story or what?”  
Patricia could only shake her head at my stubbornness that comes out heavily every time I’m drunk. Having no choice, she sighed and took out her phone and gave someone a call.  
“Hey Patricia...! Who are you calling?!”  
“Sssh, I’ll call the police if you keep on being loud like that!”  
She warned me as if I was a child who didn’t listen to her mother, yet strangely it worked as my lips immediately zipped guiltily.  
“Yep, she’s with me now.”  
 _“Hmm, I wonder who she’s talking to? Her boyfriend?”_  
I asked myself in a daze from the alcohol buzzing into my system.  
“Sure, but wait?! H-Hello?”  
“Hmm??? Is everything okay Patricia? Do I have to beat up whoever dared to hang up on you now?”  
She just giggled at my drunk state and caressed me on my back which was very comforting.  
“I hope you won’t beat me up instead though, Keira.”  
“E-Eh? What do you mean?”  
I had no idea what she was trying to say that second but before I could even notice what happened next, I closed my eyes in slumber.

 _Moments later...  
“T-This warmth...”_  
As my eyelids slowly opened, I could feel a familiar scent tickling my nose as my sight was still in a blur to identify the person carrying me in their arms. Yet, being in the person’s arms felt like home. A _home_ that I missed terribly.  
“Go back to sleep, Keira. I’m here.”  
That person’s velvety voice was a lullaby to my ears and I couldn’t stop resisting myself from relaxing in their warmth any longer. Even if this was a dream, I didn’t want to ever wake up.

 _A few hours later,_  
“Hmm?”  
I could hear the ticking of the clock as I finally regained a bit of my consciousness coming back. Looking around, I found myself now in an unfamiliar bedroom and unfamiliar place.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“W-Where am I ?”  
“You’re finally awake then?”  
My heartbeat quickened the moment a familiar tall silhouette then entered the room and walked up to me on cue.  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“T-This place...”_  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
Then it wasn’t a dream then. The familiar scent and warmth of those arms were no mistake at all. I was about to get up when,  
“Don’t you even think about it, Keira-ssi. You still need to stay in bed.”  
I was caught off guard when he then pushes me to lie back down on the bed. Our eyes reflected on each other’s in a snap.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
Shit. This is bad. How did I even end up here? I wish the ground could swallow me right now.  
“See, you’re still red all over your face. Your alcohol tolerance hasn’t changed huh?”  
I had to catch my breath the minute he places his big, warm hand on my forehead to check my temperature.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“...”  
“Looks like you don’t have a fever but you’re still not sober enough to get up. I’ll go get you some water for now.”  
Namjoon just caressed my right cheek with his gentle hand before exiting the room to get me water.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
Fuck, this is embarrassing as hell! Why did this have to happen and how? All I remember was I was with someone before I drowsed off to sleep hours ago. And then,  
“Shit, Patricia you traitor! Don’t tell me you were the one who called him?!”  
My head then throbbed in pain from the alcohol as I heard the door close and his voice echoed saying,  
“Now is not the time to think too much to yourself again, Keira. Here, drink this so you won’t get a splitting headache the next time you fall asleep.”  
As he handed over an aspirin tablet and glass of water to me, I could only thank him sheepishly and ask,  
“Thank you, Namjoon-ssi, is this your place then?”  
Namjoon nodded and explained,  
“Yes. All of us have our own places now, Keira-ssi. So, don’t worry.”  
What was happening didn’t seem to sink in as reality to me. Maybe I needed more sleep as I could feel my exhaustion draining me again.  
“I’ll give you time to rest.”  
“Namjoon-ssi, I... I don’t know how to say this but thank you really,”  
My heartbeat almost stopped the second he looked at me seriously and moved his face closer to mine and his soft lips landed on my forehead saying,  
“Call me if you need anything.”  
 _Thump, thump_ went my heart like an idiot even if I was drunk. That was uncalled for but even with that little gesture, I drifted back to sleep in no time.

 _A few more hours later..._  
It was past 9 in the morning when I woke up. I was now sober enough to realize that _one_ , I slept in another person’s bed and it wasn’t just anybody’s bed; and _two_ , I was in Kim Namjoon’s bedroom and in his apartment overall. It was the first time I saw a very monochromatic and wide apartment for one person.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi?”  
“In the kitchen.”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
The second I step into the kitchen, my chest pounded seeing him in his _black framed glasses, and simple black shirt paired with white cargo shorts_. He was trying to mix something in the bowl he was holding.  
“Good morning. Do you feel a lot better now?”  
His gaze then directed towards mine that I had to instantly feign I was okay. Even the way his voice sounded so genial made it very hard not to get flustered.  
“Y-Yeah, thank you.”  
“Do you want anything for breakfast? I’m trying to make pancakes but... why is it not coming together when I mix it like the instructions said to do so?”  
I could only blink puzzlingly at what I had heard.  
“You’re cooking? W-Wait, that’s a first indeed.”  
My footsteps unknowingly approached him and as I took one look at the bowl, I sighed and told him,  
“Namjoon-ssi, do you have more of the pancake batter mix and eggs?”  
He looked at me curiously and just nodded.  
“Yeah, but why?”  
“I’ll take care of it.”  
It was his turn to blink at my odd remark but he just gave up and handed over the wooden spatula he was holding on to.

I could feel him staring a hole into me as I was busy mixing the ingredients together in another separate bowl. I didn’t even know why I was still here with him in his apartment when I could have left when I woke up. _But, here I am._  
“Namjoon-ssi, not to be rude but... your staring is really making me queasy.”  
“You haven’t changed. What’s wrong with me staring at someone I want to?”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
How is he so damn smooth with every word that escapes his mouth? This is getting bad for my heart in every way possible.  
 _“Oh boy... shut up stupid heart...”_  
“Please stop being such a sweet talker Namjoon-ssi, it’s making me lose focus.”  
“If I still have that effect on you, I’m not going to stop Keira-ssi.”  
“Sheesh.”  
I don’t know where our relationship lies at the moment, but even in this short span bubble, I wish everything was as simple as if we forgot the ache and old wounds.

“These taste amazing, Keira-ssi.”  
“That’s good to know then.”  
We sat across from each other on the counter that served as a table too in the kitchen. As we could only hear the sounds of the utensils moving and the clock ticking, I then broke the silence and asked,  
“Namjoon-ssi, why did you bring me here? were you the one who carried me all the way from the restaurant?”  
Putting down his fork and knife, he couldn’t help but chuckle saying,  
“Yes. I had no idea what hotel you were staying at so I decided it would be best to bring you here to my place. You’re still a lightweight as ever with alcohol.”  
“Jeez, I know I should be thanking you and all but I don’t know if I should do it to boost your ego.”  
His _brown eyes_ then out of the blue turned a bit sadden as he said,  
“I’m just glad that you’re okay and I managed to help you at the least.”  
 _*thump*_  
“Namjoon-ssi,”  
Shit. Those _sad_ eyes. My heart felt like it was being squeezed again. Whenever he looks at me like that, it just makes my nerves leap.  
“When Patricia called me, I didn’t expect that the voice she was scolding from the other line was you...”  
 _“Patricia, you’re so going to get it the next time we see each other.”_  
I promised to myself inside my head before he continued on.  
“But I guess she wasn’t kidding that the drunk version of yourself is even hard for her to handle.”  
“Hey, don’t even give me that nonsense. Have you even seen yourself drunk too?! Hmph, you’re just as blunt and talkative as I am when you’re drunk!”  
The two of us just stared awkwardly at each other, almost blushing at the mention of what happened in the past.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“Shit, what am I even doing? This is so wrong, moving on from Namjoon will be as good as impossible if we keep meeting like this... first back at my exhibit in Paris, next the photoshoot, and now...”_  
“A-Ah, I’ll clean up now.”  
Trying to divert my attention, I then picked up the plates and utensils and stood up from my seat heading straight for the sink.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
It didn’t help that not only was I alone with Namjoon now, but also I was also alone with him in his damn apartment. A lot of taboo thoughts then came crawling inside my mind.  
 _“Shut up, shut up heart, now is not the time for thoughts like that!”_  
With where the silence was going, I knew I had to say something whether it was trivial or not.  
“Um so, don’t you have any schedule for today Nam—-?!”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
Before I could react, I felt a familiar pair of warm arms that wrapped around my waist from behind me. Not to mention, his body heat was too impossible not to notice and give me goosebumps.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi, what are you doing?”  
It was no use. I was too flustered at what he just did. I was about to glance back at him when,  
“Fuck this.”  
“?!”  
He moved his face closer and made our lips meet each other’s. His kiss was gentle and sweet at first that tasted like maple syrup and butter from the pancakes we just ate. It was addicting.  
“H-Haaa... N-Namjoon-ssi, no...”  
“Keira, take off my glasses for me please.”  
He seductively lowered his voice on my right ear as if he was growling at me that it made me shudder in the best way.  
“Is that much better?”  
“Yes, much better.”  
Trying to catch my breath at how his _brown eyes_ glimmered, he just leaned his forehead on mine and pecked both of my eyelids next whispering on my left ear with his ever deep voice,  
“Fuck Keira, your lips are sweeter than the pancakes.”  
My whole body felt as if I was melting from the short breath of his voice lingering in my left ear. Without further ado, he devoured my lips once again.  
“A-Aaah N-Namjoon-ssi, p-please...”  
“Shit Keira, hold on to me baby.”  
It didn’t even take 5 seconds for him to make me sit on the kitchen counter and made my tongue meet up with his. The way his kisses were going deeper that it could literally leave me breathless, my whole body felt hotter too.  
“M-Mmmm... p-please...”  
As I gripped tightly onto his soft hair, his lips now started teasing me on my neckline that it sent so much shivers from my head to toe in bliss.  
“Keira, hold on tight next baby.”  
I followed without question and made my legs wrap around his hips next as he carried me while tightly holding on to my bottom _without_ taking off his lips away from mine even once.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi... m-mmm... a-aah...”  
He then carried me straight to his room that not even when we were bumping into his things and anything else, it didn’t stop him and his lips from intoxicating me more than any kind and amount of alcohol could.

When he lets my back rest on his bedroom door to close it, his big, warm hands then started caressing my thighs, going up next to my waist, then my chest.  
“Haaaa... w-wait N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
“Sssh, I’ll take care of you this time, Keira.”  
Without even asking for my permission, he stripped me out of my bra within seconds and gave both of my breasts a gentle message that my whole body whimpered in ecstasy.  
“You’ve always loved this huh, baby?”  
“N-Namjoon-ah... y-yes...”  
I hadn’t noticed from the pleasure that even the way I called him changed already.  
“Come here my love.”  
He hooked me again with his lips and tongue for the hundredth time. Every part of my body was in a trance for one man, _back then and even now._

Namjoon continued his way with me the second my back touched his bed. I had to take more quick breaths as I looked at his _alluring brown eyed gaze_ from on top of me.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Am I dreaming?”  
I reached out my right hand to touch his cheek as if trying to convince myself if I was still dreaming and still drunk. He took my hand on his cheek, held it, and kissed it while telling me,  
“No, this is real. I’m really here. You’re here with me now Keira.”  
A few tears then streamed down my cheeks as I said,  
“Namjoon-ah, do you really... do you really still love me?”  
He wiped the tears from my face with his gentle touch and replied,  
“You won’t believe me through words so I’ll show you instead.”  
“A-aah... hmmm... N-Namjoon-ah... I... I need you...”  
Maybe I’ll never get enough of one man’s lips. The way he can change it from a _gentle_ peck, to a _passionate_ one, and now it was as if he was trying to tell me again that this kiss was _just as important as breathing_ even if it meant I could lose my heavy breathing any minute.  
“Undress me Keira.”  
I nodded. I first took off his black shirt of course and was in awe at how striking the man was as if this was the first time I’m seeing him in this light. My hands then made its way to take off his shorts next.  
“It’s your turn, mademoiselle.”  
Namjoon in a snap took off my dress and since my bra was already taken off, he just stared at me with those eyes that could swallow me up.  
“Fuck Keira...”  
“A-Aaah...!”  
I moaned the second he slips his hand onto my underwear and _inserted_ a finger on the most sensitive spot. My thoughts immediately turned to mush and my head started spinning.  
“Shit baby, you’re wet already.”  
“N-Namjoon-ah...”  
His lips then trailed to my chest up to my stomach and even both sides of my thighs that I could only cry in euphoria with my nails already digging into his broad back.  
“Be louder baby, I’m the _only_ one who can hear your cries and moans now.”  
With a devilish smirk, he removed his hand from my underwear and took it off so quickly and his on cue. We were now bare for each other.  
“N-Namjoon-ah, I...”  
“Call me Joonie again, Keira my love.”  
I was now under his complete _spell_.  
“J-Joonie... please...”  
“Fuck, I can’t resist you anymore.”  
Before I knew it, he split both of my legs apart and moved his face to leave a kiss on the most sensitive spot on my body.  
“M-Mmm... n-not there Joonie...! A-aaah...!”  
“S-Shit Keira...!”  
I could only _clench_ on to the bedsheets as my voice screamed in ecstasy as I felt his tongue reach inside of me next and playfully twirled like a tease. The way he could make my body react like magic every single time as if he was a damn magician who was the best at what he was doing.  
“A-aaah, N-Namjoon-ah...!”  
“You taste so sweet Keira, see?”  
As he then pushed his inner god into me without second thoughts, I was about to cry out again as my body was reacting as if it reached heaven and then he entrapped me again with his lips and tongue over and over on repeat.  
“M-Mmm... Joonie... i-it hurts...”  
“Sssh, it’s gonna be okay. Just _focus_ on me.”  
My hips whimpered with him _slowly_ thrusting inside of me. I lost how many times my head blanked out from all of the pleasure that flooded my entire body.  
“I’m going to move faster this time my love, are you ready?”  
“Y-Yes, please...”  
Kissing me on the tip of my nose, he then _fastened_ the pace of his thrust inside me. And because of that, my moaning grew louder.  
“A-Aaaaah, fuck N-Namjoon-ah...!”  
“S-Shit, K-Keira...!”  
With every thrust, my body reacted _enchantingly_. I had forgotten how much of a man Kim Namjoon was and he proved it once again in the most euphoric way possible.  
“N-Namjoon-ah, I-I’m about to cum.”  
“Go for it my love. I’ll follow suit.”  
He continued kissing me and thrusting inside of me more faster this time until we both reached the _climax_ of our lovemaking.  
“H-Haaaa... h-haaaa... N-Namjoon-ah...!”  
“Almost there, fuck...! K-Keira...!”

The moment we both plop down to the bed exhausted and still filled with a heavy feeling of elation, he leaned in closer and pecked me on my lips saying,  
“You’re _beautiful_ back then and even now, Keira.”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Namjoon-ah...”  
With my eyelids slowly closing as my tiredness sinked in, he pulled me closer to his side and let my head rest on his calmly beating chest.  
“Sleep, I’ll be here and _I love you._ ”  
Those simple choice of words were more than enough to drift me off to sleep in his homelike arms.

**  
 _ **Summer of 2018:  
Seoul, South Korea**_

“It’s a waste to let you go Keira-ssi, but if you are sure, I guess we can’t stop you then.”  
“Thank you so much for the opportunity again, _Mr. President_ , Bang Si Hyuk-nim.”  
Politely thanking and saying goodbye to my now former boss, I exited his office and took a deep breath in and out as I let the pounding of my chest slow down.  
“Phew...”  
“So, how did it go?”  
Patricia asked in anticipation.  
“I’m officially unemployed again, Patricia!”  
The two of us hugged each other in glee of the news. Don’t get me wrong, even though we won’t be seeing much of each other anymore, i was still happy that I’ll finally go back to Paris by tomorrow.  
“Jeez, it’s the first time I’m so happy when one of my friends job contract ends, but this is what you want now right?”  
After the last few months of rethinking of where I want my future to go from this point forward, I nodded with a sincere smile.  
“Yes. I’ll be sure to make a name for myself in the near future!”  
“I’m so happy for you!”  
It was my last day of being part of _BigHit Entertainment._ With all of my schedules already done and my portfolio updated, I held my head high because this wasn’t an ending for my career, but was just another step to fulfill my new found dream.

Yet, as my career was taking flight, it didn’t mean that the other aspects of my life were smooth sailing, especially when today... today was the _last_ day I was going to visit him.  
“Are you going to where he is now?”  
“I have to. I don’t want to waste any more of my time.”  
“ _Fighting!_ If you need back up, just call me. Got it?”  
Hugging her, I really needed that cheerful boost of positive energy because today was going to be a very long day.

 _In a while later..._  
“Keira noona... wait...!”  
As I was about to go near where Namjoon’s private studio room was in the agency’s building, I was surprised when Taehyung then came up running towards me worriedly.  
“Taehyung-ssi, what’s the matter?”  
“Um... well... you can’t enter Namjoon hyung’s studio right now...!”  
He was acting suspiciously as if he was hiding something.  
“Taehyung-ssi, you’re giving me that nervous look of yours again. What are you trying to—?”  
And before I could finish my sentence, I was surprised when I heard _voices_ growing loud from somewhere very near where we were standing.  
“H-How am I supposed to tell her all of this then? That everything about us shouldn’t have happened?”  
“Namjoon-ah, this is not the time to be reading that letter!”  
“If you had let her go in the first place, this wouldn’t have happened.”  
“This is what we were warning you about since last year.”  
Those voices.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“W-Why are Seokjin _oppa_ , Yoongi _oppa_ , and Hoseok-ssi’s voices inside his studio right now?”  
“Noona wait...!”  
Not even thinking about the consequences, I ran towards one room and entered even without knocking because my anxiousness was good at getting the best of me.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“W-What’s going on in here?”  
“K-Keira...”  
“Shit.”  
“Keira-ssi,”  
“Well about that,”  
My worried gaze then went to one man in the room as I then asked again,  
“Why did all of you go quiet the second I came in the room huh? Are you hiding something from me, Namjoon-ssi?”  
“Keira, please...”  
Seokjin could only sigh at where the tense conversation was going and said,  
“Namjoon-ah, it’s time you should tell Keira-ssi once and for all. She deserves to know.”  
“Deserve to know what exactly?”  
I didn’t like where the atmosphere was going.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“I heard Seokjin _oppa_ yelling about a letter. Is that what you’re holding in your hands right now?”  
With a very long sigh, Namjoon finally handed over the letter in his hands to me.  
“Keira-ssi,”  
“If you need time to talk things out alone, we’ll get going now.”  
Yoongi and Hoseok’s voices didn’t reach me in time as my eyes couldn’t stop shaking at the letter I was then reading with my eyes and my heart trembled so much that it was getting hard to breathe.  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“So this is the final verdict huh... shit, it hurts but I knew this was going to happen sooner or later...”_  
I told myself _foolishly_ of the very, very late realization on my part. I quickly bowed politely to them and said,  
“Thank you for bearing with me all this time guys, I wish you nothing but happiness for the rest of the time okay?”  
“Keira...”  
“Why are you suddenly saying things like that, Keira noona?”  
As Taehyung’s voice then also entered the scene by the door, I wiped the tears that were watering the corners of my eyes and said with a wry smile,  
“This is my last day here. I’m going back to Paris tomorrow. That’s why I wanted to say goodbye to all of you for the last time.”  
Right after what I had said, I made a run for it and didn’t look back that I didn’t even notice that Jimin and Jungkook had passed by as they were about to call out to me.  
“Eh? Wasn’t that?”  
“Keira noona?”

“Keira!”  
“N-Namjoon-ssi?”  
There was a small park right beside the agency. I sat there and continued crying as I read the rest of the letter.  
“Thank goodness I found you.”  
“...”  
I still didn’t know how I should face him right now.  
“Is it true, you’re really going back to Paris tomorrow? Why didn’t you tell me?”  
“For what though? You didn’t plan on telling me about this too if I didn’t go there? Maybe I shouldn’t have come really, and just left...”  
As I stood up from the bench where I was sitting, I was about to walk away when,  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Damn it Keira! Don’t... don’t go...”  
“Namjoon-ssi...”  
My feet could only stay in its place when he embraced me from behind to stop me.  
“Stay here. Stay with me. I refuse to let you go Keira.”  
The words I had longed to hear from one man really happened, but _I don’t know where my heart lies with him anymore._ Letting the tears drip down, I loosened his grip around my waist and faced him saying,  
“I can’t. I can’t stay with you anymore Namjoon-ssi. I’m going to let go of you first.”  
“Keira...”  
He just looked at me with pure doubt written all over his ever beautiful face. Now it was my turn to embrace him even with my short arms and unending last words.  
“Didn’t I tell you a few months ago that I won’t ever be a replacement for _Kayla-ssi?_ That’s why no matter how much painful this is for me, no matter _how much_ I give all of my love for you, nothing will matter unless you heal first.”  
“You aren’t a replacement for her, Keira!”  
He raised his voice at me, this was the first and last time I’ll be hearing his confused tone.  
“I know, that’s why I’m letting you go first. So, that you have time to heal by yourself without any more distractions and,”  
“Keira... please don’t...”  
Biting my lip because of the heavy sob I was trying to hold back upon hearing the sadness in his voice, I had to stand my ground until the very end.  
“I’ll have time to heal by myself too Namjoon-ssi. Let’s go our _separate_ ways starting now.”  
“K-Keira...”  
Letting go of my embrace around him, I looked up at his face that was looking down at me teary eyed as well. My lips just turned to a smile as I wiped the tears from his cheeks with both of my hands and said,  
“Thank you for everything, Kim Namjoon-ssi.”  
Namjoon’s hands then cupped both of my small hands on his cheeks. I tiptoed and gave him a _quick last kiss_ on the lips before telling him lastly while looking one more time at his _sad, brown eyes_ as if I was taking one last shot of him for my memories.  
“Goodbye, Monsieur Kim.”

I then went on my way.  
I expected things were heading this way, but I didn’t think it could hurt this much. The very summer last year, I had _swore_ I would piece back his heart together.

And this summer, I couldn’t even piece back myself together after getting my heart _shattered_ just like that.  
**  
 _ **Winter of 2019:  
Seoul, South Korea**_

I was sitting in the bathtub in Namjoon’s bathroom, waking up with that rather long dream I had just a while ago. I remember it so _vividly_. The very day we split ways around last year. _And now I’m here._  
“Even after that day, _I saw him everywhere_ , and the only thing we did not share was the not-so small town we shared in those seasons.”  
To be real honest, after what happened just now, I know that _my heart, my body, and my love_ still goes back to one man himself but... what’s the point of me moving on then?  
“ _Trying to find a part of me that he didn’t take up_ is probably the most difficult thing for me to answer.”  
My mind continued to reflect everything that had happened so far. _First_ , him coming to my exhibit back then. _Second_ , us promising that we won’t see each other again. _Third_ , me seeing him and the guys again by accident. _Fourth_ , my situation right now.  
“What are you trying to tell me _fate_... is this your way of telling me he deserves a second chance?”  
Yet, the biggest question for me was, was I ready to put my trust again on him?  
“Looks like I’ll have to make an important decision soon.”  
I closed my eyes and let the rest of the bubbles comfort me in the silence.

After my bath, I then knocked on the door to his study room.  
“Come in.”  
“Namjoon-ssi, can we talk please?”  
As soon as we made eye contact, he just stared blankly at me.  
“Is something wrong?”  
“A-Ah no. It’s just weird seeing you in my clothes right now. W-Weird in a good way of course.”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
When his face all of a sudden turned shy, I couldn’t let that collapse the real reason why I had to speak to him.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
However no matter how much I tried to get the words out, my hands started shaking as I gripped on tightly to the bottom of his hoodie that I was wearing.  
“Keira, what’s wrong?”  
As he then walked up to my side, he placed his hand on top of my head and said,  
“Tell me what’s wrong, Keira. I know you’re trying to hold yourself back.”  
I hated how on point he was all the time. I hated how that no matter what, he still draws me towards him. I hated how that even after the time that passed by, _I still love him_.  
“I... I just can’t anymore...”  
“Keira...!”  
Before I knew it, I made a run for it and found myself crying while hugging both of my knees on top of his bed.  
“Keira, love... why are you crying?”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
The way he calls me _love_ like it’s just so plain and simple but it make my heart perturb so much. Sniffling, I just told him as I felt his warm hand ruffling the back of my hair to calm me down,  
“N-Namjoon-ssi, please stop giving me reasons to love you again. Please...”  
“Keira, look at me.”  
His voice sounded so calm but demanding at the same time that I had to look up at him even with the obvious tears splattered all over my face.  
“Come here.”  
As he then opened up his arms, that was my only go signal to wrap my arms around his neck and sob like a little child since there were _only us_ in his place right now.  
“Let it all out, let it all out.”  
“I... I know I had said I was moving on and all... _but I still love you_... no matter how much it hurts...”  
“Keira...”  
Namjoon’s embrace was so snug that I could stay like this for a long time. Just him and his scent that flooded every part of my senses. The way his hands would caress me on my back to reassure me whenever I had a problem.  
“I-I’m sorry Namjoon-ssi, I’m sorry.”  
“Why are you saying sorry Keira? I should be the one apologizing to you for everything.”  
Letting go of my arms around his neck, I then held both of his big hands and said as the tears drip straight to our hands holding on together.  
“W-We _both_ made mistakes Namjoon-ssi. A relationship takes two people, not only one. Remember?”  
“Keira...”  
I don’t know where this conversation was heading towards, but deep down, I was just afraid to admit to myself that I too haven’t moved on from him. That’s why the _pages to our story kept on writing_.  
“I don’t know if you’re really over her or not even now, but I do believe I was glad to have given _my love and heart_ to someone like you Kim Namjoon-ssi.”  
“Keira, you...”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
No wonder my heart felt heavy just at the simple thought of him. Right then and there, my eyes were _finally_ opened up to the truth. I still had feelings for the man in front of me. That’s why I didn’t hesitate to say,  
“ _I love you_ Namjoon-ssi, that’s why I need to let you go once and for all.”  
“Keira, why do you insist of saying that? I’m still in love with you yet you’re willing to let me go?”  
I just shook my head and explained to him,  
“Because I don’t think my heart is yet ready to accept anybody right now... I still want to continue to move on with my life and I feel like you should do the same thing too, Namjoon-ssi.”  
“Keira...”  
“You still have a bright road with the guys ahead, Namjoon-ssi. Don’t keep on looking back but _move yourself forward_. Who knows what the future has in store for us, right?”  
In silence, he wrapped me around his embrace and I let him because this might really be the last time we’ll be stuck in our own little bubble before it pops for good.  
“If that’s how you feel Keira, I have no choice but to respect it because that’s what you do when you love someone.”  
A certain memory then echoed inside my head right at that very moment.  
“Namjoon-ssi, do you remember what you had told me back when we saw each other at Paris for the first time since our relationship ended?”  
“What do you mean?”  
The rest of my tears streamed down as I let my head rest on his heavily beating chest while being engulfed in his warmth all together.  
“If two people really loved each other, _fate is the one who cheats on them._ ”

In the silence, the two of us _finally found closure_ that we both deserved all this time.  
In the silence, I finally understood what _fate_ was trying to tell me every time it brought Namjoon and I together since that exhibit.  
**  
 _ **Summer of 2018:  
Seoul, South Korea**_

I don’t know how long I’ve been standing by the sidewalk, I’ve seen the lights turn to _green, yellow orange, and red_ for how many times now. People passed by here and there. Car’s honking and smoke carried along with the passing breezes.  
 _“Keira, you don’t have to do this, right?”_  
Namjoon’s voice was the only audible thing I could hear echoing in my ear. At the back of my mind, me standing here alone by the side of the road while staring at the blinking traffic lights, my whole body felt numb.  
“ _Traffic lights_ , will I ever be alright?”  
When the sign turned to the color ‘ _ **red**_ ’, I took a deep breath before the tears I had been holding back came drowning me on cue.  
 _“I’m sorry, Keira. I’m sorry.”_  
The memory of his strong warm arms wrapped around me, and his homelike scent that smelt like pine trees and his favorite soap were more than enough to hurt me in all possible ways.

How did it get to this point?

I don’t know. The only things I could remember were me saying goodbye and him not stopping me. The latter one hurts like shit. But, that was my reality.

The reality of not being the ‘ _ **greatest love**_ ’ to the man you have loved with all of _your heart, your hips, your body, and your love_.  
“Saying goodbye is _**death by a thousand cuts**_ indeed.”  
As soon as the traffic lights turned ‘ ** _green_** ’, I crossed the street with my tears being illuminated under the street lights while gripping tightly onto the letter that was in my pocket telling myself,  
“Time to take the long way home.”

 _And that became the end of a love that I thought was one for the ages._  
**  
 ** _Winter of 2019:  
Seoul, South Korea_**

 _Morning of the next day,_  
“It’s nice to see you safe and sound this time, Johnny-ssi.”  
After spending a memorable last night with Namjoon, I now found myself meeting one familiar figure by the _Han River’s Park_ again to settle things before I go back to my hotel and head to the airport.  
“Keira noona... I’ve been so worried if anything bad had happened to you since the other day!”  
“I should be the one telling you that though, were you okay after what happened?”  
He just nodded with a hearty laugh telling me,  
“I’m still in one piece standing here with you aren’t I?”  
“How cheeky.”  
I couldn’t help but chuckle at his weird remark. Johnny could only blink in confusion at my facial expression.  
“Hmm? Is something wrong?”  
“I don’t know... you do look like the Keira noona that I met but there’s something _different_ about you now.”  
Now that he mentioned it, I feel like everything was just lighter for some reason. Maybe because I finally stopped running away from my feelings, I feel _liberated_ once again.  
“I just feel more... contented now.”  
“Really?”  
I nodded with a smile.  
“Yep. I’ve been desperately convincing myself that I was over my previous relationship even though I wasn’t.”  
His eyes grew wide at the sudden news I dropped.  
“W-What?!”  
“But I’m okay now! It feels like our slates have been wiped clean that the air between us is clear now and that makes me relieved of course.”  
My gaze then focused on the river’s serene view with the chilly winter morning weather.  
 _“Kayla-ssi, everything’s settled now. Finally.”_  
I thought passingly to myself before I then told Johnny,  
“That’s why Johnny-ssi, you shouldn’t hold yourself back if you have feelings for someone okay? Tell that person head on!”  
He just gave me a boyish smile beneath the snowy scenery surrounding us as he then confessed so nonchalantly,  
“I like you, Keira noona. That’s me being honest then.”

Closing my eyes, there’s no use of me holding back too anymore.  
“Johnny-ssi, thank you for being upfront with me but I can’t answer your feelings.”  
“Keira noona...”  
Focusing my gaze at his ever _mysterious brown eyes_ , it was my turn to confess to him with a slight bow,  
“I’m _still_ in love with someone right now. That’s why I can’t easily accept your feelings. I’m sorry.”  
“Haa... I just got rejected by Miss Keira herself... I don’t know if I should be happy or not about it...”  
Getting to know this bright, young man in a very short amount of time was the _right kind of eye opener_ that I needed especially with everything that happened between Namjoon and I.  
“I know you’ll find a girl who’s just as great as you are soon, Johnny-ssi.”  
“Keira noona... thank you for everything, really.”  
The two of us just continued to exchange last passing laughter and conversation before I looked at my watch and excused myself to leave or else I’ll be late.

“Eh? Where are you going now, Keira noona?”  
His voice then echoed under the winter sky as we were now standing a bit of a distance from each other.  
“I’m going back to Paris this afternoon, that’s why it was nice to meet you Johnny-ssi! I hope you come to one of my exhibits in the future!”  
We both waved goodbye to each other with one last smiles as he shouted back,  
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world Keira noona! Take care!”

Johnny watched my silhouette grow smaller and smaller as he then stared at the _Han River_ with a sigh saying to himself,  
“Who knew that noona was already in a relationship before? Jeez, so much for showing her how cool of a man I could be! I’ll be sure to show her that side of me next time.”

I ran back to the hotel with my heart never once feeling unsettled for the _first time_ in the longest while.

 _Later that same afternoon,_  
“I guess this is goodbye for now, Patricia.”  
“Jeez, I’m going to miss you! You should stay longer next time, got it?”  
As my flight was boarding in half an hour, I hugged my dear friend once again.  
“You still owe me big time for what you did to me at the restaurant!”  
She just rolled her eyes playfully at me. But really though, I was the one who owed her since if it wasn’t because of what she did, Namjoon and I wouldn’t have patched up the loose ends in our relationship.  
“Whatever. It’s worth it since you’re now back to your old lively self!”  
“Thank you, Patricia. Come visit soon okay?”  
“On your next exhibit I hope!”  
As the next flights were announced, she then pushed me that I almost tripped on my trolley.  
“Hey! That could’ve almost hurt me you know!”  
“Get going already before your stay here suddenly gets extended!”  
The two of us waved goodbye to each other as I then went on my way.

Back then, I couldn’t wait to have left Seoul because of bad memories I wanted to leave behind.  
 _But now, I couldn’t wait to come back to Seoul because I’m taking both of the good and bad memories with me wherever I am._

**  
One man’s _brown eyes_ couldn’t stop shaking as he made a run for it. He still _saw her face in every stranger’s face_. No matter how much he ran, it felt like he was already too late. And his gut feelings were answered as soon it was announced that the flight that one girl was in had already taken off just now.  
“I’ll keep it safe until the next time we meet wherever you are, Keira.”  
He looked lovingly at the familiar _small locket necklace_ that was glimmering under the lights as he held it tightly in his right hand before making his way back while the memory of her smile still lingering in his thoughts.

***  
 _ **Epilogue:**_

_**Autumn of 2020  
Paris, France** _

“Keira, this exhibit is unlike anything you’ve ever done!”  
“Thank you Patricia.”  
Ever since I came back to Paris, I tried experimenting different fields of photography and decided to study more since learning was a whole continuing experience. And then look at where I am now, launching my first _major_ exhibit for the year to the public.  
“The photos are really incredible Keira, like really. It’s new but it still has your sentimental touch. Not to mention, Taehyung-ssi couldn’t stop himself from posting one of your photos on their SNS.”  
How could I forget? My SNS account notifications skyrocketed when he did that. But, I was _really_ happy that he liked it nevertheless even though he and the guys couldn’t make it because they’re still getting ready for their album promotions back at Seoul.  
“Don’t even remind me. I had to mute all of my notifs because of what he did.”  
“But yep you can’t deny, his publicity made you the talk of the world all over SNS.”  
The two of us fell to a laugh before a couple of high school girls then approached us and asked sheepishly,  
“Um... Miss Keira, can we take a photo with you?”  
“Sure! Can my friend join us too?”  
She nodded as I then handed over my camera to one of the exhibit’s staffs to take our photo.  
“Thanks for coming then girls. I hope you enjoyed the photos.”  
“We love them Miss Keira!”  
“We’ve been waiting for months to come to your exhibit! And it was really worth it. Your photos are really beautiful.”  
Patricia and I just exchanged satisfied chuckles at each other as one of the girls then asked on cue,  
“Miss Keira, is it okay if we ask why did you name the exhibit ‘ _ **Lost in Love**_ ,’ then?”  
Remembering the real reason why I named the exhibit ‘ _Lost in Love,_ ’ I explained to them,  
“Because the photos in the exhibit are my personal love letters to one person who was an important part of my life.”  
Patricia caught my gaze and just smiled as the girls then squealed asking all in curiosity,  
“Really?! Are you together now then?!”  
“Who is he?!”  
“You’re such a hopeless romantic Miss Keira!”  
Pretending to not hear their last questions, I just told them lastly as I thought to myself,  
 _“Are you together now then huh?”_  
“That’s a secret.”

“A secret huh? Too bad they’ll never know that you haven’t seen each other ever since 2019 right?”  
Patricia and I were now standing in front of one of my photos as she then pointed out to me suspiciously.  
“They don’t need to know. Everything has _fallen_ into place already with the two of us, so as long as he’s happy, that’s good for me.”  
I heard her sigh as she hugged me again.  
“I’m so proud of you, Keira.”  
“Thank you.”  
If you’re wondering what happened between Namjoon and I, we never saw each other again after I got back to Paris. Even if I was in Seoul earlier this year because of an event, there were no coincidental meetings that happened anymore. _It was as if fate had enough of our story and moved on._ And that’s what I did, and I too hope that’s what he did.  
“Keira, did you really name the exhibit because of your memories with him?”  
Patricia asked in all honesty this time. I nodded telling her,  
“Yeah, you could say that. It’s like the _final piece_ of the puzzle to help me move on. All of the photos displayed here are our memories together, I made them _vague_ enough for people not to notice it was him, _but sentimental_ enough for them to remember someone they had loved too in their lives.”  
“If you’re brave enough to show your memories together to the whole world, you’re okay now then?”  
I just looked at the photo in front of me that was personally one of my favorites because it brings back a lot of nostalgic feelings.  
“Yes, I’m _more_ than okay now. Like you said before, we all have _our own ways of moving on_. And this is mine.”  
“I love how you made the photo black and white and the only thing with color is the necklace almost sparkling in the person’s hands, and you really titled it ‘ _ **My Heart, My Trust**_ ,’ huh?”  
I told Patricia that photo was taken long ago after Namjoon gave me that necklace during my birthday when we were still together. The other photos were the _important places we’ve been to together and some were photos of me which he took._ I couldn’t put photos of him which I shot because it’d be bad if someone understands the context behind the photo and ends up exposing it was him. Although...  
“Keira, there’s one photo I’m very curious of.”  
“Don’t tell me it’s the photo right beside the necklace photo?”  
She nodded with her brown eyes glimmering in excitement of the story behind the photo next to us.  
“The story behind ‘ _ **A Great Love**_ ’ then next?”  
“Yes! Yes! Please!”  
The simple memory flashback made my heart _flutter_ as if it happened only yesterday.  
“It’s around the time we were still in Thailand together, I ended up telling him about a dream I had where we were comparing our hand sizes, and so he tried to redo the dream in real life as we _clasped_ both of our hands together in the photo.”  
The background was in color but the two of us which I cropped out our faces _(except from the neck towards the hands)_ were all in black and white. Anyone could tell it was Namjoon’s lips just by staring at his _dimples_ at the not-cropped version.  
“Haaa~ this photo is so _dreamy_ even if you don’t know who the man is. I guess I understand now why you wanted the photos to be _vague, but sentimental_. It’s just amazing, Keira.”  
Glancing at the photos made my heart warm and fuzzy as if I was being embraced in his cozy arms.  
“Thank you, Patricia. I hope he thinks so too.”

 _A little while later,_  
“Um Miss Keira, it looks like someone sent these to you.”  
I was talking to a few photography friends when all of a sudden I was taken by surprise when one of the exhibit’s staffs handed over a bouquet of flowers and a small white package to me.  
“These flowers...”  
 _Peach and pink colored roses_. My lips couldn’t help but turn to a big smile as I then read what was written in the little card in the middle of the bouquet.  
 _To: Miss Keira-nim,  
We’re proud of you!!!  
Wish we all could be there really.  
From: Vante and the 6 dorks_

I’ll be sure to add this to the blog later. The smell of the flowers still tickled my nose as I then stared at the puzzling box with the flowers.  
“Keira? What’s wrong?”  
“Ah, well...”  
“Flowers and a package? Hmm?”  
Patricia grinned teasingly at me as if she knew who the flowers were from.  
“Don’t even _think_ about it. Take the flowers for now while I open this.”  
“Fine, fine.”  
Rolling my eyes at her, I then opened the box and was surprised to find what was inside.  
“A letter?”  
“Oh my gosh, _to Miss Keira_?! It has your name on it at the other side!”  
“Jeez, someone’s too excited.”  
Flipping the letter to the other side, she was right. My name was indeed there so it was intended to be sent for me. _Why did the handwriting feel so familiar_?  
“Open it already!”  
“Alright, alright. Sheesh.”  
When I opened the letter, there were just a couple of folded papers inside it. However, my eyes couldn’t stop shaking and my heartbeat on cue quickened at what I then read and saw with my own _two gray eyes_.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“T-This is...”

_Later that night,_

After the exhibit, I was now standing by the _traffic lights_ waiting for the signal to turn _green_ , the autumn air was a bit chilly but it didn’t matter to me anymore.  
“ _Traffic lights_ , will I be alright?”  
My eyes then were glued to the huge billboard TV across the street that flashed a video of _seven familiar boys_.  
 _ **BTS taking the world again by storm with their brand new album release next week, preorder yours now!**_  
As soon as the _traffic lights_ turned _green_ , I crossed the street with a sincere smile forming on my lips as I held on tightly to the _letter_ inside my coat’s pocket while the street lights illuminated the _small gold necklace_ around my neck.  
 _“Keira, this song is for you.”_  
I didn’t need to ask the _traffic lights_ that same old question because I can _finally_ tell myself,  
“I’ll be alright from now on.”

_And that became the end of a love that **for me** was one for the ages._

_**End.**_  
***  
 ~~finished: 06/05/2020~~


	2. All Too Well: Kim Namjoon’s POV for DBATC

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All Too Well  
> — Kim Namjoon’s POV for Death by a Thousand Cuts
> 
> Part 1: The Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Kaila here 🌸
> 
> here is Kim Namjoon’s POV for the DBATC story entitled “All Too Well” 😔
> 
> Namjoon’s POV will be split into two parts namely,  
> Part 1: The Past  
> Part 2: The Present 
> 
> hope you enjoy(?) his POV 🙂💜
> 
> #  
> playlist: 👇🏻💗
> 
> link: (https://open.spotify.com/playlist/18U1pTvxqfNaD5EsMlJ48g?si=tM3z0kkLQyOt7Ym5AnlDtQ)
> 
> the other songs from the DBATC playlist +  
> All Too Well — Taylor Swift  
> Love Letter — LOONA  
> Love Maze — BTS
> 
> **  
> On with the story then 😬😬😬

~~_**Part 1: The Past** _ ~~

**  
**_Prologue:_**

“I’m sorry if I wasn’t enough for you from the very beginning, Namjoon-ssi.”  
Those were the only words that echoed around me as I watched her walk away, and as I watched the tears fall from her ever beautiful _gray eyes_.  
I didn’t stop her anymore.  
I couldn’t stop her.  
I didn’t have the right to make her stay.

I stood there feeling numb by the _traffic lights_.  
_“Joonie, if you ever find someone who’s willing to accept you with her whole heart, to accept what happened to us, to be there for you unconditionally through all the good and the hurt, don’t let her go.”_  
The last part of that special girl’s letter made me realize way too late. Too late to take back what I did and what I should’ve did in the first place.  
_“Hold on to that person before it’s too late Kim Namjoon. You deserve to be happy, even if I’m no longer with you.”_  
As my tears took over me, the only thing I could say that moment under the witness of the summer’s chilling breeze,  
“What have I done?”

There I was, having let go of the _one real thing I’ve ever known_ all this time.

But, I was too much of a fool.  
“Goodbye, Monsieur Kim.”  
And I will remember it _**all too well**_ for the rest of my life.

**

**_Early Summer of 2017:_ **  
**_Chiang Mai, Thailand_ **

After barely having moved on from the tragedy that hit me like a damn 10-wheeler truck in 2015, they said time could heal. But for my case, time just became a burden. Losing her took a real toll on me. She was everything to me but I guess life is indeed unfair to everyone, myself included. With my mental and emotional state in a mess, I had decided it was time for me to take a real break from the spotlight and fame in the meantime.

Manager hyung, the members, and the label agreed because they could obviously tell that I needed to find myself again. Because it still feels like I’ve lost my other half even if it had already been some time since then.

So I traveled. I left Seoul. I wanted to start afresh even if it wasn’t easy. I know that nothing was going to change if I didn’t take the first step to moving on.

And I found myself in _Thailand_ now. A place with so much culture and history.

All the while I thought I was only traveling to run away from my memories of her but for a short while that changed one certain day.

“Wow, there are a lot of elephants here. They all look so healthy and happy,”  
I found myself at an elephant nature park that day. Elephants were very intriguing to me and I read on a nature guide that these precious animals are considered important symbols to Thailand’s culture.  
“Yes Mr. Kim, they sure are. Even if Thailand is a place where we consider these gentle creatures as sacred, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t targets for mistreatment and unethical practices to make money out of, especially towards tourists like yourself.”  
The world was indeed a hateful place even for animals like them.  
“I see. That kind of mentality really is disappointing.”  
The park guide then introduced me to one of the many amazing volunteers who was to show me around even more.  
“So Mr. Kim, it’s your first time here and in Thailand right?”  
“It’s my first time at an elephant nature park but no it’s not my first time here in Thailand.”  
“Ah, is that so? Well then, you’re going to enjoy your visit here today.”  
We then roamed around the river where the elephants were. Some were being bathed, some were being fed, and some of the tourists were even playing with them.  
“Are we allowed to play with them sir?”  
“Of course Mr. Kim, the nature park is strictly against with using them for tricks and human entertainment purposes, but we do promote the tourists to have a first hand experience in interacting with an elephant.”  
“Wow.”  
It was amazing. I might have traveled all over the world due to my idol status and everything, but it does have a different feeling when you’re seeing the place with your own two eyes without all the glitz and spotlight, it made my chest warm and fuzzy.  
“Come over here, Mr. Kim. We’re going to meet your lucky friend now!”  
For some reason, her voice suddenly passed by my thoughts going,  
_“Joonie, wow! This place is amazing! Aren’t they adorable? Imagine being able to hug one!”_  
“She would’ve loved this place indeed.”  
I said to myself forcing out a smile before I followed the volunteer.

“Mr. Kim, meet Bubbles. She’s almost 3 years old.”  
To think I’d meet and see a baby elephant up close. It was hard to believe at first especially when she was just looking at me in silence as she waved her trunk around.  
“Hello Bubbles, you have a very pretty name. It’s very nice to meet you.”  
I tried to extend my hand slowly towards her so she wouldn’t be freaked out by my sudden actions. Before I knew it, her trunk reached for my hand and we ended up exchanging friendly handshakes.  
“A handshake using her trunk huh?”  
“Wow, you’re pretty good at this Mr. Kim. Bubbles doesn’t usually get this attached to someone easily. When most elephants let you touch their trunks, that means you’ve earned their trust.”  
My eyes couldn’t stop shaking and I could feel my chest’s pounding grow louder at what was happening. It was beautiful. It was breathtaking. It was unforgettable. It was beyond my wildest imagination.  
“Thank you Bubbles. Let’s be friends from now on okay?”  
Bubbles just made a cute roaring sound through her trunk. My cheeks quickly couldn’t help but smile so widely.  
“You’re getting the hang of it, Mr. Kim. Bubbles, do you want this handsome man to help give you a bath now?”  
For some reason, Bubbles roared again but it was even louder this time as she nodded her head, wagged her tail, and her elephant ears started flapping.  
“I’ll do my best for you then Bubbles!”

As the volunteer guided me through how to give Bubbles a bath or an elephant in general, it was exhilarating and a real learning experience. I wouldn’t have dreamt of doing this even when I didn’t go on a break.  
“Do you like that then Bubbles?”  
I asked her while scrubbing gently the back of her ears with a long brush. She just nodded with a passing roar. Before I knew it, she took some water from the bucket I was holding with her trunk and squirted me with water.  
“H-Hey Bubbles! W-What are you doing hey!?”  
Now it ended up as we gave each other a sudden bath. As I was soaking wet from head to toe because of what Bubbles playfully did, I was about to grab a towel from my bag when,  
“Here. You might need this.”  
An unfamiliar female voice then echoed my hearing. Looking up, she just gave me a quite amused smile behind her _beguiling gray eyes_ while handing me an extra shirt and towel. Who was she?

“A-Ah, thank you um?”  
As I was about to ask her name, she then glanced at Bubbles asking her with a slight chuckle,  
“Bubbles, don’t tell me you got your new friend wet even when he was nice enough to give you your weekly bath?”  
Recognizing the woman’s voice, Bubbles roared playfully as if she was laughing.  
“Don’t worry, if Bubble’s got you wet on the first meeting, that means she has a big crush on you.”  
She said to me with a giggle. I was about to ask again but then,  
“Um, can I ask y—-?”  
“Ah! Miss Keira, you’re finally here?”  
Keira? Is that her name? As the volunteer called out to her, she nodded saying,  
“Yeah, I was roaming around for a short while and noticed that Bubbles suddenly decided to give her new fond friend-crush a nice bath too on their first meeting.”  
She glanced at me for a second as she had said that. She seems to be really amused at me for some reason.  
“Oh no, Mr. Kim. Are you alright?”  
The volunteer asked me worriedly. Draping the towel over my still wet hair, I just nodded with a soft laugh telling him,  
“Yeah, I’m okay. No worries. I was just surprised too, that’s all.”  
“It’s really rare for Bubbles to be this playful with someone she just met.”  
The woman named Keira then remarked lastly before she walked away from the scene,  
“It’s obvious that Bubbles has a crush on Mr. Kim? I’ll excuse myself for now, I’ll check up on the rest of the crew.”  
“Thank you Miss Keira!”

After changing my shirt and drying myself off a little, I still couldn’t help but think about that woman just now. I heard her voice from a distance as she was with two elephants who were also around the same size as Bubbles.  
“Mr. Kim, is something wrong?”  
The volunteer caught me staring that I couldn’t help but ask,  
“A-Ah no, everything’s okay. But can I ask? That woman who was with us just now, her name was Keira right?”  
Following my gaze, he nodded and explained,  
“Yes Mr. Kim, she’s Miss Keira. A loyal visitor of our nature park. She’s been spending a lot of her free time to come and visit since she’s also one of the major donors for our programs.”  
Wow.  
“She is?”  
He nodded and continued on.  
“Yes. She’s also a professional photographer too Mr. Kim, but I heard she’s on break too from her career at the moment just like you are. You two share some kind of similarity in situations.”  
Now that was surprising information. If she’s a major donor to this place, she’s no ordinary woman. But the more I look at her from a distance, why did it feel like there’s more to her than meets the eye?  
_“Joonie?”_  
Nevertheless, there was only one voice that then echoed my head reminding me that even no matter how much I look at another woman, I still see her reflection no matter what.

_A few days later..._

“So, Namjoon hyung how’s Thailand?”  
“Well, I got to meet and play with and bathe a baby elephant which was really amazing.”  
I was on the phone with one of the members, Taehyung. He was the only one who didn’t have a schedule today and said he missed me, that’s why he wanted to call.  
“Uwah~ I’m jealous. So? So? What else?”  
“Hmm... nothing much really, why? You’re not the type to call Taehyung-ah if you’re not going to ask me for anything though?”  
“Ah, busted.”  
I knew it. With a sigh, I just asked him,  
“Okay, what’s the real reason you called me then?”  
“Well, since you’re in Thailand and all...”  
“Uh-huh... I’m listening,”  
What Taehyung then asked on the other line made my eyes go wide.  
“Hyung, this favor isn’t much but there’s an exhibit I want you to go to...”  
“An exhibit?”  
“Uh-huh. It so happens that you’re coincidentally in Thailand with one of my favorite photographers and I want you to go their exhibit! Please! Please! Pleaseeeeeeee?”  
Taehyung and his love for photography really... well, to be honest, I really had no better thing to do so I couldn’t reluctantly refuse him. Especially when he’s using his adorable voice like that again.  
“Fine. You’re lucky I really like you, Taehyung-ah.”  
He cheered loudly from the other line saying,  
“Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you Namjoon hyung! I owe you~”  
I couldn’t help but chuckle at his usual reaction whenever he manages to convince me to do what he wants. Being a hyung and leader can be really... demanding sometimes. But,  
“Don’t worry. I do owe you and the guys for a lot... especially with everything that happened.”  
“Hyung...”  
Just the memory of how the six of them had to cheer me up and make me feel encouraged since what happened 2 years ago, I just closed my eyes and stopped my head from recalling the past and told him,  
“So, where is exactly the exhibit I’m going to go to? And when?”  
“Oh right! It’s today... oh, it’s happening right now!”  
I flinched at the sudden change of schedule.  
“W-What?! Then text me now where I should go so I can get going already!”  
“Ah sure, sure hyung! Thank you again~”  
After hanging up the call, I then received the address and directions to where I should go. Taking my wallet along with my phone and eyeglasses, I then went on my way.

I wouldn’t have expected the person I’d be seeing an hour later.

**  
_**Early Summer of 2017  
Chiang Mai, Thailand:**_

“Thank you for coming.”  
As a familiar voice then echoed my ears, my eyes couldn’t stop shaking the moment I arrive at the address of the exhibit where Taehyung asked me to go to and found a not-so stranger to me bidding a tourist goodbye.  
“ _Daylight_ : an exhibit? By Miss Keira?”  
So the volunteer at the nature park wasn’t lying then. The woman I met with the pair of gray eyes was the photographer Taehyung was talking about.  
_“This is why they say, the world indeed is such a small place huh?”_  
I thought to myself before I entered the door and found her staring so sadly at one of the photos displayed.  
“I wonder if I’m still cut out to be a photographer...”  
Her voice echoed the mini art studio. I followed her line of sight from a few steps behind and couldn’t help but wonder why she was saying something like that when one look at the photo she’s heavily weighing over was...beautiful?  
“I think it’s a beautiful photo.”  
Did my mouth open just now? Damn it. On cue, she turned around and was surprised to see me. I hope she doesn’t think I’m some sort of stalker or anything weird like that.  
_*thump* *thump*  
“Shit, why did I have to open my big mouth?”_  
“Mr. Kim? What a surprise?”  
She still recognized me? And calling me Mr. Kim really? What an odd woman.  
“You didn’t expect to see someone like me then?”  
She nodded honestly with a confused smile written on her face.  
“A little? How did you even find this place?”  
“Let’s just say I had a little detour...”  
“Okay then...?”  
The two of us just fell into a hearty laugh from the awkwardness of the conversation.  
“Since you’re here already, would you like to see the rest of the photos?”  
“If it’s okay with you then, Miss Keira.”  
She looked at me blinking when I then mentioned her name.  
“You know my name?”  
Right. She wasn’t around when I asked the nature park’s volunteer about who she was when I met her that time.  
“Yes. One of the volunteers from the nature park a few days ago had mentioned your name to me.”  
“Oh really? Well I guess that’s that then, Mr. Kim.”  
Even if she was calling me something so formal, why did it make me feel like we’ve known each other for a long time? Is it because of her sociable nature? She was intriguing.  
“Um, Miss Keira?”  
“Yes?”  
I couldn’t help but then ask her curiously,  
“Where did you take this photo?”  
The mysterious woman named Keira then explained to me that it was from the topmost view of the _Eiffel Tower_ in Paris. She added that she has seen the view since she was a little girl.  
“You’re from _Paris_ then?”  
She nodded and gazed at the photo with such a softened expression in her gray eyes.  
“Yes.”  
For some reason, her gray eyes slowly turned brown in my vision that I had to snap myself out from remembering that one girl in my memories.  
_“Joonie, I wonder what it would feel like to see the whole world huh?”  
“Shit, not this again...”_  
“Your English is very good actually, Miss Keira.”  
Trying to distract myself from my eerie thoughts, I then continued my questions for the woman standing beside me.  
“You too, Mr Kim. As you would expect from the leader of **BTS** himself.”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
She just flashed a small grin at me as I could only stare at her dumbfounded and a bit amused how she just caught me off guard like that.  
“I got caught red handed then.”  
“Of course, your _dimples_ gave you away along with your English skills.”  
My dimples huh? That’s the first one I’ve heard in a while. I couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle too at her witty response.  
“As you would expect from a famous photographer like yourself.”  
Shaking her hands shyly, she just said,  
“No, no. I’m nowhere near your level, Mr. Kim. Please, I doubt anybody wouldn’t recognize who you are.”  
Her reactions were really interesting that I can’t stop myself from smiling.  
“Don’t you know that I came here because one of our members, Kim Taehyung, really likes your photos?”  
“Wow, now that sure is an honor...”  
She looked at me wide-eyed. Then, she pointed out,  
“Ah, so that’s why you came here then? Because of him?”  
I couldn’t lie to her for a weird reason.  
“Honestly, yes. He really wanted me to come here so imagine how much he’s going to react when I tell him I came here at last.”  
With a chuckle, she then suggested to me,  
“It’s good to be honest, Mr. Kim. I think I have extra photos in my portfolio, will you give it to him for me then?”  
I was relieved that the person Taehyung idolizes is a nice person in real life. She didn’t come off snobbish or haughty, instead she was the exact opposite of that.  
“He’d be delighted with that, Miss Keira.”  
She then looked at me with a slightly puzzled expression.  
“Did I say something wrong?”  
“No, it’s just I find it a bit weird if you keep calling me Miss Keira so formally...”  
I then pointed out to her,  
“Well my name is Kim Namjoon, so you can stop calling me formally. Mr. Kim is formal too, you know.”  
She just smiled as if she understood my point.  
“I see. So, you’re Namjoon-ssi, then? Well, I’ll introduce myself again properly this time. _Bonjour_ , it’s nice to meet you, I’m Keira.”  
So she knows the basic Korean honorifics too huh? She’s making herself more mysterious through my eyes by the second. When I reached out to shake her hand, I couldn’t help but tell my inner thoughts first before telling her,  
_“Why does it feel like there’s more to you than meets the eye, Keira-ssi?”_  
“I’m Kim Namjoon, but you can call me Namjoon. It’s nice to meet you too, Keira-ssi.”

And with just a simple handshake, the normal break I thought I would be having in this foreign place didn’t turn out to be such a normal one after all.

It was only the _innocent beginning_.  
**

_**Early Summer of 2017:  
Pattaya City, Thailand** _

_A week later..._  
“So this is the famous floating market huh?”  
“Yes, I usually come here every time I’m here in Thailand.”  
It’s been a week since I met Keira. Ever since that exhibit of hers, we’ve been in contact with each other and spent more time getting to know one another. She was somehow a breath of fresh air. She was a good distraction from all the pain I’m hiding. I still couldn’t understand how easily I was getting close to her even though of the walls I’ve formed around me.  
“Can I have one, auntie?”  
We were now roaming around the _Pattaya floating market_ in Thailand. She knew her way around Thailand as if she was a local.  
“Here you go, Namjoon-ssi.”  
“Ah, thank you.”  
She could even speak a bit of Thai herself that it wasn’t hard for her to communicate and make locals like her in a snap.  
_“Who are you really, Keira-ssi?”_  
I lost count how many times I asked my head that one question every time I look at those ever _mysterious_ gray eyes of hers. My heart still belonged to one girl but it wouldn’t hurt to have a distraction right?  
_“I sound like a damn jerk with that tone of mine...”_  
“Namjoon-ssi? Is something wrong?”  
“No, no. I’m okay.”  
She just chuckled and told me,  
“Fine. But don’t slow down unless you want to get lost and get mobbed by fans who can recognize you?”  
Her smart mouth was really something else, but I didn’t mind it. Somewhat, it’s one of the reasons why I still remain curious over this woman in front of me.  
“I get it, I get it.”

She was a photographer in every sense. We paused more than a few times from roaming around just so she can take shots of the scenery and not to mention,  
“1, 2, 3... smile, Namjoon-ssi!”  
“Hey...!”  
Keira would take random shots of me without even telling me. However, she’d then come up to me and ask for my opinion of her photos. It was no doubt she was a pro at what she does.  
“What do you think?”  
“Of course it’s a great shot. You’re a pro all right.”  
Her expression would turn to a grim one for a few seconds before she’d just smile back at me saying,  
“Okay then... well, let’s get going.”  
Did I say something uncomfortable? One second, she comes off as a social butterfly and the next second, she seems to shut off her real expressions with just her eyes.  
_“Joonie, are you okay?”_  
Another girl’s voice would then echo my head and I could only shut it off too. I guess the two of us have secrets of our own too one way or another.

 _A little while later..._  
“So this is the _3D Art in Paradise_ museum?”  
“I’ve always wanted to come here! My photographer friends back home would tell me I had to go here when I’m in Thailand, but this is my first time to come here.”  
We were now in one of the famous museums here in Thailand. I feel at home the second I step into a museum. But at the same time...  
_“Joonie, look! Look! There’s a new exhibit at the museum!”_  
Forbidden thoughts would then linger inside my head. I swore to myself that I’ll have to move on soon, but why is it so damn hard?  
“This place is really beautiful...”  
When I then gaze at Keira’s calming smile, it’s as if my problems weren’t that important in a place like this.  
“You’re right.”  
“I guess museums have this kind of effect huh? You would know a lot about it since you love museums and all too.”  
My lips couldn’t help but form to a smile in return at whatever was coming out of her mouth.  
“You’re absolutely right there, Keira-ssi.”

“Keira-ssi?”  
She was taking photos of the 3D elephant paintings with a childlike glimmer in her eyes until she turned to look at me when I called out her name.  
“Hmm? What is it, Namjoon-ssi?”  
The more I look at those eyes, my curiosity just grows.  
“Why do I get the strange feeling that you’re _Korean_ just like I am?”  
Keira just blinked at me before she fell to a hearty laugh telling me,  
“That’s because I am _Korean_ , Namjoon-ssi.”  
Now that was something I half expected and half didn’t expect too.  
“Really? But?”  
“But I can speak English so well? And know Korean even though I’m from Paris? Well, I’m _half-French and half-Korean_ after all,”  
She then resumed taking photos of the paintings while continuing to explain to me,  
“My mother is French while my father is Korean. Father moved to France to study in becoming a patissier, he met my mother who was an upcoming journalist in one of the contests he had won back then and she was the one who interviewed him. And so... the rest was history.”  
It was the first time I’m hearing her open up about herself so honestly to me as if she told me about her _past thinking there was a future_ with us together. I don’t know why I was thinking like that, yet I couldn’t take my eyes off of her for a moment.  
“What a plot twist then... no wonder you don’t have a problem with communication.”  
“Silly. Before I took up photography as my career, I was in love with languages. Father taught me Korean of course, but I also fell in love with English. And I also love learning a bit of the language in the countries I travel to.”  
Wow. How can she easily open about that to someone she had only met in a week?  
“You don’t hesitate to share so much about yourself to someone you just met huh?”  
I asked her on cue. She just shrugged and pointed out with a grin,  
“I wouldn’t carelessly share everything about myself to anyone. For some reason, it’s just easy for me to tell you. Weird, right?”  
_*thump*_  
This woman really... she’s both predictable and unpredictable. I couldn’t help but feel shy at how she seemed to overpower me through her words, and words are supposed to be my strong suit.  
“You not only have a way with photos, but also with words, Keira-ssi.”  
“A way with photos huh?”  
There it is again. That sadden look in her gray eyes every time I mention her photos.  
“Keira-ssi? Do you hate it when I ask you about your photos?”  
She just caught my gaze and said with a soft sigh,  
“It’s the opposite actually.”  
“What?”  
“Let’s just say that every time someone tells me how my photos are great lately, I can’t seem to agree with myself regarding that what I took is great or not anymore.”  
Then that explains why she looked so conflicted when she was looking at the photo she took by the _Eiffel Tower_ back when we met.  
_“Can’t seem to agree with herself huh?”  
“You and her have same situations I guess, Mr. Kim.”_  
I then recalled what the volunteer at the nature park had mentioned too. Maybe he had a real point. We may walk different ways of life but it doesn’t mean we can’t have the same situations in life. Maybe this is the reason why I felt an odd connection to her.  
_“Joonie!”_  
“I get that feeling a lot ever since too, Keira-ssi.”  
Keira raised her eyebrows in disbelief of my words as she then pointed her camera’s lens to me saying,  
“Really? Even the famous leader of **BTS** can feel lost then?”  
She had no idea. However, I couldn’t hold myself back anymore because maybe her sincere honesty might have touched a nerve within me that I then told her,  
“I’ve been lost since 2015. I’ve been lost since I lost the love of my life. I’ve been lost since she died.”  
Keira could only slowly put down her camera with her eyes shaking in pure shock of the sudden bombardment of my not-so light news.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
“That’s why I understand that feeling _all too well._ ”  
I don’t deserve her honesty, but if I could be real honest, I wanted to return her honesty at the very least.

Before I knew it, I was filled by her warmth the next moment that I could only close my eyes and let her embrace me in her short, but strong arms.

**  
_A few days later..._

“Oh Hope-ah, how are you guys?”  
“We should be the one asking you that, Namjoon-ah.”  
I was on video call with Hoseok, one of the members, this time around.  
“What is that supposed to mean?”  
“Well, Taehyung saw some interesting photos on a blog...”  
Ah shit. Don’t tell me...  
_“It couldn’t be her blog right? She did mention she had a blog where she uploads her photos and all...”_  
“A blog?”  
Hoseok could only laugh teasingly through my phone screen.  
“Namjoon-ah, I’m glad you’re doing much better.”  
“Hope-ah, it isn’t like that at all...”  
“Is she pretty?”  
I knew where this conversation was going. I could only shake my head and tell him,  
“Whatever you’re thinking right now, it isn’t like that okay? She’s just showing me around, that’s all.”  
He sighed and pointed out,  
“Namjoon-ah, not to burst your bubble and all, but it’s okay to be taking steps in _moving on_. You can’t possibly blame yourself the whole time. Maybe there’s an important reason why you met someone like her.”  
“Jeez Hope-ah, don’t tell me there were photos of me in the blog that Taehyung-ah told you about?”  
Hoseok laughed again telling me,  
“No, not at all. But judging from the places you’ve been telling us about, all of them are also coincidentally in her blog too.”  
Well, I guess there’s nothing bad with that then. She is a photographer after all. Who am I to tell her what she should post or not?  
_“Maybe I should check her blog too just to be sure...”_  
“Hope-ah, is it okay if I only see her as a distraction? Damn, that sounds so much like I’m using her for my own personal motives.”  
“A distraction only huh? Are you sure Namjoon-ah?”  
When Hoseok out of the blue asked that, my thoughts then remembered what happened at the museum a few days ago.  
_“You can tell me anything from now on, Namjoon-ssi. Okay?”  
“Why did she have to say something like that?”_  
“I don’t know Hoseok-ah. She’s a breath of fresh air that came so unexpectedly. She makes me forget the pain I keep suppressing. Isn’t that what a distraction is like?”  
It took a few seconds of silence before Hoseok could say his reply.  
“It’s been a long while since you’ve talked about another woman aside from her, Namjoon-ah. See where I’m going with this now?”  
Since Hoseok and I are practically the same age and all, and he’s one of my closest among the members, he could easily see through and understand my words.  
“Shit, do I deserve to feel confused like this now, Hoseok-ah?”  
“It just shows you’re human, Namjoon-ah. I just hope you don’t take advantage of the person’s kindness or it’s not going to end up prettily.”  
He was right. Ever since meeting Keira, I’ve been slowly getting myself closer to moving on from what had happened. Ever since she listened to everything I had to say, it felt like I could open up anything to her. I don’t know how she does that, but Hoseok was right... I couldn’t take advantage of her kindness like that.  
_“Joonie, don’t be so hard on yourself, okay?”_  
“Don’t worry Hope-ah, let’s just hope I won’t cross that boundary anytime soon.”  
Hopefully, I’ll keep my word. I shouldn’t let my personal feelings get out of hand between Keira and I. No matter what.

Yet, Hoseok’s right. I was only human in the end. I didn’t realize the day where I’ll be tested for my slowly growing feelings towards one woman would come.

Very soon.  
**

_**End of Summer of 2017  
Phuket, Thailand** _

I don’t know how we both found ourselves at the beautiful paradise that was _Phuket_ , but when Keira suggested we go here together, I couldn’t refuse her. I don’t know if this was the right thing especially if she was only meant to be a distraction for me, but... when she looks at me with those _dazzling gray eyes_ of hers, she had me wrapped around her fingers.

And the most _taboo_ thing then came to reality one certain night.

“Uwah! The night sky here in Phuket is really beautiful huh, Namjoon-ssi?”  
She pointed like a child at the stars flooding the night sky as we were now drinking together by a beach side bar with the most magnificent view of the sea.  
“Yes, yes. I get it. And I see you’re also drunk now, Keira-ssi.”  
We were on our second bottle of red wine already so I wouldn’t be surprised why she was already turning red and spouting whatever that comes to her head. Keira just gave me a glare saying,  
“Hmph! I am not drunk okay?! You’re such a spoilsport Namjoon-ssi~”  
But even if in her tipsy state, I couldn’t help but feel lightheaded and laugh like a kid at her reactions.  
“Fine, whatever you say then. Now come back here or else you’ll trip into something or someone,”  
Completely ignoring me, she stood up from our seats and made her way towards the beach.  
“Hmph~ no, I feel hot at the moment so I need to dip myself into the water~”  
“H-Hey Keira-ssi...!”  
Having no choice, I had to follow her even though I was also getting tipsy myself but of course, I was way better at handling alcohol than her.

“Even the summer breeze feels so nice to my skin... haaaa... this is paradise...!”  
I just watched her spinning around as she kept her feet steady enough to continue walking towards the sea. It was as if the moonlight was shining directly for her as a spotlight through my eyes.  
_*thump*  
“Joonie, the sea is so beautiful right?”  
“Don’t you dare think about her now, Namjoon... please, not now...”_  
As a familiar pair of _haunting light brown eyes_ appeared inside my head, I had to snap myself out quickly before I start to remember the pain all over again.  
“Namjoon-ssi...! Look! Look! It’s as if the moon is being reflected on the sea~”  
Her voice then snapped me out just in time as her playful gray eyes then peeked at my face with a laugh.  
“K-Keira-ssi...”  
“Hmph, why are you frowning huh? Just give me that handsome smile of yours with the dimples! That suits you so much better~”  
I could only blink in surprise at the words that then came out of her mouth. Was she this honest even when she’s drunk?  
“Heh... so you think I’m handsome then?”  
I tried to tease her since she won’t probably remember the crazy things she’s been doing and saying by tomorrow and I’ll have something to use against her.  
“Obviously~ who wouldn’t? You’re tall? You’re handsome? You’re smart? You have dimples? You can rap~ you can dance~ Hmm~ the full package indeed~”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
Shit. I almost flushed at what she was saying with such a cute smile written all over her face being illuminated under the night sky.  
“K-Keira-ssi, do you have any idea what you’re saying right now?”  
She shook her head and said head on, placing both of her hands on her hips,  
“O-Of course! J-Just because you still have someone else in your heart now doesn’t mean I can’t shut off my budding feelings for you...!”  
“S-Shit... Keira-ssi...”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
Keira just proved to me right here, right now that she was brutally honest when she’s drunk and that she could leave someone like me this speechless. Her cheery smile then turned to a face with tears streaming down her eyes.  
“I... I... I don’t know anymore... I just feel like my heart is being squeezed whenever you’re with me Namjoon-ssi... I... I like you... t-that’s why,”  
“Keira-ssi...!”  
As she was about to finish her next words, she was also about to fall unconsciously on the sand. Being quick on my feet, I managed to catch her and hold her in my arms just in time.  
“Damn it, you’re too tipsy Keira-ssi...”  
“Hehe~ no, I’m okay... I just wanted to tell you that... even though I know you won’t feel the same as I do...”  
_*thump*_  
Shit. How is she able to grab hold of my attention ever since? It’s only been more than a month since I’ve known her, but it feels like I’ve known her for a long time. The way she was so straightforward with her feelings just now... it almost tore down the heavy walls I built for myself so I wouldn’t get hurt again. But,  
“K-Keira-ssi, what are you doing to me?”  
We just stared at each other in silence under the witness of the night sky, the summer moon, the stars, and the sea as she placed her warm, right hand on my cheek saying with a smile and the last of her tears falling down her cheeks,  
“I don’t know myself Namjoon-ssi... but I just can’t seem to keep myself away from you...”  
Unknowingly, I held her hand on my cheek with my left one and just told her with my eyes almost watering too from what was happening right now,  
“D-Damn, you really like tearing down my walls one by one huh?”

“W-What was she like, Namjoon-ssi?”  
Keira’s soft voice echoed in my ears as I was carrying her on my back to our hotel.  
“What was she like huh?”  
That was the first time she had asked me about that person ever since I’ve told her about my past. Yet, I didn’t feel uncomfortable when she had asked me. It was quite the opposite.  
_“Joonie, I don’t want to see you anymore...”_  
“She was a stubborn girl. Shy during the first meeting but when you get close to her, she opens her heart to you completely. She was far smarter than I could ever be. She was... she was everything to me.”  
I could almost feel the tears forming around the corners of my eyes while I was remembering that one girl. But then, I felt Keira’s arms wrapped around my neck tighten as she then said,  
“Y-You must have really loved her then... you can cry if you want to, I... I won’t mind...”  
For some reason, her words made me smile as I just looked up at the night sky while small tears streamed down my face.  
“Y-Your honesty is really something else, Keira-ssi...”  
“Hmm~ I can’t help it especially when you have that sad look in your eyes every time, Namjoon-ssi...”  
_“Joonie, don’t cry for me anymore.”_  
As both of their voices overlapped inside my head, I could only pat the head of the woman I’m carrying on my back because even with the haunting echoes of the past, she was here. And that mattered to me. A whole lot.  
“T-Thank you Keira-ssi... and... I’m sorry too...”

 _A little while later..._  
“Hmm~ Namjoon-ssi?”  
“Go back to sleep, Keira-ssi.”  
As I finally placed her gently on the bed to her room, Keira’s eyelids were slowly opening as if realizing she wasn’t on my back anymore.  
“I should get going then.”  
After I covered her with the bed sheets, I stopped on cue when I felt her tugging on to my shirt.  
“Keira-ssi?”  
“C-Can you get my camera for me?”  
Her camera? What is she thinking when she should be sleeping to sober herself up?  
“And you should be sleeping.”  
“P-Please... Namjoon-ssi...”  
Ah shit, when her gray eyes turn sadden like that, I couldn’t just say no. With a sigh, I just said,  
“Fine. But after that, you go back to sleep. Got it?”  
As she nodded, I then grabbed her beloved camera which was sitting on top of the coffee table near the glass windows.  
“You really treasure your camera even when you’re too drunk huh?”  
“Open it...”  
I wonder what she’s thinking? Following what she said, I turned the camera on and was led straight to the gallery. My eyes then couldn’t stop shaking and my heartbeat quickened like an idiot at what I then saw.  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“K-Keira-ssi... this is...”  
She just gave me a sheepish smile and said,  
“I’m sorry if I didn’t tell you... but I couldn’t stop myself from taking photos of you...”  
In her camera’s gallery were photos of not only the places we’ve been to together for the past month, but also there were a lot of stolen photos of me that I didn’t even notice she took. Even if they were stolen photos, they were absolutely stunning.  
“W-Why do you keep doing this to me Keira-ssi?”  
Why does she keep barging into my heart like this so easily?  
“I... I don’t know... but my gaze seems to always follow you ever since Namjoon-ssi... weird, right?”  
She says to me while I find myself sitting right beside on the corner of her bed holding her camera on my lap and my gaze just focusing on her.  
“K-Keira-ssi...”  
As my right hand reaches out to touch and caress her ever warm cheeks, she just looks straight at me with those ever so _honest gray eyes_ of hers while tiny teardrops drop down her face saying,  
“I like you... I really do... even though it’s wrong of me to do so... Namjoon-ssi...”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“Ah shit...”  
Before I knew it, I placed down her camera on the nightstand beside the bed and moved my face closer to hers and made both of our lips touch for the first time.

“A-aah... N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
When my lips touched hers, it was unlike any other feeling I’ve felt before. Her cherry lips were a strange perfect fit with mine, soft and delicate. Even the taste of the wine we both had was still there.  
“S-Shit Keira-ssi...”  
She then took off the blanket covering her as I then moved to lie down beside her, not taking our lips away from each other’s for even a second.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
“Sssh, just let me kiss your beautiful lips.”  
Her cheeks just continued to flush rosy pink from my sudden whisper in her right ear, that her earlobe instantly flinched at my hot breath.  
“Y-Yes please...”  
“Open your mouth for me, baby.”  
As Keira then wrapped her arms around my neck, I pulled her closer to my side and gained entrance to her tongue with mine. It was electrifying as I kissed her more deeply, more passionately. I don’t know if it was the alcohol getting to the both of us, but we didn’t give a damn about it because at this very moment, nothing else seemed to matter. Nothing rational mattered.  
“H-Haaaa... m-mmm... N-Namjoon-ssi...!”  
“D-Damn Keira-ssi...!”  
She moaned the second my lips traced her heavily sweating neckline, especially on the back of her hairline which I can still smell the scent of her shampoo too.  
“N-Not there please...”  
“God, this could be bad...”  
I couldn’t stop my lips from tracing every little part of her face and neck. It didn’t help too that her pantings echoed my ears.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi... I... I...”  
As our eyes met, both _brown and gray eyes_ , her facial expression turned me on so much that I couldn’t resist her any longer if she kept on looking at me like that.  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“N-Namjoon-ssi, I.. I feel hot...”  
“Fuck,”  
Without second thoughts, my hands then traced inside of her dress and her delicately sweating skin I couldn’t stop from caressing that she could only squirm and moan in pleasure.  
“Baby, you’re sweating so much already...”  
“M-Mmm... N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
I kissed Keira again on her lips every time she whispered my name so softly with her panting voice, we may be drunk and all but it didn’t stop me from wanting to hear her voice so much more.  
“I’m going to make you feel good baby.”  
“A-Aaaah... W-Wait...”  
Without even asking for her permission, I unhooked her bra swiftly and started caressing and massaging her breasts that fit amazingly within my hands.  
“S-Shit Keira-ssi, y-you feel so good...”  
“H-Haaaa... h-aaaaa... N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
Even my breathing was going heavier at where things were escalating. She then whispered to me after kissing me,  
“T-Take off my dress, please...”  
I listened without any complaints. I could only stare in awe at her almost bare body that was sweating from every corner because of my touch.  
“G-God, you’re breathtaking...”  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
I monopolized her lips passionately on repeat as my left hand then reached inside of her lace underwear.  
“A-aaah...! N-Namjoon-ssi...!”  
When I massaged and inserted two of my fingers inside of her most sensual part, her moan turned to a pleasured shriek as she tightened her arms wrapped around my neck.  
“F-Fuck! No wonder you’re sweating so hard baby girl... you’re this wet already...”  
As I roamed my fingers inside of her, her breathing turned hoarse so fast as she and her body whimpered in reaction. It turned me on again.  
“F-Fuck... N-Namjoon-ssi...!”  
“S-Should I go faster my love?”  
She nodded even if it felt like the whole room was spinning because of our body heat and her moaning.  
“Y-Yes...”  
“Your wish is my command then...”  
“A-Aaaah...!”  
It was _wrong_. It was wrong how much her heavy pantings and hoarse moans were making me excited and were music to my ears, but there’s no going back anymore. If I’m going to sin, I’m going to sin passionately with this woman in my arms.  
“Louder baby...! I’m the only one who can hear you...”  
“Haaaa... haaaa... N-Namjoon-ssi, please... I... I need you...”  
As our eyes locked contact with each other, I couldn’t help but feel smitten at her glorious reactions.  
“Let’s take the next step then baby.”  
“S-Shit...!”  
Her hips curled the moment I removed my fingers inside of her and took off her panties all together. I then traced my fingers on her lips down to her chest and pecked her on the exact same places.  
“M-Mmm... N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
“F-Fuck, you taste even sweeter now Keira-ssi...”  
As if our lips were sucking life from each other, she kept on caressing her hands on my back and hair as I kept on exploring her with my lips having reached every part of her body that were visible to me.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi, let me touch you... please...”  
I moved on top of her before I let her undress me, from my shirt to my shorts and to my underwear. Looking straight into her _sensuous gray eyes_ , I then asked her in a low voice,  
“Are you sure you want this, baby?”  
Even if she was still tipsy, especially with what we’re doing now, Keira cupped both of her small hands on my still sweating cheeks with a soft smile forming on her lips and said,  
“Yes... I... I need you Kim Namjoon-ssi...”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
Shit. At that very moment, I could only see her. I couldn’t care less about the past. It was just me and her. The things she makes me feel left me speechless as ever even if it was _forbidden_ to feel in the first place.  
“Damn... who knew you were such an innocent little minx...”  
As our tongues found each other for the countless time, I let her hands play and pull onto my hair as I then split both of her legs apart.  
“H-Haaaa... N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
“I’m going to make you feel the utmost best baby, are you ready?”  
She nodded and without further ado, I entered inside of her that it made both of us scream in intense pleasure.  
“F-Fuck N-Namjoon-ssi...!”  
“S-Shit Keira-ssi, I didn’t know you were this tight... Fuck!”  
As I started the pace slow, I continued communicating with her lips the minute she was about to scream again. Yet, she didn’t hesitate to bite me in return when I get too forceful.  
“M-Mmm... N-Namjoon-ssi...! D-Don’t stop...!”  
“Does it feel good baby?”  
She nodded as her head leaned back and her body whimpered over and over again.  
“Damn... you feel so good...!”  
“A-aaah...! A-aaah...! F-Faster...!”  
I did what I was told as our hoarse pantings for each other continued on. When I finally maintained the pace of my thrusts inside of her, I could feel the room spin around as well. God, this woman was really fascinating.  
“D-Don’t stop screaming for me baby...!”  
“F-Fuck... h-haaaa... h-aaaaa... N-Namjoon-ssi...!”  
As our bodies were perfectly harmonizing with each other, I then took off her hands on my hair and pinned them both to the bed sheets as I then kissed her on the lips saying,  
“Call me Joon baby girl...”  
“J-Joon... I’m... I’m about to...”  
“Very good baby, let’s cum together...”  
Claiming our lips together again, I moved faster and faster that I couldn’t stop even if Keira’s passionate screaming echoed the room over and over on repeat.  
“J-Joon...! F-Fuck...! P-Please...!”  
“I’m almost there my love... s-shit... you just feel so right...!”  
“A-aaaah...! N-Namjoon-ah...!”

When we reached the _climax_ , my head on cue fell to her chest as we both started to catch up on our still heavy breathings. Her heartbeat was going so fast as I then caressed her hips and kissed her chest realizing how she just had just called me informally at the very end.  
“God, you’re beautiful Keira.”  
“Mmmm... N-Namjoon-ah...”  
As I peeked at her face, she was still sweating so much with her eyes closed from our intense sexual activity not to mention... she might still be feeling a bit off from the alcohol.  
“Sleep, I’ll be right back.”  
When I was about to head to the bathroom, she pulled my right hand in time even if her eyes were only half open as she whispered,  
“D-Don’t go... please...”  
_*thump*_  
Fuck. She sounded like a siren that I couldn’t say no to. With a sigh, I just covered her with the bed’s blanket and scooted right beside her.  
“Okay, okay. I won’t. So, sleep baby.”  
I planted a gentle kiss on top of her forehead as I pulled her bare body closer to mine.  
“N-Namjoon-ah... I...”  
She was about to say something before she completely dozed off to sleep. Looking at her serene, peaceful face made even the wrong things, right. I don’t know what the consequences will be after what we did, but I don’t regret it. Not even that _girl’s light brown eyes_ could make me guilty for some reason.  
_“Shit... there’s really no going back anymore but...”_  
But, I’m still far from moving on. That wasn’t something I could ever deny.

Nevertheless, now that I’ve had a taste of this woman with the _gray eyes_ , I don’t know what lies ahead anymore.

**  
_The next day:_

After our first long night together, Keira woke up completely out of it at first until she realized she and I were naked and embracing each other.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi?!”  
“Ssh, it’s still too early. Let’s sleep for a few more minutes.”  
“J-Jeez!”  
As I didn’t release her from my embrace, she would just groan in annoyance since I was avoiding any mention of what happened between us.  
“I-I can’t believe we did that last night... oh my god... what have I done?! What else did I say last night?!”  
Wanting to tease her because of her very amusing facial expressions, I just told her with a slight chuckle,  
“Well, if you should really know... you confessed to me that you liked me and that you needed me and that you—-?”  
“Ah! Ah! Enough! This is why I don’t get drunk... especially...”  
She then caught my gaze on cue.  
“Especially?”  
“N-Nothing...! I just think it’s dangerous of me to get drunk with you, Namjoon-ssi... look what happens...”  
With a sigh, I just moved my face closer to hers and flashed a grin at her that it made her eyes shake in surprise.  
“That’s not what you were screaming last night though...”  
“Ugh! Stop it! You’re unfair...! Using your handsome face like that... and your dimples too are making it twice as unfair...”  
She tried to cutely hide her face in embarrassment from me. Damn, I can’t even decide whether what’s more interesting about Keira, her sober or her not-so sober self.  
“Shit, don’t make me take you on this bed again this early in the morning.”  
“Jeez! I’ve had enough of this conversation... I’m going to the bathroom!”  
Turning a bit red, she was about to escape from the now creaking bed as she then pointed out to me with a pout,  
“Just for the record, even though I was drunk and all...! This bed wasn’t creaking until yesterday... did you... did you do something?!”  
Now that she mentioned it, every time we move on the bed now, it would start creaking for a weird reason. And then,  
“Ah, it might be because of our...?”  
“Sheesh! Don’t finish that sentence already!”  
I couldn’t help but laugh like a kid at her priceless reactions. Even my view of her where the early morning sunshine is making her bare skin glow in the sunlight being reflected from the glass windows, it made my heart almost skip a beat. Almost.  
_*thump*_  
“Shit...”  
Memories of last night then started to echo inside my head, even her screams and moans were still lingering as I just looked straight at her from head to toe.  
“W-Why are you looking at me like that, Namjoon-ssi?”  
“Is there something wrong with looking at someone I want to?”  
“J-Jeez... weirdo...”  
She was then snapped out from her flustered face when her phone on the coffee table beeped.  
“Hmm?”  
Keira’s eyes then turned wide at what she read on her phone.  
“Is something wrong?”  
“A-Ah, it’s nothing.”  
“Keira-ssi, you’re not very good at lying. What is it?”  
For some reason, I couldn’t help but feel curious what was making her uneasy at the moment.  
“It’s just... I forgot to reschedule my plane ticket back to Paris... so...”  
“So that means you have no tentative schedule when you’re going back then?”  
She nodded worriedly. Keira did mention to me a few weeks ago that she still had no idea how she’s going to jumpstart her career again if she goes back to Paris. I know it was a long shot but I didn’t hesitate to ask her next,  
“Then, how about you come back to _Seoul_ with me?”  
She gave me a very appalled expression as if she was hearing things.  
“W-What? Come back to Seoul with you?”  
Sitting up on the bed, I then grabbed my phone and scrolled one of the pages I bookmarked in my saved websites.  
“ _BigHit_ is mass hiring at the moment because of the tour coming soon.”  
“Mass hiring? Then you mean?”  
I nodded and continued to explain to her,  
“Yes, exactly what I mean. Why don’t you try applying for the photographer position for the tour at the company?”  
“Really? You think so?”  
With a smile, I then moved closer to the end of the bed and pulled her back to the bed with me which made her stunned of course.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi?!”  
As much as I don’t want to involve her more with my life, the thought of not seeing her again slightly made me a bit anxious too... because of her, I’m slowly going back to my old self as I blocked any painful memories of the past from echoing my head. It was only possible because she was with me.  
_“Call me selfish but I just can’t let this woman go... not especially I’ve broken the one thing I’ve already sworn to myself I’ll never do ever since meeting her, last night...”_  
“Come back to Seoul with me, Keira.”  
Her eyes softened at what I had to say to her. With a sigh, she then asked me,  
“Are you sure about that? I don’t want to get in a company especially if you’re going to get me an easy pass if you tell them I’m someone you know and all...”  
That is what she’s worried about? A chuckle then came out from my mouth as I just caressed the left side of her cheeks telling her,  
“So you want to be accepted because of your ability and not because I can get you in? You are one intriguing woman, Keira.”  
“Of course...! I still have my pride as a professional after all!”  
Kissing the top of her nose, which automatically made her flinch, I just told her,  
“Fine. With your talent, I doubt the company wouldn’t hire you.”  
“I’ll risk it then, since...”  
Her face all of a sudden turned shy.  
“Since?”  
Keira then looked seriously at me with those gray eyes of hers and said,  
“Since I don’t want to be apart from you as well... I’ll risk it, Namjoon-ssi.”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
This woman really... I was about to move my face closer to hers when out of the blue,  
_*ring* *ring*_  
“Um... aren’t you going to answer that?”  
“No. I have better things to do right now.”  
However, the ringing of my phone wouldn’t stop that it made me a bit annoyed and Keira amused.  
“I think you should pick up, it might be important?”  
“You’re one lucky woman. I’ll be right back.”  
I just kissed her on the forehead and grabbed my phone to answer the call while getting off the bed.

“Hello?”  
Without even bothering to check the caller ID, I just answered it.  
“Oh! You finally answered Namjoon-ah!”  
There could only be one owner of this loud voice on the other line. I couldn’t help but chuckle.  
“Nice to hear from you Seokjin hyung, but if it ain’t important, I’m hanging u—?”  
“Hey! Why am I suddenly unimportant huh? For the past weeks, we’ve been the one calling to check up on you and not the other way around... is something going on with you?”  
Shit. Did Hoseok or Taehyung tell the rest of the members?  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“A-Ah, I’ve just been busy lately that’s all hyung, really.”  
“Hmm? Is that so huh? Are you sure it isn’t because you’re busy canoodling with a woman right now?”  
Damn it. Where is the conversation suddenly going?  
“D-Don’t be silly hyung... you’re imagining things...”  
Even my laugh sounded so forced that it was getting obvious I was hiding something.  
“If that’s what you’re saying then. I just hope you know what you’re doing Namjoon-ah.”  
“Jin hyung...”  
With a sigh, he then finally told me the real reason for his call that my eyes couldn’t help but shake too of what he just dropped on me.  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“W-What?”  
“Namjoon-ah, I don’t know if you’re ready or not, but... we need you to come back soon. Like real soon. The boys and I can’t face the fans without you.”  
After our not-so short conversation, I hanged up the call first before going back to where she was.  
“Keira-ssi...”  
“Ah! Namjoon-ssi, I looked up a travel blog online and read that the sunset view in another part of the beach is even more beautiful! We should go see it later!”  
_“Joonie, look! The sunset looks so pretty!”_  
My mind unconsciously remembered another painful memory again.  
“That sounds something like she would say... okay then, we’ll go later.”  
Keira just gave me a wry smile as I realized the impact of my words a little too late.  
_“Shit...”_  
“Keira-ssi, about what I just said...”  
Feigning a smile, she just shook her head and told me,  
“Uh-uh. Don’t worry about me. If you want to talk about her, you can Namjoon-ssi. I don’t mind. She’s still important after all, right?”  
I then sat next to her on the bed and wrapped her around my embrace tightly. I don’t know if it was guilt I was feeling exactly at that moment, but I just couldn’t stand watching her fake a smile at me like that just now.  
_“I’ll risk it... if it means I can stay by your side, Namjoon-ssi.”  
“I really don’t deserve you, Keira. But... I just can’t let you go yet...”_  
I thought pathetically to myself as we just hugged each other in silence with the morning sunlight as our sole witness.

**  
_Late afternoon of the same day:_

We spent the rest of the day together, but it felt like we were closer maybe because of what happened last night... we were so touchy feely with each other. She didn’t reject my touch and I didn’t reject hers as well.  
“Oh, what are you looking for Namjoon-ssi?”  
“Ah right, every time I’m at the beach or just by any body of water, I always find myself looking for small crabs.”  
Keira just giggled at what I had to say and would get down on her knees too and look for them together with me.  
_“Joonie, they’re so small!”_  
But sometimes, I can’t escape that one girl’s haunting voice.  
“Here’s one, Namjoon-ssi.”  
“Really? That was fast.”  
Still, those thoughts quickly evaporate when I look at Keira’s gray eyes.  
_*thump*  
“Ha... I wonder why I’m feeling like this every time we’re alone now...”_  
My mind asked passingly.  
“Ah~ that’s ticklish little one...!”  
“You’re not uncomfortable with holding them?”  
She shook her head in disapproval saying,  
“No, not really. It’s more fascinating than frightening for me.”  
_“They’re so cute Joonie, but you hold them. I’ll just watch you instead.”_  
I had to keep reminding myself that Keira and that girl are different. Really different in a lot of ways.  
“I see...”  
“I guess she didn’t like holding them then?”  
It was amazing how Keira easily understood me without even telling her.  
“How’d you know?”  
“Just a smart guess. _I may be a fool, but I’m no idiot_ Namjoon-ssi.”  
And yes sometimes, Keira’s words were piercingly honest to a fault even behind that calm smile of hers.

We watched the sunset together as she would keep telling me how much she loves sunsets and the feelings it just gives off.  
“You’re such a sentimental woman, aren’t you Keira?”  
“You have to be sentimental when you’re a photographer, Namjoon-ssi.”  
As we listened to the sea’s serene waves and continued to admire the red sunset as if it came out of a 3D painting, I just wrapped my arms around her small waist from behind and kissed her on her exposed shoulders.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
“You’re so sensitive.”  
As our eyes found each other’s gaze on cue, I just kissed her with the sunset view watching over us from above. We were in our own little paradise for a few more days, so I didn’t hesitate to scoop her into my arms and made us both wet as I carried her to the sea.

Keira to be honest was a really stunning woman. From _her gorgeous pair of gray eyes, her silky hair that was just not too long and not too short which fitted her like a tee, her glowing face under the sunset’s light, her smile that was a breath of fresh air every time I look at it, everything about her was mysterious_ just as her photos were. Something imaginary but underneath everything was someone real.  
“J-Jeez! Namjoon-ssi! Put me down...!”  
Not to mention, the way her expressions can change so much in a matter of seconds. It just made my curiosity for her grow day by day.  
“No way, we’re just getting started.”  
As I laid her down next to the sand in between two huge rocks by a far end at the beach where it was only just the two of us, even if our bodies were still dripping wet from playing at the sea, her warmth was the only thing I could feel the next minutes ahead.  
“I-I can’t believe you’re real...”  
The unexpected words coming from her lips would literally make me go silent and look at her in awe.  
“Just because I’m an idol and all doesn’t mean I’m not real.”  
She’d just laugh at my weird replies before we fall into silence again staring straight into each other’s reflection through our eyes.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“Keira, let’s give this relationship a try. Let’s give ‘ _us_ ’ a try.”  
Her eyes turned wide and started shaking on cue of what suddenly came out of my mouth. I don’t know why I had said that, but I just didn’t care anymore. My heart won instead of my head for the time being.  
“A-Are you sure? I’m...”  
“Don’t you even dare question if you’re enough because you are, Keira.”  
Tears then streamed down her eyes that almost glistened under the red orange colored sky as she just replied next with a nod,  
“I’ll be in your care from now on, Kim Namjoon-ssi.”  
“Keira...”  
Without even hesitating, I removed both of her warm hands on my cheeks and moved my face closer to hers and kissed her on the lips.

Before we both knew it, the kisses led to something even more passionate as I made love to her as my clear response to her saying ‘ _yes_ ’ under the sunset sky gazing over at us along with the sea’s waves that covered up our screaming and loud panting all together.

“ _I... I love you_ Namjoon-ssi...”  
Those simple words were more than enough to confuse and make me restless right after what happened. I could only kiss her forehead as my reply paired with my silence.

Because genuinely, I couldn’t easily say those three words back to her. I don’t think I’ll ever deserve to say it, especially with what Hoseok was trying to warn me before.  
_“Namjoon-ah, I just hope you don’t take advantage of her kindness... because it won’t end up prettily.”  
“If she was willing to risk this relationship with me, I’ll risk it too...”_  
I just hope too that this won’t come to bite me in the back at the very end.

**  
**_Late Summer of 2017:  
Seoul, South Korea_**

“Good thing I was the one who held onto your passport, I cannot believe all the articles written about you losing and breaking stuff are true...”  
When we finally arrived in _Seoul_ , Keira decided to rent a car because she had a license and all while I didn’t. It felt weird having her take care of me even though we’re of the same age.  
“You’re exaggerating, Keira. Come on, we have somewhere important to go now.”  
“I hope you know what we’re doing is gonna be a big risk, Namjoon-ssi.”  
Today was the day where I go back to the agency and the day where she’s also going to be interviewed for the job after I helped her submit her online application a few days before we came back to Seoul together.  
“Don’t worry so much, you’re going to do amazing.”  
I grabbed her free hand that wasn’t on the steering wheel and pressed a kiss on it which quickly made her flush and grumble saying,  
“If you say so then, but can you not kiss me so suddenly when I’m trying to drive? It’s distracting, sheesh.”  
“Oh sorry. Am I distracting you so much?”  
“Very much, ever since back in Thailand. Now please, let me drive properly.”  
I don’t know if there were any hidden context when she told me I was distracting her since we were in _Thailand_ , but I just let it be because I too only saw her in that way even if we were in a relationship at the moment. Of course, I couldn’t tell her that.

 _*ring* *ring*_  
During the drive, my phone then started ringing. Keira just kept her eyes steady on the road as I answered the call.  
“Hello?”  
“Namjoon-ah, we heard from manager hyung you’re back in Seoul already?!”  
“Oh welcome back hyung!”  
“We missed you!”  
It was Seokjin hyung’s voice I first heard before Jimin and Jungkook’s voices also inserted on the other line.  
“Hey! I’m on the phone, sheesh!”  
A laugh then came out of my mouth at how our eldest hyung had to scold two of the maknaes again.  
“Yep, I’m heading to the agency right now.”  
“Huh? But you can’t drive though? And manager hyung is still here at the agency? How are you...?”  
Uh oh. This is bad. I completely forgot the most important part at the moment. My worried gaze then caught Keira’s gray eyes as she whispered without any sound _‘hang up before you get exposed!’_  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“Ah, don’t worry about it hyung. I’ll explain everything when I’m back. B-Bye for now!”  
“Hey Kim Namjoon! Don’t you dare hang up the c—-?!”  
Having no choice left, I had to hang up the call abruptly that Keira couldn’t stop herself from laughing.  
“That was rather rude of you, Namjoon-ssi? To hang up a call from your hyung.”  
“Ah hush. Don’t even start, Keira.”  
“Fine~”  
I was still deciding whether I should tell the guys or not about the woman beside me, especially with what Seokjin and Hoseok have been telling me since back then. But... I just couldn’t hide anything from the members, because I know I’ll end up spilling it at one point or another.  
“Are you afraid that they won’t accept what we have, Namjoon-ssi?”  
Keira’s tone then all of a sudden turned worried too.  
“Keira...”  
“Or are you ashamed of telling them about us?”  
I didn’t think that behind her usual smiles and laugh, she was just as worried as I was about what’s going to happen to us starting today.  
“It isn’t like that at all, Keira. Why would I be ashamed of our relationship?”  
She shrugged quickly before glancing at me as she then stopped the car when we reached a stoplight.  
“Because they would know if I’m just a rebound to you after what happened in your past? I just get that feeling in my guts.”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
Keira’s words stung a little. Maybe because it was partly true. Or maybe not? I didn’t know how to answer her. I just told her instead,  
“You’re nothing like her, okay love? Don’t you ever think like that again, please...”  
Starting the car up again when the stoplight turned green, she just gave me the first wry smile I’ve ever seen in her face the whole time we were together.  
“Whatever you say then, Namjoon-ssi.”  
The rest of the drive, both of us kept our silence. And it was not the comfortable kind but the eerie kind.

When we arrived at the agency, we were then greeted by our group’s manager.  
“Finally, you’re back Namjoon-ssi. It’s really nice to have you back.”  
“Thanks manager hyung. Sorry for all the trouble while I wasn’t around.”  
“Oh don’t worry about it.”  
His gaze then went straight to the woman standing a few steps behind me.  
“Namjoon-ssi, is she...?”  
I nodded and told him while following his gaze,  
“Yes, she is hyung. Is it okay if you meet her then?”  
Manager just smiled with a nod. As I then caught Keira’s gaze, I then took her by the hand and told her,  
“Keira, I’m going to introduce you to someone.”  
“B-But...”  
Still hesitant of where the scenario was going, I just gripped tightly onto her hand and said,  
“Trust me, it’s going to be okay.”  
“Okay...”  
She was feeling a bit nervous when manager looked at her so seriously in silence.  
“H-Hyung, say something, just don’t stare at her like that because you’re making her more nervous that she already is.”  
“Ah sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude. It’s just I didn’t think the moment Namjoon-ssi would come back, he’d bring back such a pretty companion.”  
Keira almost felt shy at what he had to say that I could only shake my head in disbelief of what he was spouting.  
“Hyung really...”  
Snapping back to herself, Keira then politely bowed and finally introduced herself.  
“Hello, my name is Keira. It’s nice to meet you.”  
“Don’t be so formal with me, Keira-ssi. I won’t bite. I’m just **BTS** ’ manager, that’s all.”  
“H-Hyung...!”  
She just chuckled at the weird remarks our manager had to say which was a bit relieving because it didn’t feel like she was nervous anymore.  
“So, it seems your scheduled interview with the president is in a few minutes. Come with me, I’ll take you to him now.”  
“Namjoon-ssi...”  
Grabbing both of her hands as she then turned to me, I just held them tightly with mine to reassure her and kissed her on the forehead telling her,  
“You’ll be fine. I know the president is going to like you and you’re going to ace that interview.”  
“I-I’ll do my best then!”  
As her spirited self came back, she and our manager boarded the elevator together as I waved them goodbye for the time being.

Before I then knew it,  
“Heh... the moment you come back, you’re kissing a woman in front of our manager hyung?”  
“Maybe I should go on break too so I can find myself a woman as well?”  
“She was indeed pretty too, you’re a sneak Namjoon-ah.”  
Three familiar voices then came up to me on cue that I could only blink when I saw them.  
“S-Seokjin hyung, Yoongi hyung, Hoseok-ah...?!”  
“Welcome back leader-nim.”  
“It’s been a while huh?”  
“Finally you’re back.”  
The three of them just grinned teasingly at me before giving me a warm and welcoming hug one by one.  
“So I don’t have to ask you three saw that then just now?”  
They gave each other suspicious looks as Hoseok then said,  
“Obviously. Who knew you were that sweet hmm?”  
Shit, the fact that they saw that made me embarrassed as hell. It didn’t help too that they can use it to tease me nonstop from this point on.  
“I-It isn’t like that, jeez...”  
“Look he’s going red Seokjin hyung, Yoongi hyung.”  
Yoongi then asked me,  
“It looks like you’re finally going to be okay now huh?”  
The four of us then turned silent at his sudden question. I just scratched the back of my head awkwardly and said,  
“I guess... I need to be okay now, it’s been years already too.”  
They exchanged worried sighs next as Seokjin said with his arms crossed,  
“Just because you’ve found someone Namjoon-ah doesn’t mean you can just easily forget the past as if it never happened.”  
“Seokjin hyung...”  
“That isn’t what _moving on_ is supposed to mean, Namjoon-ah.”  
“Yoongi hyung...”  
“I just hope you remember what I had told you on the phone back then, Namjoon-ah.”  
“Hoseok-ah...”  
I understand what they were trying to say, but I just told them,  
“Don’t worry guys, I know moving on won’t come easy. But, at least now... I’ll slowly get there with her.”  
That was the only truthful thing I could tell them right that very second.

“Here you go, Taehyung-ah. What I had promised you,”  
“N-Namjoon hyung... t-this is...?!”  
The rest of them then gathered at my private little studio room in the building, except for Jimin and Jungkook who were nowhere to be seen, as I then handed over the signed photo to Taehyung which was from Keira herself. His eyes couldn’t stop shaking in pure shock.  
“A-A signed photo from Miss Keira’s exhibit?! How did you get this hyung?! She never gives out her photos at her exhibits?!”  
Hoseok couldn’t help but laugh saying in an amused manner,  
“Let’s just say both of them are very close now, Taehyung-ah.”  
“What?”  
I almost shot him a glare at what he had just said with his usual big mouth.  
_“That Jung Hoseok and his mouth sometimes...”_  
“Don’t mind what he said just now, Taehyung-ah.”  
“So? So? Did you meet Miss Keira?! What was she like?! Tell me! Tell me Namjoon hyung!”  
The way he was so excitedly curious about Keira made me hesitant whether what I should tell him next.  
“Taehyung-ah, there’s something I need to tell you...”  
And then out of the blue,  
“Taehyung-ah!”  
“Hyungs!”  
The two members who weren’t around then came barging in through the door with wide eyes.  
“Hey! Where have the two of you been huh?!”  
Seokjin on cue scolded the two for appearing out of nowhere. Jimin and Jungkook then just said excitedly,  
“You guys won’t believe it, but it seems our company president is talking to someone famous in his office right now!”  
“Yeah! Manager hyung was also found standing outside of his office too!”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
Seokjin, Yoongi, and Hoseok looked straight at me next after hearing what the two had to say.  
_“T-These two are really sneaky when it comes to finding out things like these...”_  
I thought worriedly to myself. Yoongi then told them,  
“You two are overly curious youngsters huh? We shouldn’t be minding the business of our boss.”  
Nice save there Yoongi. However, the two completely ignored what he had to say as they both then said,  
“We heard some of the stylist noona’s mentioning that it was a woman...?”  
“And not just any woman too? She’s like the person Taehyung-ah is always talking about?”  
Taehyung’s eyes turned wide too that as soon as he understood quickly what they were trying to say, he made a run for it before any one of us could stop him.  
“Hey!”  
“Taehyung-ah!”  
As the rest of the members tried to chase him, I could only sigh deeply to myself as Hoseok then patted me on the shoulder saying,  
“This day keeps getting more interesting huh, Namjoon-ah. Let’s go before something else happens.”  
I just nodded and thought tiredly to myself,  
_“This is going to be one long day...”_

 _A short while later..._  
“So, Keira-ssi, can I please see your portfolio then?”  
“Yes, please do Mr. President.”  
“You’re one formal woman, Keira-ssi.”  
As all seven of us were standing outside of our boss’ office, Taehyung couldn’t believe what he was hearing as he then turned to our manager asking,  
“Hyung! Why is Miss Keira in there with _Bang PD-nim_?!”  
Our manager just pointed out to him,  
“If you’re gonna be loud, we won’t be able to hear their conversation in there anymore Taehyung-ssi.”  
That immediately made Taehyung’s mouth zipped in a snap as the rest of us continued to overhear the conversation happening inside our boss’ office.  
_*thump* *thump*_  
_“Keira... it looks like you’re gonna be just fine.”_  
“Namjoon-ah, so the person who drove you here from the airport was her then?”  
Seokjin moved to stand beside me and whispered so it was only me who could hear him.  
“You and Hoseok-ah seem to be the only ones who keep asking me questions about her, Seokjin hyung. I don’t know if Yoongi hyung knows though.”  
“That’s because it’s becoming obvious to us, Namjoon-ah. The way you kissed her forehead back there wasn’t a friendly kiss you give to ‘ _just a stranger or friend_ ’ simply.”  
With a sigh, I just crossed my arms and confessed to the eldest hyung,  
“Seokjin hyung, I know you guys are worried and all... but, I... I just can’t let her go... not yet...”  
“Namjoon-ah...”  
And then out of the blue,  
“Keira-ssi, I’m not a photography expert but your photos are really impressive. However...”  
Uh oh. Why did the boss have a hesitant tone in his voice right now?  
“But what, Mr. President?”  
“Aren’t you from Paris, Keira-ssi? Are you sure about taking this job? I’ll be a fool for not hiring someone as talented as you, but are you willing to settle down here in Seoul for the meantime as the tour will start in a few weeks?”  
Keira without hesitation replied,  
“Yes, I am very much sure Mr. President. Taking this job was a huge risk on my part too... but... I feel like this is going to open up my eyes to a new perspective and not to mention...”  
“Not to mention?”  
The next words that then came out of one woman’s mouth made my heartbeat quicken as she said,  
“I don’t want to be apart from someone I’ve considered important to me lately.”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
_“Keira...”_  
On cue, Seokjin, Yoongi, and Hoseok shot a glance at me. Taehyung meanwhile,  
“W-What? Someone she considers important lately?”  
He looked so innocently confused of where the conversation was going while Jimin and Jungkook just shrugged too not knowing a thing as well.  
“Keira-ssi, not to be rude and personal, but are you seeing someone from this agency? That’s why you’re willing to take on this job?”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
Shit. This was bad. I wonder what kind of face she was making right at this very moment.  
_“Damn it... Keira, don’t be too honest just for once please.”_  
“If I say _yes_ , Mr. President, what’s your verdict going to be?”  
“What?!”  
Taehyung exclaimed with a wide eyed expression, along with both Jimin and Jungkook who looked at each other in surprise too. While the rest just steadied their gazes at me still.  
_*thump* *thump*  
“Guys... really... stop looking at me like that all of you...”_  
“I’m not against workplace romance or anything Keira-ssi, but with all due respect, I’m now questioning your sincerity whether you want this job just because of your personal relationships or do you really want to expand your career?”  
I couldn’t just stand here anymore. Before I knew it, my feet then took me straight to the door that not even the voices of the members and our manager could stop me.  
“Hey Namjoon-ssi...!”  
“Namjoon hyung?!”  
“Namjoon-ah...!”  
I knocked on the door for three times asking before I entered his office,  
“Bang PD-nim, can I come in please?”

As soon as I went inside and closed the door behind me, Keira couldn’t stop looking at me in disbelief as she said with _her gray eyes_ shaking in shock of where the scenario was going,  
“Namjoon-ssi...?”  
“Oh, Namjoon-ah, come in, come in. Are you two acquainted? It’s rare of you to come barging into my office. I guess there’s a first time for everything really.”  
_Bang Si Hyuk_ wasn’t the big boss of the label for nothing. He just observed my reactions as I then clenched both of my hands into fists and took a deep breath before confessing,  
“Bang PD-nim, Keira-ssi here is not my acquaintance, but I can tell you she’s very talented at what she does and she deserves the job very much. And also... she’s the woman I’m currently seeing.”  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
As soon as I dropped that news, the whole room turned quiet... and not to mention, there weren’t noises coming from outside of his office right then and there.

 _An hour later..._  
After being in our boss’ office for almost an hour and having a very long talk over what had happened, the moment Keira and I step out of the door together,  
“I... I really can’t believe Miss Keira is... here... herself... right in front of my very eyes...”  
Taehyung quickly broke the silence as he stared in awe at the woman right beside me. Seokjin and Hoseok then followed suit.  
“So we finally get to meet the famous Miss Keira that Taehyung-ah never shuts up about and,”  
“And is the same woman who captured the heart of our leader-nim too.”  
Keira felt nervous all over again when all of the members stared curiously at her.  
“H-Hey guys, give her some space.”  
But then as I was about to come in front of her, she grabbed me by my right arm and shook her head saying,  
“No, it’s okay Namjoon-ssi.”  
“Keira-ssi...”  
Keira then took a deep breath to herself before she bowed formally to the rest of the members and said with a smile,  
“ _Bonjour_ **BTS** members, my name is Keira. I came here unannounced but, I can’t wait to work with you guys soon on tour. Please take care of me from here on out.”  
She glanced at me as I patted her on the back for her sudden bravery at the moment that it made the rest of the members blink in surprise. Most especially one guy.  
“A-Am I dreaming...? D-Did Miss Keira herself just say... she’s going to be working with us... from now on...? Manager hyung...?”  
Taehyung turned to our manager still stunned of what he had heard with his own two ears that Jimin and Jungkook could only sigh as they both popped him out of his dazed bubble saying,  
“Hey Taehyung-ah, stop daydreaming.”  
“She’s really here you know, you aren’t asleep. None of us are.”  
Keira and I immediately flinched when he then peeked closer at her face and took both of her hands saying excitedly like a child,  
“Miss Keira...! It’s amazing to finally meet you...! I really, really love your photos...! Y-You’re so good at what you do...!”  
“T-Thank you Taehyung-ssi, that’s really an honor for you to say.”  
He just continued to stare into her gray eyes in silence that the rest of the members couldn’t help but chuckle while I had to snap him out of his daze again before he does something unpredictable.  
“T-Taehyung-ah, you can let go of her hands now?”  
“Miss Keira knows my name? Namjoon hyung, she knows my name!”  
Keira also couldn’t stop herself from letting out a slight laugh because of his reaction as she said,  
“I doubt anybody wouldn’t know who you are Taehyung-ssi and the rest of the members too, of course.”  
“M-Miss Keira...”  
“Okay, okay. That’s enough Taehyung-ah.”  
I finally managed to take his hands off that were tightly holding on to Keira’s that Yoongi had to say,  
“Taehyung-ah, you’re really something else for holding on to her hands while Namjoon-ah is standing right beside her.”  
Realizing what Yoongi had to say, Taehyung just laughed it off awkwardly while scratching the back of his head and faced me saying,  
“A-Ah, sorry Namjoon hyung. I was just overly excited really... but to think you’re in a relationship with Miss Keira, it’s still sinking in.”  
“It’s okay Taehyung-ah.”  
Jimin and Jungkook then inserted,  
“We were really worried when you all of a sudden barged into the boss’ office like that hyung,”  
“But you were really manly for stepping in there and telling the boss about your relationship.”  
Remembering it, I felt a bit embarrassed. I wouldn’t have expected it myself that I’d do something like that.  
“L-Let’s not talk about it anymore, please. It’s embarrassing enough.”  
All of them just chuckled at my expression as Seokjin and Hoseok then said to Keira,  
“Well, Keira-ssi, it’s going to be a pleasure to work with you starting today.”  
“If you have any concerns, especially with the tall guy standing beside you, don’t hesitate to come up to us.”  
“Don’t give her any weird ideas, Hope-ah.”  
Keira just nodded happily as she bowed formally one more time and told the guys,  
“It’s nice meeting you for real, Seokjin _oppa_ , Yoongi _oppa_ , Hoseok-ssi, Jimin-ssi, Taehyung-ssi, and Jungkook-ssi.”  
All six of them just smiled back at her as my eyes couldn’t stop gazing at her gray ones as if they were relieved of how everything turned out for today.

 _A week later..._  
As Keira settled in a spare room at the agency where she could stay for the time being before the tour is scheduled to start, nothing changed about our relationship even if the guys knew, not to mention our manager and the label’s boss also knew about us. So since the important people knew, there wasn’t any point left in hiding our relationship. Although, we were discreet about it so there won’t be unnecessary gossip spreading around. In other words, we would just meet with each other secretly oftentimes.  
“So for the next schedule today, you’re gonna be doing your first photoshoot for the tour theme with Keira-ssi.”  
“Really?! Being shot by Miss Keira herself?! How did I get so lucky...?”  
With the tour preparations ongoing, it was not new news to us to be in a photoshoot but it sure was something else to hear that it was one woman herself who was going to be behind the camera. Taehyung was the most ecstatic one among us, of course.  
“You’re really a fanboy when it comes to Keira noona, Taehyung-ah.”  
“We’re gonna finally see the work that made our Taehyung-ah an avid fanboy and even made our very own Namjoon-ah attracted to her as well.”  
Even after the truth of our relationship got revealed, the members would nonstop tease me about her, most especially Seokjin and Hoseok.  
_*thump*_  
“Sheesh, you have no mercy even though we’re all supposed to be the closest bro’s.”  
“More of a reason why they keep teasing you, Namjoon-ah.”  
“Yoongi hyung’s right Namjoon hyung.”  
Yoongi and Jimin pointed out that I could only sigh before I noticed my phone’s screen lighting up.  
_*beep*_  
The moment I looked at the new message I received, my lips just turned to a smile because of the sender.  
_Keira: be at the set by half an hour, sharp. I don’t like latecomers. :)_  
I then typed my reply,  
_Namjoon: got it, mademoiselle. you’re suddenly bossy huh?_  
It didn’t even take 30 seconds before her response came that it made me chuckle.  
_Keira: not really... I’m just excited to get to shoot with you guys finally! I haven’t felt this excited since my last exhibit! Thank you for this really, Namjoon-ssi. And I can’t wait to see you too soon... :)_  
“Heh, who knew you two were so cheesy even in texts now?”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
I just flinched in surprise when Hoseok then peeked at my phone from behind me.  
“H-Hey Hope-ah! Don’t be a snoop!”  
“Oh, what did you see Hoseok hyung?!”  
Jimin asked curiously that I could only cover my face slightly ashamed.  
“Just our Namjoonie being cute and everything with his girlfriend. And to think they practically pass by each other every day here in the building as if they don’t know each other too!”  
“Really though... please don’t mention mushy stuff especially when it’s about Namjoon hyung and Miss Keira... I still have to get my eyes used to him goggling my photography role model like a sneak.”  
Everyone laughed at what Taehyung out of the blue spilled from his usual sharp mouth, except me obviously.  
“Taehyung-ah, you really have no mercy too when it comes to being honest. Weren’t you the one who indirectly made us meet though?”  
“Haaaa... don’t even remind me Namjoon hyung. Though I wouldn’t have expected you and her to be a thing.”  
Neither did I, to be honest. What would have happened if Taehyung didn’t call me that day? What if I didn’t reluctantly found myself stepping into her exhibit that same day? What would have happened then?  
“The feeling’s mutual, Taehyung-ah.”  
“Well at least, Namjoon hyung’s happier now.”  
Jungkook’s last sentence then echoed my head. Am I happier then? _Do I deserve to be happy after everything?_ Ever since coming back to Seoul, I haven’t had haunting memories lingering inside my head lately. Was this a good sign?  
“It’s too early to tell for now Jungkook-ah, but yeah... I feel a bit better at present.”  
They all just patted me on the back before we went our way for our next schedule.

**  
_**Autumn of 2017:  
Seoul, South Korea**_

As the seasons changed, Keira was shining more brightly on her new job. She made friends here and there, especially new fans of her photography work too. Most especially, the rest of the members were on much friendlier terms with her already in such a short time.

In between the breaks during rehearsals for the tour, the two of us would disappear to an empty room. We would have our secret moments where Keira and I could be just intimate and kiss and hug each other with no else knowing except for only us. We were like rebellious teenagers who were hiding and dating against our parents’ wishes. It was thrilling altogether especially when she turns so informal with me when it’s just the two of us.  
“H-Haaaa... h-aaaa... J-Joon... s-someone’s being so impatient today...”  
“Sssh baby... we only have half an hour before we go back, let’s make the most of it, okay?”  
For me, everything seemed like it was looking up and things were heading in the right direction.

Yet, those weren’t the only things that started to change.

“Namjoon-ssi?”  
I was in my studio room composing when I then heard a familiar voice coming from outside the door.  
“In here, Keira-ssi.”  
“I’m coming in then, excuse my intrusion.”  
As Keira entered my studio room, she couldn’t help but look around in awe, even if this wasn’t her first time to come in here.  
“Sorry for disturbing you all of a sudden Namjoon-ssi.”  
“No worries, I was just trying to finish a bit of the lyrics on a song I’m currently working on.”  
Again, the two of us would find ourselves meeting secretly more often nowadays because of our relationship, but it seems Keira didn’t seem to mind it since she would just tell me she loved the mystery and thrill of a secret romance. It was the day before the first 2-nights concert in Seoul was about to start. So apart from the hectic rehearsals, we had not much of free time to see each other because Keira was also just as swamped with work being the head photographer for the tour and all.  
“You’re still working even in between your rehearsals, huh?”  
She peeked down at my notes that I just chuckled and blocked her view from snooping into my writings with my body standing right in front of her that she then remarked,  
“Using your tall height to your advantage again, hm?”  
“I can’t let you easily see how I work my magic Keira, especially not knowing when I’ll get a stolen photo of me again through that camera of yours.”  
She playfully pouted as I then leaned my back onto my studio’s work table while wrapping my arms around her small waist and pulled her closer to my side next which made her eyes grow wide as she looked up at me asking,  
“N-Namjoon-ssi, what do you think you’re doing huh?”  
“Why? It’s been a while since the two of us were finally alone together when we’re both so busy.”  
Feeling Keira’s warmth and her scent so up-close, there were a lot of taboo thoughts looming inside my head that very instant.  
“Hmm... someone seems tired to me though? You should get rest as much as you can, Namjoon-ssi. You and the boys have a big day starting tomorrow, and we can’t have the great leader of **BTS** lack in sleep.”  
Pecking her lips for a short second, Keira just flinched in surprise and hit me on the chest.  
“H-Hey! Stop that.”  
“Sorry, I couldn’t help it when you look at me like that, your _gray eyes_ are very tempting.”  
Poking my dimple, she just said to me next,  
“Jeez, enough of the cheesiness Namjoon-ssi or else I won’t give you your present~”  
_*thump*_  
Now it was my turn to be surprised.  
“My present?”  
Gently loosening my grip around her waist, Keira just nodded excitedly and walked off to the sofa and grabbed two boxes that were hiding from behind it that I hadn’t noticed until now.  
“Those boxes were yours?”  
“Yes. I’m glad you didn’t realize it until now.”  
She put down the boxes and opened them one by one. I was curious of what she had meant presents, but then it all just dawns on me.  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“Keira... are those presents for?”  
“Looks like someone almost forgot that it’s their birthday tomorrow?”  
Keira then handed over two beautifully wrapped packages to me. One was wrapped up in a pale blue gift wrapper. And the other was heavier than the first one and was delicately put in a box wrapped up in purple gift wrapper.  
“I know I’m early but... I wanted to be the first one to greet you, _Happy Birthday_ Kim Namjoon-ssi!”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“Keira...”  
As I held not only one, but two birthday presents from her, I could only keep blinking at her in disbelief.  
“You’re really...”  
“Jeez, don’t get all sappy with me before you open them, Namjoon-ssi.”  
Giving up, I placed down the heavier box on my table and decided to open the one in the pale blue wrapper first. As I opened it, Keira just focused her gray gaze eagerly waiting for my reaction.  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“T-This is...”  
It was the book I was telling her about while we were flying back to Seoul together. It was scheduled to be released around next week and it’s written by one of my favorite authors.  
“H-How did you even get this? It’s supposed to be scheduled for release next week.”  
Keira just giggled at my reaction and said,  
“Hmm... let’s just say I pulled a few strings. But you haven’t opened up the best part too. Turn to the cover page.”  
I did what she told me and was even more baffled at what I then saw.  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“K-Keira...”  
“I hope you love it.”  
There was a ‘ _happy birthday_ ’ message written on the cover page and was signed by the author himself. And I then realized it wasn’t just an ordinary book copy too.  
“A first press edition and it’s even hand signed with my name on it by my favorite author?”  
“I know I still don’t know about the other books you love, Namjoon-ssi, but I hope you’re going to treasure it t—?!”  
Not being able to hold myself back, I pulled her closer to me again and wrapped my arms around her that I could then hear her heartbeat echo as she said,  
“N-Namjoon-ssi?!”  
“Fuck Keira, don’t even say anything. Just... let’s just stay like this for now, please.”  
At the back of my head, I knew I didn’t deserve someone as amazing and kind as her. I didn’t know what and how I should feel right now as I hugged her in my arms.  
“Namjoon-ssi... are you okay? You haven’t even opened my second surprise too...”  
I kissed the top of her hair before letting her go saying,  
“What are you doing to me, Keira?”  
“J-Jeez, stop looking at me like that or else I’m going to take back my second present before you can even open it!”  
Feeling embarrassed, she just crossed her arms avoiding my line of sight while hiding the obvious faint blush around her cheeks.  
“Fine, fine. Whatever you say, mademoiselle.”  
I then opened the heavy box and was dumbfounded too of what was inside that my heart couldn’t stop pounding loud like an idiot.  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“K-Keira...”  
“Happy birthday again Namjoon-ssi.”  
It was unlike any other birthday gift I’ve received before. No wonder it was heavy too. It looked like an acrylic clock frame you can find online, but instead of only the time being displayed on the flashing screen, I noticed that every 5 minutes, the photo changed. And they weren’t just ordinary photos, the photos were of me and the members. Some were photos I have seen already and some were just new to me. But overall, it was too beautiful for words.  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“Keira, how did you even have time to get all of these together?”  
She just shrugged innocently saying with her eyes wandering off avoiding mine,  
“Don’t worry about it. I had fun in putting them all together really, and I just really hoped you would love the two gifts because...?”  
Putting down the delicate frame, I just took a deep breath before pulling her by the hand with one of mine and the other landing on her chin as our eyes finally locked into each other’s.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi?!”  
“Keira, don’t do this to me... ah shit.”  
Caressing her left cheek, her _gray eyes_ were looking steadily at mine that I just couldn’t hold back anymore.  
“M-Mmm...”  
“God, you’re so beautiful...”  
Kissing Keira’s cherry lips always felt like I was kissing her for the first time. She quickly turned rosy pink as she said,  
“N-Namjoon-ssi, jeez... what if someone sees us?”  
Her reactions were too adorable as I just pressed my lips on her left cheek this time and said,  
“Let them see what they want to see then.”  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
I instantly switched our positions as I then whispered in her ear,  
“Sit down on the table, my love.”  
“B-But...”  
As she was about to hesitate, I lifted her up through her waist and made her sit up on the side of my studio’s working table and she had no way of escaping since I was blocking her view in every way possible.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi, this is really sneaky of you...”  
“Who’s making it hard for me then huh?”  
I lifted her chin up gently to make her gaze straight at me and told her,  
“Wrap your arms around my neck.”  
She listened without question and with that, I finally had my go signal just by looking at that _enticing gray eyes_ of hers.  
“And then?”  
“I’m going to kiss you right now, okay?”  
Keira nodded before I brought our lips together as I leaned in my face closer and lowered my height’s level to suit hers.  
“M-Mmm... N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
The first few kisses were gentle and slow but then it turned deeper as our tongues met up and her hands then gripped tightly onto my hair making the beanie I was wearing plop down to the floor.  
“D-Damn... Keira, open your mouth wider baby.”  
As our kissing continued steadily and heavily, my hands then found themselves caressing her thighs that it made her yelp.  
“A-aaah, N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
“Sssh, baby as much I would to hear you scream, my studio ain’t soundproof. Yet,”  
When my lips trailed down to her neck and shoulders, Keira just sighed dreamily as my hands now managed to come inside her dress and started caressing her sensuous spot, her hips, her back, and her chest.  
“H-Haaaaa... p-please... Namjoon-ssi...”  
“Do you want more, my love?”  
She nodded and before I knew it, my hands instantly unzipped her bra and started gently rubbing her breasts and pinching her sensitive nipples that it made her almost let out a pleasured shriek.  
“F-Fuck N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
“G-God, w-why do you always feel so good Keira?”  
Every time she was about to scream loudly, I would just seal our lips together and make our tongues dance together in euphoria. Keira then looked at me, still having that _dazed look in her gray eyes_ of where this was going to lead up.  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“F-Fuck Keira, don’t look at me like that...”  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
As if my self control reached its limit, I then whispered in a low growling voice in her right ear,  
“Hold on to me baby.”  
She listened again without question as her arms around my neck held on tightly as I let her back lean on the side of the table this time while steadying her.  
“A-aaah...! P-Please...!”  
My right hand then trailed down and reached out to touch her most sensuous spot again which immediately made her flinch. Without holding back, I put two of my fingers inside of her, making Keira whimper as she leaned her head back with a soft moan.  
“S-Shit... N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
“Fuck baby, does that feel good?”  
She nodded with a heavy pant as I trailed my fingers faster while entrapping her lips with mine again and again.  
“Y-Yes, p-please move faster...”  
Pecking the tip of her nose, I just gave her a grin and said,  
“As you wish, mademoiselle.”  
“F-Fuck, N-Namjoon-ssi...!”  
Moving my fingers as fast as I could, I lost how many times Keira cursed my name in bliss.  
“D-Damn it Keira, you just feel so right baby.”  
After removing my fingers inside of her, her underwear then falls to the floor as I took it off all together.  
“H-Haaa... h-aaa... N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
“S-Shit,”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
Kissing her again, I then told her as our turned on gazes found each other’s,  
“Keira baby, lie down on the table for me...”  
“B-But, your computer...”  
My lips just pecked her forehead as I told her without hesitation,  
“Fuck the computer, I need you now baby.”  
When Keira laid herself down on the table, it didn’t matter that she was now messing up my work table or anything because I could only see her in my eyes at that very moment.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
Lifting up her dress, my tongue playfully reached, licked and sucked inside of her clit as Keira’s body immediately whimpered from the sensation and her pantings turning quick and heavy again.  
“F-Fuck N-Namjoon-ssi...!”  
“K-Keira god why do you taste so sweet baby?”  
I cannot even think rationally at the moment, I don’t know if I locked the door, I didn’t care if my studio room was not soundproof, I was too lost in intoxication over this stunning woman I’m tasting on repeat.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
“Here baby, taste yourself.”  
As I moved my lips straight to her mouth next, she wrapped her arms around my neck and let out a moan as our passionate secret lovemaking inside my studio continued.

From the table, I continued exploring her on the wall that even if a few of my _Kaws_ ’ and other figurines were tumbling down to the floor, we didn’t both give a damn care at the moment.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi, p-please... I.. need... you...”  
“B-Baby, I need you too...”  
I then carried her to the small sofa and laid her down there as I stared at her from my top view.  
_*thump* *thump*  
“Those gray eyes really...”_  
“K-Kiss me, Namjoon-ah.”  
When she suddenly called out to my name informally, it was as if my off switch had been turned on again.  
“Shit.”  
“M-Mmm... a-aaah...”  
Without further ado, I kissed her as if my body needed her warmth to breathe properly while she held onto me tightly at the back of my hair. We were both sweating all over which made the air conditioning in the room not so obvious as it turned hot just from our pantings and moans for each other.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi,”  
“K-Keira,”  
And then all of sudden,  
“Namjoon hyung, have you seen Keira noona any—-?!”  
“?!”  
“...”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
The two of us could only freeze the moment a familiar voice then came knocking and opening the room as he just looked blankly at our position in the sofa for a few short seconds before he closed the door and just said awkwardly,  
“A-Ah, sorry for interrupting. Carry on. I’ll tell anyone not to disturb hyung here.”  
As Keira and I listened to his footsteps growing fainter in our hearing, she couldn’t help but stifle out an embarrassed giggle while covering her face with her hands saying,  
“W-Why did it have to be Taehyung-ssi just now jeez... how am I supposed to face him on our next photography lesson?”  
Seeing Keira’s expression made me let out a laugh too as well as I just kissed her again on her uncovered lips by surprise before I reached my hand out to lock the damn door.  
“Okay, the door is now locked so there won’t any be more disturbances.”  
“J-Jeez... even your studio is now a mess...”  
Caressing both sides of her cheeks as she glanced at the current situation of my studio room, I just told Keira with a smirk forming on my lips before we continued on what was about to happen before the little mishap,  
“A mess that I wanted... now to finish where we left off my love.”  
“Kim Namjoon-ssi, you’re such a sneak even behind those dimples of yours...”  
As I then took off her dress, I made sure for the next moments of our real alone time together, Keira could only scream my name loud enough for only the two of us could hear.

_A few hours later..._

“Thank you for the hard work everyone!”  
As the seven of us finally wrapped up rehearsal around past midnight, I was about to grab my bottle of water and towel from my things when all of a sudden,  
“ _Happy birthday to you!_ ”  
“ _Happy birthday to you!_ ”  
“ _Happy birthday our dear Namjoonie!_ ”  
I could only blink in pure shock when the whole stage turned dark and I could hear familiar voices singing nearer and nearer as the lights from the candles was shining towards my eyes’ direction on cue.  
“ _Happy birthday our Kim Namjoon!_ ”  
“ _Happy birthday to you!_ ”  
The six members continued clapping and singing happy birthday while one familiar woman held the lighted up birthday cake with a smile on her face.  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“You guys...”  
After the song, they all then greeted me together saying,  
“ _Happy birthday to our beloved leader, Kim Namjoonie!_ ”  
They then stared at the woman who carried the cake as her voice then echoed my hearing as she said,  
“It’s official, _happy birthday_ Namjoon-ssi!”  
As I looked into her _gray eyes_ , my chest out of the blue started thumping uncomfortably and my eyes couldn’t stop shaking when those same eyes turned to light brown as a voice then echoed my head,  
_“Happy birthday Joonie! Congrats on another year!”  
*thump* *thump*  
“K-Kayla?”_  
“N-Namjoon-ssi? Is there something wrong?”  
“Namjoon hyung? You can blow out the candles now.”  
Snapping back to reality as I heard Taehyung’s voice echo in my ears instead of Keira’s voice first, I still could feel the haunting perturbs of my heart as I just faked a smile and nodded.  
“A-Ah sorry, sorry. Just got caught by surprise and all.”  
“Don’t forget to make a wish, Namjoon-ah!”  
Hoseok reminded me excitedly. Closing my eyes, I couldn’t think properly of what birthday wish I had wanted but judging from what happened just now, there was only one thing I asked myself,  
_*thump* *thump*  
“Why did I see you in Keira just now, Kayla?”_  
After I blew off the lighted up candles, the guys clapped and told me happy birthday once again as that one woman then asked,  
“What did you wish for, Namjoon-ssi?”  
However, her voice was then replaced by that girl’s nostalgic voice lingering inside my head.  
_“So, tell me, what did you wish for Joonie?”_  
Right then and there, my eyes were opened up to the undeniable fact which I had been too busy hiding. The fact that I still could remember that one girl inside my heart, it just meant that I was back on square one in terms of how far along I had moved on.  
_“Don’t cry for me anymore, Joonie. Please.”  
“I’m sorry... I’m sorry I tried to forget you, Kayla.”_  
“There’s no need for you to know, Keira-ssi.”

And that’s where things started to change.  
It was like _time wouldn’t fly, it’s like I was paralyzed by it_.  
It was like I _wanted to be my old self again_ , but even after all of my efforts to do so, _I was still trying to find it_.

And not even Keira’s presence anymore could stop those echoes of the past to haunt me all over again.  
**

_**Winter of 2017:  
Osaka, Japan** _

Another season passed by so quickly. It was already winter when we were on the _Japan_ leg of the tour. Every day since the start of the tour back in autumn had been hectic.

All was normal but in terms of my relationship with Keira, _all has not been well_. Ever since what happened at my birthday, I couldn’t look at her the same anymore, that’s why I had decided to keep my distance for a while. And she didn’t question me as well since she was also busy with her job. Although, we were still formal with each other especially when she’s capturing our photos during rehearsals and during the shows, and even when there were people around.

Yet, things were on _cold ice_ between us just like the winter air.

And then one day,  
_“We’ve wandered around, looking for the answer.  
Lost in the maze, in the darkness.”_  
I was writing lyrics in my notes when a voice then snapped me back to the real world.  
“Namjoon-ah, did something happen between you and Keira-ssi?”  
Hoseok asked me seriously as he was passing time in my room at the hotel the night right after our last concert here in _Osaka_.  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“Hope-ah...”  
“Months ago, you two were inseparable even sneaking off together off stage so nobody would be able to find you two spending time together. But now,”  
He really was perceptive even when I hadn’t told him anything yet. Leaning back on the chair, I just closed my notebook and sighed telling him,  
“But now we rarely see each other and spend time together even when we have breaks from time to time?”  
“Exactly.”  
I trust Hoseok a lot, but I didn’t know how to tell or even describe to him what I was currently feeling.  
“Hoseok-ah, I... It looks like the thing you’ve been warning me about, it’s...”  
His eyes widened in shock of what I was trying to say as if he understood it completely without even me finishing to say it.  
“Namjoon-ah, are you for real? Don’t tell me it was back during your birthday?”  
Having no reason to hide anything anymore, I told him the uneasiness or heavy anxiousness I had been feeling ever since. Hoseok could only massage his temples saying,  
“No wonder you’ve been acting weird since then. It might not be obvious to other people, but it’s not only me who had noticed Namjoon-ah. The rest of us do.”  
“Hoseok-ah,”  
“Damn. This is why I’ve been telling you this won’t end up prettily if you take advantage of her kindness. Keira-ssi is a really great person Namjoon-ah, that’s why...”  
I guess there are consequences for everything we do, whether good or bad. In my situation now, I didn’t think through the effects of having a relationship with someone when I still felt an attachment to my past. Especially when that someone had been nothing but such a kind and genuine woman to me since we had met.  
_*thump* *thump*  
“S-Shit... I’m just as confused as ever...”_  
“I know Hope-ah, I’m the one who doesn’t deserve a woman like Keira but she chose me anyway, she risked to be with me anyway. But if I keep on hurting her like this...”  
“Namjoon-ah, I’ve seen the way you look at her before that happened, don’t be too hard on yourself. But she deserves to know what you’re feeling now instead of keeping your distance. _Did you ever think what she’s feeling right now too?_ ”  
Hoseok’s words echoed inside my thoughts for a little while as I then asked myself,  
_*thump* *thump*_  
_“Did I ever think what Keira might be feeling now too?”_  
“I don’t know Hoseok-ah, maybe I haven’t really.”  
“Then don’t push her away so much before it’s too late Namjoon-ah. Just because she’s kind enough to give you your space, don’t forget that _she’s only human_ and she will reach her limit if you don’t confide in her.”  
He just told me those last words before leaving me alone to think properly of what I should do between Keira and I. To be honest, I couldn’t look at her without thinking about Kayla. That was a sad truth and to think, I really thought I was slowly moving on yet everything was just put to a pause and I used Keira’s feelings as my shield. While I was too busy reflecting to myself, my phone’s screen then lit up as a new message then arrived.  
_*thump* *thump*  
Keira: Do you want to take a walk with me?_  
Even if I was still unsure of where our relationship was going to go from here on out, I didn’t hesitate to type back,  
_Namjoon: I’ll meet you near the emergency staircase then in half an hour._  
Her reply then came instantly saying,  
_Keira: Okay, see you then._  
There were no emojis or emoticons in her messages which meant that things were really changing between us and I’m the one at fault obviously for letting it get to this point.  
“Keira... what’s going to happen now?”

 _A little while later..._  
“Osaka is really a beautiful city.”  
I watched Keira’s _gray eyes_ glimmer under the street lights as we continued to walk along the empty and serene streets of Osaka since it was already early morning and there weren’t many people walking around. As our footsteps were the only ones echoing in the silence and winter breeze, she then asked on cue,  
“Namjoon-ssi, are you okay? You’ve been quiet ever since we walked from the hotel.”  
“A-Ah, no. It’s just weird to be walking around this early in the morning.”  
Keira just smiled at me as if she easily saw through my fake alibi.  
“If you don’t want to tell me anything that’s bothering you at the moment, I’ll respect that.”  
“Keira-ssi...”  
It was her first time here in Osaka and here I am, ruining the mood again when it’s the first time we’ve spent time alone together ever since what happened. I then apologized.  
“I’m sorry for wrecking the mood right now. Don’t worry about me, Keira-ssi. As long as you’re having fun now, don’t mind my melancholic mood.”  
She just sighed and shrugged to herself before reaching out her left hand to me asking,  
“I don’t want to be the only one smiling right now, let’s go, okay?”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“Keira-ssi...”  
Flashing me that always kind smile of hers, I had zero reasons not to accept her hand with my right one as I nodded feeling touched by her warmth all over again.

We walked around the stores that were still open, especially food stands that sold street foods. Even if it was her little way of cheering me up, Keira was always earnest in everything she was doing. Even if I was busy pushing her away, I still find myself feeling moved over the little things she does for me. _For us_.  
“Namjoon-ssi, try this one next. It’s less salty but more sweeter.”  
Not to mention, it didn’t feel like she was hurting too even if she hadn’t questioned me of why I suddenly wanted to give space between us ever since. Keira always acted like she wasn’t affected. And _that shit hurts_ because I know she doesn’t just want to let me see her crying when she’s alone.  
“Namjoon-ssi, go pose over there and I’m going to take your photo!”  
When we stopped by one of the bridges in the streets of Osaka, I gripped tightly onto her hand that was intertwined with mine that it made her stop walking and face me on cue.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi? Is everything okay?”  
Shaking my head, I just gazed at her worried gray eyes looking straight at me and said,  
“There’s something I need to tell you Keira-ssi.”  
I could tell she was slightly getting nervous of where the conversation was heading.  
“Okay then, what is it you’re going to tell me?”  
Taking a deep breath, I was then reminded of Hoseok’s words back at the hotel before I then said to her,  
_“Then don’t push her away so much before it’s too late Namjoon-ah...”  
*thump* *thump*_  
“I keep forgetting but at least for now, I just want to thank you.”  
Keira blinked in disbelief of the words that had escaped my mouth as if she wasn’t expecting that at all.  
“U-Um... that was unexpected... but I don’t remember doing anything that deserves your thanks though?”  
Just gripping tightly onto her hand again, I just took another deep breath and glanced up at the early morning winter sky above us as I told her honestly,  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“No, you have. You have done a lot ever since Keira-ssi... I hope you know that. Even just by standing in front of me now and being with me, that’s something I want to thank you for.”  
Keira felt flustered by my words yet she didn’t hesitate to take my other hand and hold both of our hands together as she looked up at me and said,  
“Thank you for saying that then. I know that we haven’t been able to meet eye-to-eye lately, but know I’m here for you. I’m _not_ going to disappear that easily.”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
_“Joonie, if I’m going to disappear soon, what would you say then?”_  
Keira’s last sentence almost made me freeze, not to mention, Kayla’s voice also overlapped with hers. It made my heart tremble as well. The former then realized the impact of her words as she then inserted,  
“Namjoon-ssi, about what I said just now...”  
Yet, Keira’s honesty was always spot on that a wry smile then formed on my lips as I replied with my eyes close enough to watering,  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“No, you’re right Keira-ssi. Because if you were to disappear from my side too just like she did, I might be the _unluckiest man_ to be alive then huh?”  
Before I then knew it, Keira closed the distance between us and wrapped me around her embrace. I then embraced her as her head leaned on my chest and my hands were steadying her on the back of her head. I didn’t want Keira to see the now obvious tears streaming down my face as the only words that then came out of my mouth were,  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“I-I’m sorry, _Kayla_... I’m so sorry...”  
Keira just continued to hug me in silence that I hadn’t realized too that it wasn’t only my tears that were now dripping straight to the cold, hard ground.

And right at that very moment in time, as the first snow started falling around us behind such a scenic view, I mentioned that one name again just to _break the woman in my arms like a promise_.  
And yes, it was _casually the most cruel thing I could do in the name of being honest_.

**  
**_Late Spring of 2018:  
Seoul, South Korea_**

 _“Namjoon hyung, do you really love Keira noona?”_  
Taehyung’s words echoed as knives twisting around my chest. After what happened at Osaka, the distance between Keira and I just increased, even if we were all back in Seoul since spring started and the final nights of the tour were right around the corner.  
_“And to think I’d hear those words from Taehyung-ah himself... a question I can’t bring myself to find an answer to yet.”_  
It seems a few months ago, Taehyung witnessed for the first time Keira crying and of course, it was because of me.  
_“You know hyung, even if I wasn’t the one noona was crying for, it still hurts to see her cry. It really does...”_  
And that made me feel absolutely like shit.

“So this is how cherry blossom trees bloom here in _Seoul_...”  
Taking shots of the beautiful spring view and the cherry blossom trees dancing in the wind, Keira and I found ourselves taking a stroll by the park where the spring trees were in full bloom. How we ended up here together you might ask? The members secretly made the two of us meet as Seokjin texted me to meet them here while it was Taehyung who asked Keira to meet him here but it was only the two of us in the end.  
“Yeah, flocks of tourists would just travel all the way here to Seoul to witness the cherry blossom trees that bloom once every year.”  
“I see, it’s understandable though. I would do that too.”  
Avoiding my line of sight, Keira just continued on with snapping photos of the view around us. Our conversations were always short and strained now. Not to mention, _it really felt like we were drifting apart_. The once inseparable feeling she had with me, it was slowly fading away as the seasons changed.  
_“I guess this is what Hoseok-ah and the guys were trying to warn me then...”_  
“Ah, a cherry blossom fell onto my palm. It’s mysterious how such a small, delicate petal can exist in such a beautiful way.”  
Trying to divert the awkward talks between us at the moment, I then told Keira about how there’s a belief that if you caught a cherry blossom petal in your hand by accident or unknowingly, you can make a wish on it and blow it off to the wind so it comes true.  
“A wish huh?”  
As I let her ponder to herself with the petal in her hands, I just looked deeply at the trees swaying perfectly together thinking,  
_“What would indeed happen if Keira does decide to let me go once she’s had enough? What would I do?”_  
When a passing spring breeze then passed by us right now, I then noticed that Keira had already blew off the small cherry blossom petal that was in her palms.  
“Keira? What did you wish for?”  
She just quickly wiped off the signs of tears from the corners of her eyes and told me while feigning a smile across her lips,  
“I just wished simply if what you and I have is still worth the fight and tears, Namjoon-ah.”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
As we were standing at a short distance from each other, my chest’s heartbeat echoed so loudly in my ears. With our eyes fixed at each other’s, _both gray and brown_ , I couldn’t find the right words I should answer right then and there. Keira’s next question however made my heart quiver even more.  
“What would you do if I told you that I want to put an end to what you and I have Namjoon-ah?”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“Keira, you...”  
Along with the falling cherry blossom petals, Keira’s tears also continued falling as I then rushed to her side and wrapped her around my arms.  
_“It still hurts hyung, seeing noona cry like that.”  
“Namjoon-ah, I hope you won’t take advantage of that kindness...”  
“Joonie, let’s just end this.”_  
Lots of voices were lingering inside my head yet there was only one voice I was longing to hear at this very second.  
“K-Keira, please say something...”  
“I-I just don’t know anymore where my heart lies with you... I-I thought I’d be able to see everything through with a smile, but funny how life doesn’t work out like that... e-especially when you love someone _so greatly_ but you’ll never be the greatest love in return...”  
Her words spelt hurt in every possible angle. It was the first time I’m seeing her so vulnerable and hear her hoarse, sobbed up voice behind her usual cheery persona. And I was the sole reason for her tears and her heart breaking.  
“Keira, you don’t have to do this, right?”  
“D-Didn’t I tell you _I may be a fool but I’m no idiot_ Namjoon-ssi? T-The fact that you might still see her in me hurts so much more...”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
I didn’t realize that I was now trembling while I was hugging her in my arms. The only choice of words I could manage to say were,  
“I-I’m... I’m so sorry Keira...”  
Not even the witness of the cherry blossom trees and the petals falling and the spring breeze carrying them were enough to stop Keira’s tears and her from saying as she slowly pushed herself away from my arms,  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“Namjoon-ssi, I am and will _never_ be a replacement for that special girl in your heart.”

It was the first and last time I saw Keira smile at me so painfully with those _gray eyes_ of hers.  
Who knew that spring was a heart wrenching season after all? _Especially for a fool like me_.

**  
_**Summer of 2018:  
Seoul, South Korea**_

It was already summer before I knew it. A year since everything that had happened in _Thailand_.

 _“In the darkness, just the two of us is enough  
In all these lies,  
If we’re together, even an endless maze is paradise.”_  
We were busy recording the final touches for our next album. I was listening to Yoongi rapping his lines that the lyrics of the song hit way harder than I realized when I wrote it. I remember writing about this song around early autumn last year because of that one person.  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“Even an endless maze is paradise huh?”  
Remembering the reason why I wrote this song in the first place, her smile behind those _gray eyes_ of hers would pop inside my mind but... I don’t know if it’s even important now since we haven’t spoken to each other since what happened under the cherry blossom trees.  
_“Our own mountain, our own climb.  
Our own world, our own heart.  
Travel toward the exit.  
Held together, our hands become a map.”_  
When it was Hoseok’s turn to sing his lines for the song, my chest ached because my mind then throws me the memory of Keira’s tears on cue.  
_*thump* *thump*  
“Fuck, don’t think about personal things while working right now Namjoon...”_  
I cursed to myself quickly as Hoseok and Yoongi’s voice then got me back to my own senses.  
“Namjoon-ah?”  
“How was that?”  
Shaking my head, I just took a quick breath in and out before telling them,  
“Yeah, it was good Yoongi hyung, Hope-ah. Let’s take 5 for now.”  
Exiting the recording room, the two of them then glanced worriedly at each other as they then said to me on cue while crossing both of their arms,  
“You’re thinking about her, aren’t you?”  
“It’s pretty obvious when the lyrics speak so much about the both of you and you, yourself wrote most of it.”  
Running my hands through my hair in confusion of my restless feelings, I just stood up from my seat and grabbed my water bottle telling them,  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“It doesn’t matter anymore.”  
With a sigh, Hoseok then said while scratching the back of his head in slight frustration,  
“Funny how your lines in the song too are contradicting to what you really feel:  
_I’ve never been in a calculating love.  
I know it’ll be cold like winter,  
But I still wanna try.  
If you push me, I’ll fall, just raise me up again.  
Even if I pull, you don’t have to come._”  
I had meant to give this song to Keira once it got released, but after everything that happened between us, not even writing her a hundred songs could make up for what I did.  
_*thump* *thump*  
“Let’s just keep our distance if that’s what you really want Namjoon-ssi, I want that too for now.”_  
Feigning a smile, I just shrugged at Yoongi and Hoseok saying,  
“Guess life is really full of ironies, even song lyrics.”  
“Namjoon-ah, are you really okay with things going like this? I know you’re not letting this affect your work ethic and all, but it’s obvious to us that you’re taking this hard emotionally.”  
“Yoongi hyung...”  
As I was getting myself ready for a deep lecture, we were surprised when a familiar figure then came inside the recording studio room with a rather sour look written all over his supposedly worldwide handsome face.  
“Ah, it looks like the three of you are still here then.”  
“Uh oh, did something happen again Seokjin hyung?”  
“Did the three _maknaes_ prank you again?”  
Hoseok and Yoongi asked him, yet both were wrong answers as he then said while focusing his stare at me next,  
“Not even close. Namjoon-ah, manager hyung wanted me to pass this on to you.”  
“Pass on to me?”  
With a long sigh, the oldest hyung then took out a pale blue envelope from his pocket and placed it on the table saying,  
“It’s up to you whether you decide to open it or not.”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
I was getting nervous of the rare serious tone coming from Seokjin’s voice. Hoseok and Yoongi exchanged glances at each other before the former then asked,  
“Seokjin hyung, where did that letter come from? It looks kind of old too?”  
“Let’s just say that it came from someone all of us would _most_ _least_ expect to.”  
The three of them just stared at me in silence as I then took the envelope from the table and yes, my eyes turned so wide and my heartbeat quickened that it started ringing in my ears.  
_*thump* *thump* *thump*_  
_“For: Joonie”_  
“T-This handwriting...”  
It didn’t even take seconds for me to realize who the letter was from, it was a letter from the special girl in my memories. A letter from _Kayla_ herself. And at that very moment, I was pushed back to the very beginning of the maze once again.

“Hyungs? Was there a secret meeting I was supposed to be informed of and be invited?”  
The four of us were back in my studio room together that Taehyung was puzzled of the reason why we gathered together as he peeked from outside of the door. Hoseok just tried to smile and said to him,  
“Taehyung-ah, can you do your hyungs a big favor right now since Jimin-ah and Jungkook-ah are nowhere to be seen again?”  
“A-Ah, sure. What is it then?”  
Seokjin then asked him without hesitation,  
“Taehyung-ah, whatever you do, don’t let anybody come in here for the next hours ahead. Most especially, if that person happens to be, Keira-ssi, got it?”  
Taehyung just blinked in a daze as if he had more questions he wanted to ask, but as our gazes met, he just sighed and nodded saying,  
“I understand then, I’ll keep guard for you then hyungs! You can trust me!”  
“Thank you Taehyung-ah. We’ll leave it to you.”  
Yoongi told him lastly before he bowed politely and left the room. Seokjin, Hoseok, and him then stared at the unopened letter I was still holding on to.  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“I didn’t think there would be an unread letter coming from her... did manager hyung tell you how did he get this, Seokjin hyung?”  
Seokjin shook his head with a sigh again and said,  
“No, he just told me to give it to you and let you decide whether you still want to open it or not.”  
“So, what are you going to do Namjoon-ah?”  
“Are you going to open it?”  
Feeling my curiosity getting the best of me, I just took a deep breath to myself as I nodded at Yoongi and Hoseok’s question telling them,  
_*thump* *thump*  
“Joonie, please... whatever happens, don’t cry for me anymore... okay?”_  
“I have to, if this is what it takes to get my unanswered questions answered, I’ll risk it.”  
The three of them just nodded together as I finally mustered the courage to open the blue envelope.

However, the moment I then unfolded the pieces of stationery paper that smelled like the scent of _white roses_ , my heart wasn’t prepared enough for the roller coaster of emotions that would happen next.  
_For: Kim Namjoon,_

_I bet you’re surprised to receive a letter from me again, right?_

_I’m pretty sure too that you’re reading this now when I’m gone from this world, but I know you love sentimental things like this._

_Joonie, I don’t know where to even start with this letter. However, I do want to ask you an important question. Are you okay? Because I do hope you are. You deserve nothing but happiness Joonie. And because that’s the Kim Namjoon I’ve fallen in love with._

_When the rest of my days were only counted, I didn’t know how to tell you... especially when you and the BTS members were steadily reaching out for your dreams and everything. It felt like I would just get in the way of where your life was heading for the better. I didn’t want to be that kind of girlfriend for you. That’s why I hid it. I hid it from you because I thought that would have been the best._

_Yet, I too realized it very late that it wasn’t good to keep secrets from someone you care about. Someone you really love and loved you back in return. That’s why... I’m sorry for saying things too late Joonie. When I told you that it was better off for you to break up with me, it felt like my heart was being ripped out. You were there for me every step of the way since we were in school together, that’s why telling you that I wanted to end our relationship, it was the hardest thing I had to do._

_It was way harder than telling you I had only little time left to live in the world where you also existed._

_When I told you to forget me, I meant the opposite of that. I hope wherever you are now when you’re reading this letter, I hope you always remember me, even in the good and bad memories. You will always be my most important person, Kim Namjoon. Thank you for giving a simple girl like me a chance to be loved by someone as wonderful as you._

_Thank you for everything you’ve done. For me. For us.  
And I’m sorry if I can’t stay by your side anymore and I’m sorry...  
I’m sorry for telling you that I don’t love you anymore.  
That was a lie of course.  
I will always love you, even when I breathe my last breath soon._

_You are my springtime even in the darkness.  
Your smile is my shining light.  
That’s why, you’re not allowed to cry for me anymore okay?_

I lost where I had started tearing up at Kayla’s words. Our memories then started playing inside my head as if everything that had happened between us occurred only days ago. Yet, of course the hard reality sinks in... she wasn’t here with me anymore. She was gone. _She had been gone for a long time now_. And instead of accepting that, I blocked all of her memories off. Instead of moving on by myself, I used the feelings of the most honest woman that came to my life for the worst reasons.  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“I...”  
Seokjin, Hoseok, and Yoongi just maintained their silence in the room as the only sound echoing was the ticking of the familiar acrylic clock on my table before our eldest hyung then said,  
“Namjoon-ah... are you crying right now because of the letter’s sender or someone else?”  
To be honest, I couldn’t answer him so easily. My mind was busy throwing old memories at me while my heart felt it was being squeezed in pain recalling those _hurt gray eyes_.  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“I... I’m... I’m crying for both... I hurt them both so much...”  
As my tears continued to fall down, Hoseok’s eyes then saddened on cue because of what I had to say.  
“Namjoon-ah... there you go saying things like that again. I know you’re still hurting over the past, but... your present matters a lot too. Don’t forget that.”  
“Hoseok-ah...”  
Yet, no matter what words he was trying to tell me, I just couldn’t understand where my real feelings lie anymore. Yoongi then sighed before asking,  
“Do you regret it then? Do you regret having Keira-ssi in your life then?”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“Yoongi hyung...”  
The three of them gazed at me worriedly while waiting for my next answer that we were all unaware of what was even happening outside of my studio room.  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“H-How am I supposed to tell her all of this then? That everything about us shouldn’t have happened?”  
“N-Namjoon-ah, why are you saying things like that because of a letter?!”  
“So you do admit that things wouldn’t have reached this point if you weren’t reckless?”  
“Namjoon-ah, consider Keira-ssi’s feelings. What would happen if she were to see you like this right now?”  
And then, we were all taken aback the moment we heard the door open and revealed the very figure that we least expected to come as Taehyung’s voice echoed saying,  
“W-Wait noona...!”  
“W-What is going on here?”  
Her _gray eyes_ then couldn’t stop shaking seeing the rather tense atmosphere in the room at that very moment.  
“K-Keira...”  
“Keira-ssi,”  
“Shit, this is what I was afraid of.”  
“Well, there’s a good explanation why we’re all here now...”  
Ignoring the other voices in the room, Keira’s eyes only fixated on mine however her _gray eyes_ showed only every bit of sadness and confusion of where everything was going.  
“Why do I get the feeling that you’re hiding something from me, Namjoon-ssi?”  
The one thing that remained constant even in the turmoil of our relationship was Keira’s sincere honesty.  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“Keira, you see...”  
“Namjoon-ah, just tell her.”  
“She deserves the right to know.”  
“She always has.”  
As Seokjin, Yoongi, and Hoseok gave me reassuring nods, I didn’t avoid Keira’s eyes anymore and just handed over the pieces of stationery paper to her.  
“T-This letter...”  
“It’s from her, Keira.”  
Her eyes couldn’t stop trembling as she started reading what was on the letter. Keira’s tears also glistened under the lights inside the room. She then held the letter tightly onto her chest saying,  
“Before I leave, I just want to thank you guys for everything since last year. Thank you for the memories together, even if they were only short term.”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
My heart started perturbing restlessly at her sudden choice of words. It was like they were words of goodbye. Words of farewell.  
“K-Keira... why are you...?”  
Taehyung’s voice then couldn’t help but grow loud when he said,  
“N-Noona! Why are you suddenly saying sad things like that?”  
Keira just looked at each of us in the room and said with such a wistful smile written all over her face as she wiped the dry tears around her eyes,  
“Today is my last day here in Seoul and in the company. I’m going back to Paris tomorrow. I wanted to come by and tell you guys goodbye and I wish you all continuing happiness. You all deserved that at least.”  
_*thump* *thump*  
“I’m going back to Paris tomorrow.”_  
“K-Keira...!”  
Before we could even stop her, she just gave us one last polite bow before she ran out of my studio room.  
“W-Wait...!”  
“K-Keira-ssi...!”  
As Seokjin and Hoseok were about to chase her, Jimin and Jungkook could only freeze in shock when they realized a second too late that she had passed by them so quickly.  
“H-Hyungs, what happened?”  
“Wasn’t that Keira noona just now running?”  
Feeling frustrated of how I just reacted, I was about to throw the blue envelope I was holding on to but was dumbfounded the moment a different colored stationery paper fell off.  
“Did I miss this one?”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
My whole body quivered the second I started reading what was written on the last unread part of the letter that I had almost missed.  
_“Joonie, there’s one last thing you have to promise me...”_  
“S-Shit...!”  
Before I knew it, I stood up and made a run for it that not even the guys’ voices were enough to stop me as well.  
“Hey!”  
“Namjoon-ah...!”  
“Namjoon hyung...!”  
I made a run for it, hoping I wasn’t too late. Hoping I wasn’t too late to make things right.  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“K-Keira!”

I ran all over to find her. She wasn’t anywhere to be found in the building so I searched for her outside, praying she didn’t go too far already. And there she was. Sitting by the bench at a small park near the company’s main building.  
_*thump* *thump*  
“T-Thank goodness... thank goodness I still found you...”_  
“K-Keira...”  
As soon as I mentioned her name, she just looked up at me while trying to wipe away the signs of her heavy tears from her _gray eyes_ landing on the almost _crumpled up paper_ she was tightly holding on to.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
She swiftly avoided my gaze as I then asked nervously,  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“Is it true? Is it true you’re going back to Paris tomorrow? Did you really just come to see us so you can just say goodbye? Why... why didn’t you tell me?”  
Keira just feigned a laugh as she then stood up from the bench and found my _brown eyes_ telling me with her piercing gaze,  
“Yes, I’m going back. It wouldn’t have mattered to you if I had told you or not, Namjoon-ssi. I don’t even know why I even bothered to come, now... look what happens... I... I... just can’t do this anymore.”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
She was about to turn her back at me and I was about to let her until that girl’s last words in that letter then echoed my head on cue saying,  
_“Don’t hold yourself back anymore, Joonie. Don’t hold yourself back before it’s all too late.”_  
Then something just dawned on me, as if my eyes and my heart were opened up to the feelings I’ve been busily mistaking as something I didn’t deserve _but in the end, I still fell in love with the woman standing in front of me._  
“K-Keira... damn it... p-please... don’t... don’t go...!”  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
I ran up to her and wrapped my arms around her waist from behind. After everything I did lately, I knew I didn’t deserve someone like Keira but the thought of her leaving made me scared.  
“Please, don’t leave. Stay. Stay with me. I don’t want to let you go. Keira, please...”  
That was me being honest wholeheartedly for her. That was me being a fool trying to make her stay and being selfish. It took a few seconds for her to loosen my grip around her waist as she then faced me with tears streaming down her beautiful face.  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“I can’t stay with you anymore, Namjoon-ssi. I have to let go of you now.”  
“K-Keira...”  
I couldn’t believe the words coming from her lips. It was as if the nightmare I didn’t want to happen in reality is coming true right here, right now. Before I knew it, Keira closed her eyes as she then wrapped her short arms around me tightly saying,  
“Even though my heart feels like it has been shattered into a million pieces, _I still love you so much_. Even though I had so much of my love to give to you, I was still selfish to think I was more than enough for you _when I wasn’t._ ”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“K-Keira, p-please don’t say thing like that...”  
Tears also now fell from my eyes of where the conversation was going and my chest started to feel so tight that it almost felt hard to breathe.  
“N-No, please let me finish Namjoon-ssi. During the past months, I’ve been weighing everything out... I kept looking for signs whether ‘ _us_ ’ was still worth the fight or not. And after reading Kayla-ssi’s last letter for you, I knew... _I knew I will never be enough for you._ I knew that I wouldn’t be able to bear if you only looked at me as a replacement for her when you’re lonely because... that just hurts... _that’s the cruelest way you can hurt me._ ”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
Did she really thought I was only looking at her as a replacement for Kayla? Maybe I was at first but I feel like a damn fool for making her feel that way all this time. I failed to show her that she was and will never be that way to me.  
“Keira... Keira, you’re _not_ and never will be just a _replacement_ for her...!”  
I didn’t notice that my voice already grew loud as I told her that.  
“I know. I know _all too well_. But... it doesn’t mean that you’re ready to move on Namjoon-ssi. That’s why... no matter how much this is going to hurt me, to hurt you, to hurt us... I’m... I’m going to let go of you first.”  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“K-Keira, why... d-don’t...”  
I could feel her trembling from the arms that were wrapped around me as she gripped onto me tightly as if she was holding back herself from sobbing all over again.  
“You need time to heal by yourself, Namjoon-ssi. You have to believe too that _time is going to heal_ , you... you have to believe too that moving on doesn’t mean you have to throw away the memories you have with her. Because... because that’s what I’m going to believe too from here on out.”  
“K-Keira...”  
As she let’s go of her embrace around me, I didn’t know what to feel at that very second as Keira’s delicate hands then cupped my face and wiped away the tears that were evident all over my face. She just gave me her usual genuine smile that I haven’t seen for quite a long while now, yet it was the _most heartbreaking sad smile that I’ve ever seen_.  
_*thump* *thump*_  
“Thank you for everything Kim Namjoon-ssi. I wish you happiness always, okay?”  
I could only cup her cheeks that were filled with her tears still as the two of us just stared at each other in silence, _her gray ones and my brown ones_ , before she tiptoed and pressed her lips on mine for the last time under the witness of the summer sky.

She placed the letter back on my hands as I was now left alone. Left alone to reflect of what I should’ve and shouldn’t have done.

Maybe in the middle, _we really did get lost in translation_.  
Maybe I was the one who _asked for too much_.  
And maybe _what we had was a masterpiece before I was the one who tore it all up_.

Yet, no matter how many times I’ll try to get out of the maze now, I’ll continue to walk lost in the darkness because our hands weren’t holding on to each other’s anymore.  
_“If we’re not together, even an endless maze will never be paradise.”_

**  
_**Summer of 2018  
Seoul, South Korea:**_

_A little while later..._

_“I’m sorry if I wasn’t enough for you from the very beginning, Namjoon-ssi.”_  
Those were the only words that echoed around me as I watched her walk away, and as I watched the tears fall from her ever _beautiful gray eyes_.  
I didn’t stop her anymore.  
I couldn’t stop her.  
I didn’t have the right to make her stay.

I stood there feeling numb by the _traffic lights_. As I was waiting for the colors to change, my mind then remembered clearly that letter’s last words from that one girl who was right all along.  
_Joonie,  
There’s one more important thing I want you to promise me from now on. Got it?  
If you ever find someone who’s willing to accept you with her whole heart, to accept what happened to us, to be there for you unconditionally through all the good and the hurt, don’t let her go.  
If I let you go because of my selfishness, I don’t want you to do the same thing to someone else who doesn’t deserve it in the future. Because I know... I know you didn’t deserve that too._  
The last part of that special girl’s letter made me realize way too late. Too late to take back what I did and what I should’ve did in the first place.  
_I’m not telling you to forget about our memories together, but I’m not telling you too to close off your heart to love someone else. Always remember that regret doesn’t come to haunt you until the very end.  
Hold on to that person if you ever find her before it’s too late Kim Namjoon. You deserve to be happy, even if I’m no longer with you._  
As my tears took over me, the only thing I could say that moment under the witness of the summer’s chilling breeze and the red colored traffic lights that then turned green,  
“What have I done?”

There I was, having let go of the _one real thing I’ve ever known all this time_.

But, I was too much of a fool.  
“Goodbye, Monsieur Kim.”  
And I will remember it _**all too well**_ for the rest of my life.

**  
_**To be continued...**_

~~_finished: 06/20/20_ ~~


	3. Love Maze: Kim Namjoon’s DBATC POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love Maze  
> — Kim Namjoon’s POV for Death by a Thousand Cuts
> 
> Part 2: The Present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello! Kaila here ✌🏻
> 
> This is the FINAL chapter of Death by a Thousand Cuts. 😭
> 
> Sorry if it took me a while to finish because real life happens you know and we get busy. 🥺  
> But nevertheless, I hope you enjoy the last part of Namjoon and Keira’s story through Namjoon’s eyes. 💙
> 
> My heart literally broke while writing the epilogue so please please please DO NOT skip the epilogue. Thank you! ☺️
> 
> I managed to finish this because I got inspired to write listening to Zara Larsson’s song called “All The Time” (give it a listen! It’s a BOP!) 🥰
> 
> My story’s playlist in Spotify got updated, check it out 🎶👇🏻  
> link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/18U1pTvxqfNaD5EsMlJ48g?si=SwguAt6DR5CEgLV8CJzY2g
> 
> There’s a song called “Uncover” by LOONA, please listen to it during the ‘sweet’ scenes between Keira and Namjoon 🙂
> 
> Please play,  
> “Love Letter” by LOONA and “Love Maze” by BTS at the start of the Epilogue. For more feels. Thank you! 😔
> 
> Hope you enjoy the last chapter! 👀  
> On with the story~

**_Part 2: The Present_ **

**  
 ** _Prologue:_**

**_Autumn of 2019_  
 _Seoul, South Korea_ **

_“Trapped in a maze of decisions_  
 _Exhausted by all the different chaos_  
 _We’ve wandered around, looking for the answer_  
 _Lost in the maze, in the darkness.”_  
I remember those lines. Those lines I wrote for that one woman that held my hand even in the darkness of what I felt and became the reason why even the darkness felt like paradise with her. But now, it was true that people say, “ _I’ll end up a fool.”_

 _Keira,_  
 _If you ever give me another chance, I’ll never let go of your hand again._  
 _I... I will never let you go again._  
 _Because in the darkness, just the two of us is enough._  
Those were the only foolish words I could write but never muster to send.

“It’s really been 4 years already huh, Kayla?”  
I stared at one smiling girl’s framed photo as I put down the bouquet of white roses and a new scented candle. It had been the second year since I visited Kayla without her. Somehow, it didn’t feel like it had been more than a year already since that day. So much has happened, yet it felt like everything happened yesterday.  
 _“She’s in a better place now Namjoon-ssi.”_  
“She’d always been right huh, Kayla?”  
After dealing with the aftermath of what happened last year, Kayla’s memories didn’t haunt me anymore because I had learned to accept the reality she wasn’t around anymore but the memory of her and us will always be a part of me. But, because of it, I had hurt someone who didn’t deserve it. I had hurt the one woman with those tearful gray eyes whom I shouldn’t have.  
“Kayla, what should I do? Do I even deserve to see her again? What if this is fate’s way of paying me back after what I did to her? To us?”  
I was still lost in the maze. Even though it felt like I was fine, _but I wasn’t fine at all_. I was just getting better at hiding it, especially from the guys since I don’t want them worrying about my personal problems more than they should already.  
“Haaa... maybe Seokjin hyung’s right... if she wanted to move on, maybe I should do the same thing too, right?”  
And right at that very moment, my eyes then couldn’t stop shaking at what I then saw and my chest started pounding in surprise.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“T-Those flowers...”  
Right beside Kayla’s small picture frame was another bouquet of fresh white roses and a small Polaroid photo of the same flowers near the frame.  
 _“Oh, so her favorite flowers are white roses then?”_  
“I-It couldn’t be...”  
There could only be one other person who knows about these flowers.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“K-Keira, you...”  
Since the flowers’ scent was still strong along with the scent of the candle wax filling the room, it could only mean that it hadn’t be long since she came to this place as well. Quickly standing up from my kneeling position, I then exited the room and looked around the area.  
 _“Namjoon-ssi?”_  
Her voice calling out to my name lingered inside my head yet, there were no signs of her silhouette anywhere. Just the sight of the autumn trees swaying along the crisp autumn air and autumn leaves falling down into their places. And one maple leaf then fell down right to my right hand.  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“I just wished for a sign whether what you and I have is still worth it or not, Namjoon-ssi.”_  
Closing my eyes because of that rather sad memory, I then took a deep breath and whispered to the autumn breeze before blowing off the autumn leaf out of my hand,  
“I wish there was a way I could see you again, even just once, Keira.”  
As I watched it being carried by the breeze, I just looked up at the sunset colored autumn sky with my eyes close to tearing up and said as another memory from 2 years ago came passing by,  
 _“So this is what an autumn sky in Seoul looks like huh, Namjoon-ssi.”_  
“I don’t know why but this sentimental season just really keeps reminding me of you, Keira.”

I still continued to roam around the maze alone, but the thought of Keira’s smile and gray eyes... it also still felt like there was a light at the end of this endless tunnel.

**  
 ** _Winter of 2019:_**  
 ** _Paris, France_**

“Monsieur, cherchez-vous quelqu'un?”  
Gripping on tightly to the ticket in my hands, I was looking around the art studio like a lost puppy until one of the staff’s then approached me. I just looked at her baffled since she might have thought I knew how to speak French, which of course I didn’t.  
“Um, I’m sorry but I can’t speak French.”  
I bowed slightly in apology as she then switched to English and also offered an apology in return.  
“A-Ah, I’m sorry Monsieur! I had meant to ask if you were looking for someone right now? You look a little lost?”  
I then handed over my ticket to her before her eyes then looked at me wide eyed in surprise.  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“Shit... I hope she doesn’t recognize me.”_  
“Oh! This is one of the personally made tickets Miss Keira sent to a select people of her closest family and friends! You must be one of her friends then, I’ll go get her right now!”  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“Shit...! Shit...! Shit...! This is not how I imagined things to go like this!”_  
I’d rather have her recognize me, instead she then gives me an excited smile and clap before saying,  
“I’ll be right back Monsieur!”  
“W-Wait...!”  
Yet, I was too slow in stopping her as she hurriedly disappeared to another room to find that one woman I wasn’t ready to face now. Not ever.

But why did I end up here in the first place?  
How did I end up here alone with the risk of getting caught by someone who can recognize me?  
Well... a lot of things can happen just in the span of a day.  
Especially in my case.

Last night right after our last concert in Paris,  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“So it’s tomorrow huh?”  
I was staring blindly at the invitation ticket in my hand. Even the simple fact that we were in Paris since two days ago for our two night concert made me so distracted about whether I should go or not. Or more precisely, whether I deserve to go or not.  
 _“G-Goodbye, Monsieur Kim...”_  
The pain still felt like it really happened yesterday instead of seasons that passed ago.  
“Haaaa... what should I do?”  
Next thing I knew it,  
“Don’t tell us you’re still convincing yourself not to go at this point?”  
“For real? She sent all of us personal invitations to come and you’re thinking of not even going?”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
I was then taken by surprise the moment familiar voices then echoed my hearing and peeked at the ticket I was looking at so seriously from behind me.  
“H-Hope-ah?! S-Seokjin hyung?! You guys?! Weren’t you all talking with manager hyung now?”  
The members just exchanged shrugs and sighs at each other before Taehyung then said,  
“Come on Namjoon hyung... are you really not going to Keira noona’s exhibit when she sent all seven of us invitations too?”  
Uh oh. Taehyung was giving me those puppy eyes again. Jimin nodded and seconded,  
“Taehyung-ah’s right hyung, it wouldn’t be right to go to noona’s exhibit without you.”  
Were they all really thinking we should go together tomorrow?  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“But... don’t you guys have your own free schedules to go to tomorrow since it’s our last day in Paris and all?”  
Shaking his head, Jungkook then pointed out,  
“We didn’t plan anything for tomorrow so we all can go to Keira noona’s exhibit together.”  
They really planned this thoroughly huh? Just for one woman herself. It made my chest feel all warm and ticklish for an odd reason.  
Yet, one important question then remains.  
“Did you guys tell manager hyung then? Won’t we all cause a commotion if we go together though? It’s a public event, remember?”  
The six of them exchanged suspicious looking stares and smiles with hidden agendas which I didn’t notice at all as Yoongi then said,  
“Don’t worry about it, Namjoon-ah. We’ve already asked manager hyung, that’s why we were talking with him just now.”  
No wonder the six of them disappeared out of nowhere a few moments ago while I was stuck to ponder whether I should go or not to Keira’s exhibit for the countless time ever since she sent all seven of us invitations to her exhibit months ago.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“I still wonder why she had sent seven tickets instead of six? Is it out of courtesy or is it more than that? Who am I kidding? After... after what had happened to us, I’m pretty sure it’s out of courtesy for the other members.”_  
“I... I don’t know guys... do I even deserve to go to Keira’s exhibit? What if this is just her way of being polite to the rest of you by inviting me as well? That’s how she is after all...”  
I just ran my hands through my hair in pure confusion that the rest of them just kept on looking at me worriedly before Hoseok then broke the silence by asking me,  
“Then don’t you want to see her again, Namjoon-ah?”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Hope-ah...”  
I was left tongue tied at his first question, yet it didn’t come close to how speechless I was at his next question.  
“Namjoon-ah, what would happen if you saw with your own eyes Keira-ssi being with someone else? What would you do?”  
 _*thump* *thump* *thump*_  
Next thing I knew it, that one woman’s beguiling gray eyes and her ever bright smiling face just lingered in my inner thoughts as I told him,  
“I’d be happy for her, wouldn’t that be the right thing to do?”  
That was one lie that really left a bitter aftertaste but, it was a good enough reason for them to finally convince me to come.

Nevertheless, I wasn’t at all prepared for what they had planned the day during Keira’s exhibit itself.

 _The next day,_  
“Manager hyung? Are you sure it’s really alright for all of us to come?”  
As our manager was driving me to the venue alone, I was still hesitant of whether we should really come together as a group.  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“I don’t want us to steal the spotlight from Keira especially this is her exhibit after all.”_  
“I’m just worried... worried that with all of us there, we would end up stealing the spotlight from her, hyung... which is of course the least we want.”  
Our manager just smiled at my remark as he said without hesitation,  
“Rest assured Namjoon-ssi, you have nothing to worry about. Just trust me. And trust the guys too.”  
When it came to reassuring, our manager really knows a thing or two ever since. I just returned the smile with a relieved sigh telling him,  
“Thank you, hyung. I hope the other guys won’t be late since they had to go to a stopover first before they head for the exhibit.”  
I didn’t notice the very questionable smile written all over our manager’s face as he continued driving.

 _“I guess there’s a good point we all can go together if we visit a few hours before the exhibit ends but...”_  
“Where are they?!”  
I couldn’t help but exclaim in frustration looking at my watch as they were already late for more than an hour. Not to mention, there’s also one hour left before the exhibit ends!  
 _*ring* *ring*_  
And right on cue, my phone started ringing. Without even letting it ring for the second time, I answered it.  
“Seokjin hyung! Where are you guys? There’s only an hour left you know?”  
I felt my ears sting the moment his usual loud laugh then echoed on the other line as he said,  
“Weren’t you the one who said the seven of us shouldn’t go together since we’ll cause a ruckus? We’ll leave the rest to you, Namjoon-ah!”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
My whole thought process almost stopped working at what I had just heard.  
“W-Wait just a darn second hyung...! Don’t tell me this was yours and the guys’ plan all along?!”  
Yet it was no use when he just told me lastly,  
“Ah, don’t forget to greet Keira-ssi for us and thank her for the invitations too. Okay? Fighting, Namjoon-ah!”  
“H-Hyung...! Don’t you h—-?!”  
 _*beep* *beep*_  
I could only stare at my phone in real shock and disbelief of the unsuspecting betrayal the other six members of the great **BTS** did to me, right at that very exact moment in time.

And now back to my reality, I had no choice but to come inside and explore the exhibit by myself. I know it made sense to let only one of us to come, but why me? Wasn’t Taehyung the most enthusiastic one to come before?  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“D-Damn it... what if I really end up seeing Keira huh? What then?”_  
However, all of my anxiousness just vanished into thin air the second my gaze stopped at one photo from the exhibit.  
 _*thump*_  
“The traffic lights huh?”  
It was a black and white photo of the traffic lights. I then read the short description of the photo that said,  
 **I asked the traffic lights in Paris if I’ll be alright, and they said “I don’t know.”**  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
That one photo drifted my memories back to that one wistful summer which reminded me of the same traffic lights in Seoul where everything just shattered between the two of us.  
“K-Keira...”

As I was still staring so absorbed at the photo, my heart’s beating almost halted when a familiar faint voice then echoed inside my hearing on cue.  
“Kim Namjoon-ssi, what are you doing here?”  
The very moment I looked towards where the nostalgic voice was coming from, my breathing almost got blocked just by gazing at the one woman who was now a few steps away from me. I had imagined so many times what it would be like to see her again, but... to think it was happening for real right now... I... I didn’t know what to do.  
 _*thump* *thump* *thump*  
“F-Fuck...”_  
Not to mention, to see Keira dressed in a lace little black dress that complimented her real beauty so much along with those glittering black heel stilettos of hers and a long black coat, it made my heart pound so much like a damn fool. And those gray eyes... _those ever perfect gray eyes_. Just the sight of Keira standing so beautifully near where I was made me far breathless than I could ever feel in a long time.  
 _“S-Snap out of it Kim Namjoon! S-Stop acting more of a fool already of what you’re doing!”_  
My thoughts pleaded with me as I finally managed to get my shit together and just tell her while putting both of my hands in my coat’s pockets to calm myself down,  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“It sure has been a while huh, Keira-ssi?”

Closing her eyes as if she was trying to prove to herself she wasn’t staring at me as if I were some sort of mirage in her point of view, she glanced around us and quickly made her heels’ stiletto make echoing sounds next as she grabbed my hand saying,  
“Merde!”  
 _(Shit!)_  
What did she say? I don’t know if it was a curse or French expression but judging from how she called me an idiot next while pulling my hand with hers and leading us both to an unfamiliar room, I may have came unannounced for real. However, I didn’t care if she was mad or not because just by feeling the warmth of her hand in mine and her scent faintly tickling my nose, it felt like I was the one in the mirage which was Keira herself.  
“K-Keira-ssi,”  
It looks like the room we entered was like a personal waiting room for Keira since her handbag was there and her other photography things as well. As soon as she locked the door behind us, she instantly lets go of my hand and focused straight on my brown gaze with an upsetting expression while asking me head on,  
“What do you think you’re doing huh, Kim Namjoon-ssi?”  
With a sigh, I just showed her the ticket I hid in my coat’s pocket replying,  
“Weren’t you the one who gave us the invitation to come see your exhibit though?”  
As her gray gaze stared at the ticket I was holding, it was Keira’s turn to sigh as she crossed her arms saying,  
“Of course I sent those invitations for all seven of you, but of course I didn’t expect to see you at all since you’re not someone who can easily come to public events like these! What would happen if someone recognizes you huh?”  
Keira almost raised her voice at me but she had to hold herself back because somebody could end up passing by and hear us.  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“Shit... there she goes again...”_  
“It sounds to me you’re worried about me again more than getting worried for yourself, Keira-ssi.”  
“Namjoon-ssi, you know that we don’t have any right to be worried for each other anymore right? Now tell me, what’s the real reason why you’re here?”  
 _*thump*_  
Keira’s first question made my chest hurt. Does she really have to be damn honest every single time? It doesn’t help that she’s giving me such soft, but cold looks through those gray eyes of hers.  
“I wanted to see you, Keira-ssi. I wanted to know how you are now. Even though I don’t have any right to see you, I still wanted to see you nevertheless.”  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
Before I knew it, my heart squeezed at the sight of those nostalgically painful tears taking over Keira’s face as she said hoarsely,  
“P-Please... please do not just come barging in when I’ve already decided since then that we were better off as separate people who were meant to go their separate ways...”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
The memories of Keira’s teary eyed face came knocking down inside my head on cue.  
 _“P-Please... let’s just end this Namjoon-ssi.”_  
“K-Keira-ssi, please don’t cry... my heart dies a little every time you cry. Please love, don’t cry.”  
As I was about to go closer to her, she stopped me immediately and told me to keep my distance and that she did not want my comfort at that very minute. Feeling a bit blue of her reaction, I could only reach for one other thing in my pocket next.  
“Here.”  
As I handed over my white hankie to her, she just looked at me for a few seconds before finally accepting it and used it to wipe her tears next as she thanked me for the kind gesture.  
“Seeing you cry the first time we had met again made me realize that a smile suits your beautiful face the most, Keira-ssi.”  
With a slightly forced chuckle, Keira and I caught each other’s gazes again as if this was the first time I had looked at her gray eyes so earnestly before she said,  
“I had to smile even though it felt like I was walking through rose thorns every time I thought of you, Namjoon-ssi. I thought it would be so easy to smile if I ever saw you again, but...”  
“But what Keira-ssi...?”  
As the rest of her tears kept dripping straight to the floor, Keira gave me a shrug and a very feigned smile while finishing her sentence,  
“But... how am I supposed to smile when the very person who broke my smile is standing right in front of me at this very moment?”  
 _*thump* *thump* *thump*_  
“K-Keira-ssi...”

I didn’t even take notice that my feet took over me as well as my heart which I didn’t give shit about my mind telling me that what I’m about to do next is wrong, I decided to do it anyway.  
“W-What do you think you’re doing, Namjoon-ssi?!”  
Instantly closing the distance between Keira and I, I just pulled her closer to me and wrapped my left arm around her waist and not letting my gaze stray away from hers.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“What I should’ve done from the start, Keira.”  
Without second thinking, I pressed my lips on hers. To kiss Keira’s ever delicately perfect cherry lips again was a dream, a dream I don’t ever want to wake up from.  
“N-No...! T-This isn’t right, Namjoon-ssi...!”  
“Who says the wrong things can’t be the right ones, Keira?”  
Before I knew it, I just kissed her harder this time that as soon as I heard a moan escape from her lips, there was no way I could stop myself. Not when I got to taste her so close to me all over again like a drug.  
“Keira, love. Don’t you let go of me, okay?”  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”

As the kissing turned deeper and deeper when I continued having my way with Keira even on the wall, it was really getting so hard to be quiet especially when there’s an exhibit going on outside of this very room and her panting voice was the only sound I wanted to hear right now.  
“A-Are you really him?”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
That one question that then came out of Keira’s mouth made my heart throb. Caressing her rosy cheeks, I just pecked her lips before telling her,  
“Who would it be, Keira, my love?”  
Yet, her expression then turned somber as if she had realized something important that she asked me to put her down quickly next.  
“K-Keira,”  
“P-Please just let me down and let me go, Namjoon-ssi.”  
Following her abrupt request, it was obvious that something definitely snapped between us as soon as she started fixing up her disheveled hair and clothes after what we just did or would have ended up doing.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Keira, about what happened just now...”  
“Namjoon-ssi, I’m sorry but can you please leave me alone for now? P-Please?”  
She then asked me to wait outside and go back to her exhibit. I quickly understood from her almost sobbed up voice that she was only waiting for me to get out from her sight before she could cry to herself alone again.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“I’ll wait for you no matter what, Keira. I don’t care if you think it’s unfair of me to say it but I will. I will wait for you. I will wait for your heart to heal. Just like you healed mine.”  
Trying my hardest too not to tear up and hug her in my arms, I just placed my hand on top of her head before heading for the door and leaving Keira alone in silence inside the room.

I did what I was told and continued to roam around her exhibit since there were only a few more minutes until it ended and then...  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“T-This,”  
My eyes couldn’t stop shaking and my heart started perturbing nervously at the very photo my eyes caught on sight.  
“So she was wearing that in the photo then?”  
It was an unfamiliar photo of Keira wearing a _familiar golden necklace_ around her neck. I don’t know when she had taken this photo of herself pretending to capture something with her camera but just by looking at the necklace on her neck in the photo, I just closed my eyes and told pathetically to myself before I went ahead to the rest of her photos,  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Of course you wouldn’t be wearing that little one now, would you Keira?”

Even when her exhibit ended too, I continued to walk around. I continued to reminisce in my memories of her. And of us. Even when I knew deep down I did not deserve to ask Keira for her forgiveness, _I still love her_. And I will continue to do so.

Because I can’t fool my feelings again. My real feelings for one woman herself.

**  
 _ **Winter of 2019:  
Paris, France**_

“La réservation de table est-elle alors correcte?”  
 _(Is the table reservation okay then?)_  
“Oui, mademoiselle Keira.”  
After we got off her car, Keira then led me to a fancy looking restaurant in the downtown of Paris where there were a lot of first-class restaurants and boutiques lined up. The waiter then immediately recognized her that as soon as we entered, he then bowed politely to her with a cordial smile. He didn’t even bother to look at me which was a bit relieving since I didn’t have to worry about getting recognized.  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“I’m reminded again of the fact that the woman I’m with right now is not your ordinary kind of woman.”_  
The members kept telling me before how they liked hearing me speak English, but for me... nothing beats hearing Keira speak French or another language I couldn’t speak fluently. It made her so attractive in my eyes on repeat.  
“Veuillez nous donner un peu d'intimité pour le moment.”  
 _(Please give us some privacy for now.)_  
“Oui mademoiselle Keira. Je reviendrai une fois que vous et votre compagnon serez prêts avec vos commandes.”  
 _(Yes, miss Keira. I’ll come back once you and your companion are ready with your orders.)_  
“Merci.”  
As the waiter excused himself, Keira found my gaze and said with an ironical smile as she entered through the door in one of the private rooms in the far corner of the restaurant,  
“Don’t worry Monsieur Kim, this place is safe especially for someone who’s renowned as you are.”  
 _*thump*  
“Even her sharp tongue still is the same as ever huh?”_  
I just nodded before closing the door behind me.

 _A few moments later..._  
“Merci, mademoiselle Keira.”  
After we settled in the rather fanciful private room, Keira took care of ordering for the both of us since the menu was all written in French. The room was really private in a sense that it’s meant for two people to be alone without any disturbances. And of course, we were sitting across from each other.  
“If you’re wondering what I ordered Namjoon-ssi, I ordered my usual orders here except for anything seafood since you technically don’t eat those.”  
My eyes turned a bit wide on how she even remembered that.  
 _*thump*_  
“You still remember then?”  
Keira just stared at me blankly for a few seconds before she instantly looked away saying,  
“I’m not the only person in the world who doesn’t know that fact about you though, Namjoon-ssi.”  
“K-Keira-ssi.”  
The two of us just fell to awkward silence on cue.

As the wine arrived first before our meal, Keira asked me if I was okay with red wine and I nodded. Next thing I knew it, I couldn’t help but remember the certain memory back during that summer where we also had red wine together. The night where things drifted to a different turn in our relationship.  
 _“Hmph...! I-I’m not drunk, okay?!”_  
“This feels a bit nostalgic.”  
“Nostalgic in what sense, Monsieur Kim?”  
Keira then looked curiously at me with those gray eyes of hers. Yet, why do I feel a wry tone in her voice when she had asked?  
“It just made me recall what happened in Phuket back then.”  
Closing her eyes for a few moments, she just took her glass of wine and took a sip before telling me straight on,  
“I guess this is where the phrase **_‘past is past,’_ **is meant to be used then.”  
Keira really knew how to clap back my words in the most aching way possible.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Your honesty really hasn’t changed even now huh, Keira-ssi.”

With the food arriving a couple of minutes later, the two of us just ate in eerie silence before Keira asked me if the guys and even our manager knew where I was.  
“Yes. I’ve told them. Since they’re partially the reason too why I ended up there in your exhibit by myself in the first place.”  
She just continued to look at me in silence for a few minutes before she opened up her mouth and said her reply.  
“I see. That’s good then. I wouldn’t want anything troublesome to happen to a well-known person such as yourself, Namjoon-ssi.”  
 _“Anything troublesome huh?”_  
Without hesitation, I just told her,  
“Don’t worry, Keira-ssi. I’m just an ordinary guy to you when we’re together after all. I’m not the idol and leader of **BTS** , but just Kim Namjoon in front of you.”  
“Namjoon-ssi...”  
And with that, the two of us just continued to eat and drink in silence. Even if Keira was avoiding my gaze, I couldn’t find it in me to look away from her. Not even once.  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“Damn it... don’t just switch from your cold gaze to your sad gaze so quickly Keira...”_

After we were done with the food in our table, Keira then immediately reached for something in her handbag and placed it over to my side of the table.  
 _*thump*  
“T-This pink pouch...”_  
Looking at her confused, I then asked her what she was trying to mean by giving it to me. She just gave me a sad smile saying,  
“I’m returning it to you. The one last thing I should’ve returned back then.”  
As soon as I opened the pouch, my eyes couldn’t stop shaking and my heart’s pounding started to echo in my ears.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“I’ll always keep this necklace with me, Namjoon-ssi!”_  
“You’re... you’re really going to give back the necklace I gave to you back then?”  
I still couldn’t believe at how even with the time that had passed by since what happened between us, the golden necklace I was holding in my hand was still glistening so brightly under the chandelier’s lights as if it was brand new.  
“There’s no point of me holding on to the one last thing that still reminds me of you, of us, Namjoon-ssi.”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Why do you keep saying things like that, Keira-ssi?”  
I could now sense the hurt evident on my voice as I asked her with my hand clenching tightly onto the necklace.  
“Because there couldn’t be any other reason why we saw each other again right...?”  
As she returned my hurt tone with those hurt gray eyes of hers, it was pretty obvious that Keira knew her sad eyes are my biggest Achilles heel.  
 _*thump*_  
“You really are making yourself believe that this necklace is the only reason why we saw each other again after all the seasons that had passed by?”  
With her whole facial expression close enough to tearing up, she just asked me next,  
“Then tell me, Namjoon-ssi... tell me your reason why we met each other again? Was it because you wanted to barge into my life again when I’m slowly trying to move on myself? Was it because you felt guilty of what happened between us? Was it because you just want to break my heart all over again?”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“K-Keira-ssi... it... it isn’t like that of course...!”  
As a few teardrops then fell down from Keira’s gray eyes, I could feel my heart squeeze so tightly in pain and break into a thousand pieces because of her tears.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi... please... you’re already making it so hard to be together in a room with you. We broke up, remember? We’re not together anymore. _We are two people who didn’t work out in the end._ I told you back then that I wanted our relationship to end and you did not even bother to stop me. That says a lot already, w-wouldn’t you think?”  
I didn’t know what to say at that very moment. I was literally lost for words. And in the worst way of course. The amount of hurt that Keira had to bottle up to herself all this time. I just realized that no words were enough to lessen the aches I had caused her.  
 _“Keira... shit... what have I done...”_  
“Keira-ssi,”  
Those were the only words my inner thoughts could say as she just wiped the signs of tears on her face and gave me a faint laugh, trying to save the very somber conversation.  
“Haaa... okay, that’s enough tears for one night. Namjoon-ssi, let’s not have this conversation ruin the evening. Even though we may not to be together anymore, let’s at least be cordial with each other. You can do that for me, right?”  
Feeling frustrated of myself, I then said to her with my voice unknowingly raising up and my courage coming out,  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Damn it Keira! Don’t you see? I just don’t want to be unimportant to you! I still want to be someone important to your life! Because... because you’re still the most important person to me!”  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
The two of us kept on looking at each other in disbelief. Her looking at me in disbelief over the words I had just said to her. Me looking at her in disbelief over how she’s trying so hard to push me away. The alcohol was getting to us now.  
“Then what, Namjoon-ssi? After you tell me I’m still important to you, I’ll easily say I will take you back? And I’ll open my wounded up heart again to you? And I’ll give you another chance? Does that all sound so easy to you if you were in my shoes then?”  
Keira asked me with a frustrated tone. She was already so honest when she’s sober, but when she’s slightly drunk, her honesty doesn’t hold back and will either touch you or hurt you or even both.  
“Of course it isn’t! But... Keira... tell me... if I tell you, _I love you_ right this very second, right this very minute, right this very moment, would you even believe me?”  
As I tried to reach out to hold her hand from her side of the table, she shook her head and quickly pulled her hand away telling me,  
“Of course I believe you, Namjoon-ssi... but... what’s the point of me even believing you now? Are you even considering how confused I feel right now?”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Keira,”  
As tears were slowly forming around the corners of her eyes again, Keira just took a deep breath to herself before finishing up the rest of her wine in the glass.  
“It looks like I’ve done my part now. I’ve returned the necklace to its rightful owner. I hope you take care of it, Namjoon-ssi.”  
Glancing at the glimmering necklace in my hand, I let out a long sigh with my eyes turning sad at the realization that,  
 _“This little one is really the last proof of our relationship and she wants to return it because she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore...”_  
“Keira-ssi, about the necklace... it’s already been through so much, what if I lose it? That’s the last thing I want to do.”  
Returning my worried gaze, Keira just kept her silence for a few seconds before it was her turn to sigh this time and said she’ll keep it under one condition.  
 _*thump*  
“One condition?”_  
I curiously asked her what kind of condition she was trying to propose. The next words that then came out of her lips then left me baffled and made my heartbeat go on ruckus again.  
“I’ll keep it but you have to promise me that this will be the last time we’ll see and speak to each other. Even if we somehow run into or see each other, which I hope doesn’t happen again, let’s make this _the last time_ , Namjoon-ssi.”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“She’s really going to go that far huh?”_  
“That’s a rather heavy compromise, Keira. You’re really go to that end just so you can’t have anything to do with me?”  
With a slightly sarcastic chuckle, Keira just told me even beneath the still sullen look in her gray eyes,  
“Tell me how to move on from you then, Namjoon-ssi. I bet if you know the answer, I won’t have to keep searching for a book on how I should move on from a heartbreak. Wouldn’t I?”  
“You don’t even believe me when I tell you that I came to see you and that I love you, tell me how to prove I should be believable to you then too, Keira-ssi.”  
Keira didn’t hesitate to tell me that there are things meant to be fixed, but the two of us weren’t exactly included in that list. It was crystal clear that both of us, at this point in time, were pissed with each other.  
“Keira, let me just say... isn’t it worth believing that we aren’t two people who broke up because we didn’t love each other but... because this shit called _fate_ wanted us apart?”  
She gave me a wistful smile asking back,  
“Namjoon-ssi, let me just say this too... do you even understand the feeling of _giving someone so much but it wasn’t ever enough?_ ”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“K-Keira...”  
Keira just continued to give me more feigned chuckles as she also continued to wipe her tears altogether. I almost lost count how many times my heart broke at every tear that came out of those gray eyes.  
“Why does it feel like no matter how many times I will say sorry to you Keira, it will never be enough as well?”  
Her gaze then went straight to the necklace which was in her hands now as she replied,  
“It doesn’t matter how many times someone says sorry Namjoon-ssi, if it doesn’t reach, you can’t force yourself to reach it. **Just like how we sometimes want some things we can’t reach in life.** ”  
 _*thump*_  
“Just like how I live to understand the world. But the world has never understood me. Right?”  
For some reason when Keira had pointed that out, it felt like so perfect for our situation right now. Even if her hand was so close within my reach, I couldn’t reach for it. I couldn’t force myself to reach for it and hold it with mine. Because holding Keira’s hand was something I could reach so easily in the past but now... _it felt so far away and so was she._  
“And you tell me I’m the one who has a way words, Keira-ssi...”

After settling our bill, Keira then didn’t hesitate to stand up from her seat. She gently grabbed her coat and scarf and said facing me,  
“Looks like this will really be the last time we’ll see each other eye to eye, Kim Namjoon-ssi?”  
“You really drive a hard bargain, Keira-ssi.”  
As she finished putting on her black coat and scarf while fixing her hair, she just held up the gold necklace in her hand saying,  
“You were the one who told me this little one doesn’t deserve to get lost after everything it has been through, remember? _At least let’s give this little one a better ending than ours_ , right?”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“K-Keira,”  
She gave me a polite bow before heading straight for the door.  
“I guess this is the real goodbye, Monsieur Kim Namjoon. I hope you take care of yourself, don’t let the people and fans who look up to you feel worried.”  
 _“Are you really just going to watch her walk away from your life again, Kim Namjoon?”_  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“K-Keira, wait...!”  
My innermost thoughts then asked me on cue that one important question. Before Keira could reach for the door, I managed to stop her and grab her arm that it made her look at me uncomfortably asking back-to-back,  
“Why did you stop me again, Namjoon-ssi? Didn’t I tell you we have no rights whatsoever to be worried for each other now?”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Damn it Keira...! Of course I’m going to be worried over you still because I care so much about you. _I fucking care so much that I can’t help it._ You really think giving up on us is the right thing to do? Tell me. Please.”  
As she removed her my hand which was gripping tightly onto her left arm, Keira just gave me one more melancholic smile and said to me,  
“I once remember a piece of advice someone I look up to before had told me, do you want me to tell you?”  
“Keira... d-don’t...”  
 **“Giving up doesn’t always mean you’re weak. Sometimes... you’re just strong enough to let go, Kim Namjoon-ssi.”**  
 _*thump* *thump* *thump*_  
Before I knew it, she opened up the door and closed it behind her without even looking back once while completely leaving me all alone under the flickering chandelier in the room.

“H-How am I supposed to get out of the dark maze without you then, Keira?”  
I whispered to myself quietly before tears just streamed down my eyes just like the white snow that was pouring down from the glass window’s night sky view in this foreign city.

**  
 ** _Winter of 2019:_**  
 ** _Seoul, South Korea_**

After we came back from Paris, my life continued on. My life as a member of **BTS** continued on without any drawbacks. My life as Kim Namjoon though... it wasn’t that smooth sailing especially with what happened between Keira and I a few weeks ago. To me, the way we separated in Paris, which is ironically supposed to be the _City of Love_ and all, was more painful than the day we separated in Seoul that cruel summer.

Also, it felt like fate had already toyed with me, with us, and with my feelings more than enough.

Yet, I was damn wrong. _So very wrong._ And I’ll come to understand that a few days later on.

 _The day before the photoshoot:_  
“So, what’s our schedule for tomorrow manager hyung?”  
“Didn’t you mention too before that there’s going to be a very important shoot tomorrow?”  
As we wrapped up all of our schedules for the day, we were all having dinner in a Korean restaurant before heading home that our manager then finally remembered what the important thing that was going to happen tomorrow after Hoseok and Seokjin had asked him.  
“Ah right! You have a scheduled photoshoot for Billboard Korea tomorrow for the special Christmas cover.”  
“Oh~ right. It’s this time of the season again!”  
“Another Billboard Korea shoot? This is going to be fun then.”  
Jimin and Taehyung remarked excitedly. It wasn’t new news for us, even for me, to be in a cover shoot but, the next sentence that then came out of our manager’s mouth made me froze that I dropped my chopsticks unknowingly.  
“Not to mention, the photographer who’s going to oversee your shoot is no other than Keira-ssi herself.”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“W-What? Did? He? Just? Say...?”_  
On cue, all the members then focused their worried looking stares at me just at the simple mention of that one special woman’s name.  
“Manager hyung, is... is she the same Keira noona we all know?”  
Jungkook asked to lessen the awkwardness of the situation right now.  
“Yes, she is. She’s flying straight from Paris tomorrow just to shoot you guys. It’s amazing how even Billboard Korea managed to get her since she’s practically booked with other events as far as I’ve heard.”  
As our manager continued to ramble on, Yoongi then asked me since he was the one sitting closest to me at the moment,  
“Namjoon-ah, are you alright? Do you need new chopsticks?”  
“A-Ah, yeah. Thanks, Yoongi hyung.”  
Handing over a new pair of chopsticks to me, he just sighed and told me,  
“We’re just as surprised as you are right now, Namjoon-ah. But, it’s gonna be okay. You’re gonna get through this, you always do. Remember that.”  
Yoongi wasn’t the type to usually cheer someone from the members up, but when he does, every word he says just makes so much sense and eases you. With a nod and relieved smile, I just said to him,  
“Thank you, Yoongi hyung.”

Yet, even after dinner and we all headed home to prepare for tomorrow’s schedules, my head still couldn’t wrap up at the very fact at how fate was really trying to mess around with me even now.  
 _“Just promise me this is the last time we’ll see each other, Namjoon-ssi.”_  
“I guess this is the irony of the phrase that **promises are indeed meant to be broken** huh, Keira-ssi?”

 _The next day,_  
“Hyungs, Jungkook-ah, shouldn’t we all pitch in to give Keira noona something? Since we weren’t able to go to her exhibit together when we were in Paris except for Namjoon hyung of course?”  
On the way to the shoot, Taehyung then out of the blue suggested something.  
“Oh, now that you mention it, that’s not a pretty bad idea Taehyung-ah.”  
“What should we give her then?”  
Jimin and Jungkook were so quick to agree that they started searching on their phones any gift suggestions for one woman.  
“Hmm... is Keira-ssi a clothes type of woman or the sweets type of woman?”  
“I don’t think we have enough time if we were to buy her clothes right now though, Hoseok-ah.”  
Hoseok and Yoongi also pitched in their suggestions. Seokjin then faced me and asked without hesitation,  
“How about you, Namjoon-ah? What do you think is the perfect gift we should give Keira-ssi?”  
“Seokjin hyung...”  
The whole car ride then turned quiet on cue as they all waited for my answer.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“Shit, hyung really put me on hot seat right here, right now.”_  
However,  
 _“Look, look Namjoon-ssi! Who knew there were these kinds of colors of flowers here in Thailand!”  
_ My mind then couldn’t help but recall a certain memory from the past that I could only say next,  
“She loves flowers.”  
“Flowers hmm?”  
The members then exchanged pleased smiles at each other as Hoseok then said,  
“Let’s try to search for flowers that’ll suit Keira-ssi then. Thanks, Namjoon-ah.”

Before I knew it, our manager then pulled over a small flower shop that wasn’t too crowded so all of us can go around and decide what we should get.  
“How about sunflowers? Don’t all women love the big bright sunflowers?”  
Jimin asked as he pointed to the freshly bloomed sunflowers in front of him. Taehyung and Hoseok quickly shook their heads saying,  
“No, it’s too common now.”  
“Yeah, we should find something that’s unique just like Keira-ssi herself.”  
The flower shop’s owner then helped us look around as Seokjin then asked,  
“Auntie, what would you suggest we should give to someone we want to show our love and appreciation for?”  
As the kind auntie then pointed one by one the flowers that portray the meaning the guys wanted to show for Keira, my eyes then stopped on one corner of the shop.  
“Who knew there were fresh pink roses blooming even in this season?”  
I told myself with a smile that I didn’t expect another voice then replied to me next saying,  
“ _Pink roses_ aren’t that popular unlike the red ones but I love the meaning of the pink ones more than the red ones.”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
When I looked over where the voice was coming from, I was caught by surprise when it was the owner who was standing right beside me.  
“A-Auntie... what do you mean you love the pink roses’ meaning more than the red ones?”  
Picking up one of the pink roses, she then handed it over to me saying kindly,  
“Pink roses give off much more gentleness as compared to the bright red rose. It means _admiration_ when they’re given to someone.”  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“Namjoon-ssi...!”_  
“Admiration huh?”  
Before I then knew it, the members then came up to me as Taehyung said,  
“Uwah! Those pink roses are pretty hyung! You should definitely get those for Keira noona!”  
“But what about you guys? Have you chosen what to give her already?”  
They exchanged disappointed looks as they shook their heads and crossed their arms.  
“When there are just so many flowers to choose from, choosing even one is already really difficult.”  
“Yeah, exactly!”  
Hoseok and Jungkook remarked that the flower shop owner couldn’t help but laugh at our reactions as she then said,  
“Since this handsome, young man is going with the pink roses, I suggest the rest of you go with the _peach roses._ ”  
“Peach roses?”  
“Eh? There are roses that are peach colored?”  
Yoongi and Taehyung asked in awe. The kind owner just nodded and hurriedly went to the back of her shop and carried a fresh batch of the peach colored roses.  
“W-Wow... _daebak_. This is the first time I’m seeing peach roses!”  
“We didn’t see them on the display too.”  
Jimin and Seokjin then turned to the auntie in curiosity as she just said,  
“You’re lucky boys indeed. They weren’t on display since they just fully bloomed today. I was planning to put them out by tomorrow but remembered that you wanted flowers to show your appreciation for the person you’re giving them to.”  
“What do the peach roses then mean, auntie?”  
I asked her. She looked at me with a motherly smile saying,  
“ _Genuineness_ and sincerity.”  
The rest of the members then exchanged satisfied nods at each other because they finally found the perfect flowers with the perfect meaning to describe one woman perfectly.

 _Moments later..._  
“Hello everyone.”  
“We’ll be in your care again.”  
“Let’s have a good shoot today!”  
As we arrived at the venue for the shoot, my gaze soon caught sight of those pair of gray eyes I could recognize anytime and anywhere. The two of us just had an instant eye contact before she on cue looked away as she was being called by one of the magazine’s editors.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“Keira...”_  
“Namjoon-ah, you’re being too obvious right now.”  
“Ah, sorry Hope-ah.”  
Our coincidental reunion was put to a halt for now as the seven of us went to get ready for wardrobe, hair, and makeup.

As soon as we were all done changing, we were getting ready on standby as her familiar voice then echoed the studio saying,  
“Everyone, get ready in 10 minutes and we’ll start.”  
All of the shoot’s staffs nodded and seemed to listen eagerly to whatever Keira was trying to instruct them to do. I just continued to watch her shine at what she was doing from a distance that my chest started pounding so loudly like an idiot.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“When she’s in full on professional mode, it just makes her more beautiful than she already is.”_  
“Namjoon hyung, why don’t you go up and say hi to her?”  
I blinked in surprise when Taehyung popped up beside me and asked me that question so meekly.  
“T-Taehyung-ah,”  
“Don’t just stand there now hyung, there wouldn’t be any harm in saying hi to her right?”  
Taehyung was right. If I don’t take the first step, am I just going to wait for Keira to do it? Especially when I was the one who wronged her? Taking a deep breath, I nodded at what he had to say and told him,  
“Thank you, Taehyung-ah.”  
“ _Fighting_ , Namjoon hyung!”  
As she was busy setting up her camera and other equipment, I then took the opportunity to go up to her even though I could feel my nerves getting the best of me with every step I took.  
 _“Act natural, Namjoon. Don’t mess this up. I beg you.”_  
I had to tell myself that again as soon as she was now just a few steps away from me. Calming myself down and switching to my professional mode, I managed to say,  
“It’s been a long while, hasn’t it Keira-ssi?”  
As soon as she then recognized my voice, Keira then stood up from her crouching position and observed me with her gray eyes before she replied with a formal smile forming on her lips,  
“It sure has been, Kim Namjoon-ssi. Who would’ve thought, right?”  
When I reached out my right hand for a friendly handshake, she didn’t hesitate to shake it with her right one too. It was as if the very memory of the day we had met back in Thailand came to life like a page from a story. Yet, _this handshake_ was the opposite of a friendly one. It felt like a handshake for two people who didn’t plan to meet each other ever again, but _fate_ of course had other plans.  
“We’ll be in your care once again, Keira-ssi.”  
“I could say the same thing to you as well, Namjoon-ssi.”

 _A little while later..._  
“An informal kind of white Christmas concept huh? Let’s try to make it work then.”  
As the shoot then began, Keira’s voice was the only one constantly echoing the whole room. She then talked first to her shoot’s assistants before she proceeded to call us one by one for the individual part of the shoot.  
“Taehyung-ssi, are you good to go?”  
The six of us then stared at Taehyung who nodded happily and approached the set excitedly more than usual.  
“The white suit really makes you look like a real life prince, Taehyung-ssi.”  
“Thank you, Keira noona! I can’t wait to work with you again just for today.”  
Keira just chuckled at Taehyung’s energetic response as she said while adjusting the lens of her camera next,  
“Likewise. Now, give me a few relaxed poses as if you’re excited to go to a Christmas party even if you had to be dressed up so formally.”  
“Roger that, noona.”  
That was the effect Keira had that made her one of the best back then and even now. Not only did she have the skills a pro needed to have in photography, but also her communication skills were just as impressive. She knew how to make whoever was standing in front of her camera feel comfortable and not awkward at all.  
 _“Smile for me, Namjoon-ssi!”_  
Even if she would take stolen photos, Keira knew what she wanted to take and she’d get it at the right moment, every single time.  
“Hmm, okay okay. Let’s switch it up. Now give me a dreamy look this time, Taehyung-ssi. Imagine if you’re going to spend that special day with someone special. What would your facial expression be? Got it?”  
“Yep, crystal clear as always Keira noona.”  
Seeing Keira in her work mode made me smile unknowingly. It felt nostalgic to see her shine at what she was doing best once again. Even back when we were still together, you just can’t find one reason not to feel at awe over her. It was already rare enough to find a woman who was captivating inside and out these days.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Keira-ssi is amazing as ever with what she does. Wouldn’t you think, Namjoon-ah?”  
Hoseok then whispered to me as he stood beside me while watching the shoot continue on.  
“She’d been always amazing, Hope-ah. I just realized that too late obviously.”  
“Namjoon-ah...”

“What do you think so far, Taehyung-ssi?”  
“I can’t wait to see how the photos are going to come out, Keira noona!”  
“Thank you for the hard work then.”  
“I should be the one saying that to you, noona.”  
After she finished with Taehyung’s individual shots, the shoot continued on without hitch. Keira wouldn’t hesitate to ask the guys for their comments and suggestions that it really felt like I was transported back to the time when she was still working under our label.  
 _“However she has more of a stronger aura around her now than before... an aura that could make anyone respect her and feel at home at the same time.”_  
“Ha~ it really feels awesome to have Keira noona behind the lens again.”  
“Good work out there, Taehyung-ah.”  
Taehyung then just told me with his usual boxy smile,  
“Namjoon hyung, I can’t wait to see the outcome of the photos of what Keira noona took!”  
And another thing that hadn’t changed was the fact that Taehyung was still just as much of a fanboy over Keira and her work that I couldn’t help but smile again.  
“Same here, Taehyung-ah.”

When it was my turn for the individual shoot, the two of us just retained our professional faces behind and in front of the camera.  
“Look up for me, Namjoon-ssi. Pretend as if you’re watching the snow fall from the sky.”  
Pretend as if I’m watching snow fall huh? For a weird reason, my heart almost throbbed at the memory of that winter day in Osaka by that bridge.  
 _*thump*_  
 _“My head really likes throwing those memories right in front of my face exactly right now huh?”_  
“Namjoon-ssi?”  
Snapping out of my troublesome thoughts on cue, I then had to ask,  
“Did I do anything wrong, Keira-ssi?”  
Keira just stared at me puzzlingly for a few seconds before she said,  
“Um, no? I was about to tell you I got the right shot just now and I wanna try a different pose this time. Is it okay?”  
Feeling my nerves relax, I just nodded in relief thinking before telling her,  
 _“To think I almost lost my focus right now just because I was thinking of nothing but the past while the woman in front of me was busy focusing on the present. Get a grip, Namjoon.”_  
“Sure, whatever you want to try, Keira-ssi. Let’s try it.”

As we then looked over the frames she had taken of me, the photos were really stunning already. Keira then asked me,  
“If you could choose the photos for your spread Namjoon-ssi, which do you want to use?”  
“Are you asking for my opinion then?”  
She nodded seriously behind those gray eyes of hers.  
“Of course. Just because I’m the photographer doesn’t mean my model’s opinions don’t matter to me.”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“She really is something else...”_  
“How about this then?”  
When I then pointed to the one photo that caught my eye the most, the one where I was pretending to look up as if there was falling snow, she just gave me a small smile saying,  
“It seems you still have an eye for picking out photos, Namjoon-ssi. Thank you for the hard-work just now.”  
As she then went back to her camera and continued the rest of the other members’ individual shots, I tried my damn hardest not to blush right now like a dork at what Keira had to say to me as I then took out my phone and secretly snapped a photo of her smiling behind the camera while thinking,  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“Damn it Keira... you really like catching me off guard, don’t you?”_

After the individual shoot, Keira then asked for a short interval break for everyone before we resumed for the unit shoot and the group shoot. Even in between breaks, I couldn’t easily approach her because if she wasn’t either being surrounded by the set’s staffs and assistants, she’s busy taking a call from her phone.  
“Looks like getting some alone time with her is going to be as good as impossible for now, Namjoon-ah.”  
“Seokjin hyung,”  
The oldest hyung just patted me on the back to reassure me as he said before the shoot finally was called back to resume,  
“You’ll get your chance, just don’t lose sight of that for now.”

 _More than an hour later,_  
“And I think we got it, now that’s a wrap everyone.”  
Right after Keira looked over the last batch of group photos, she nodded in approval and formally ended the photoshoot in a snap.  
“Thank you for the hard work everyone!”  
All seven of us then bowed politely in thanks for the set’s staffs for their hard work right now. Not to mention, after they also returned the thanks, the staffs and assistants then surrounded one woman and politely thanked her for her hard work too.  
“It’s been a pleasure to work with you, Miss Keira.”  
“We hope we can work together again with you soon.”  
“Thank you everyone. I’ve had a great time working with you today as well.”  
As she gave everyone a sincere smile and bow, I was surprised when I felt someone tug at the back of my suit saying,  
“Hey Namjoon-ah, it’s time.”  
“What?”  
Yet, I was too slow to react when the three maknaes then walked up to Keira as soon as the staffs and assistants exited the scene and it was safe enough to give her the bouquet of _peach and pink roses_.  
“Keira noona,”  
“Don’t forget about us too.”  
“Thank you for your hard work as always!”  
She could only stare in pure disbelief at the three youngsters who just exchanged smiles at each other as Taehyung then handed over the bouquet to her.  
“Y-You guys... this is...”  
Jimin and Jungkook then said to her with their usual childlike grins,  
“It’s just a little token of our appreciation to you, noona.”  
“And to say thank you for all the hard work you’ve been doing, noona.”  
Taehyung then finished up by saying,  
“Jeez, these two have already stolen what I wanted to say to you noona. But... yeah, just as much you had been supporting us Keira noona, even if we don’t work under the same label anymore, we’ll keep on supporting you always too.”  
Keira’s eyes were close to watering as she just wiped away the signs of dry tears on her eyes and gave the three a very heartfelt smile that it made my chest feel all warm and fuzzy while she held on tightly to the peach and pink roses bouquet in her hands.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“Keira...”_  
“Thank you guys. I hadn’t expected this at all, but thank you really. Let’s keep on working hard even if we’re apart, okay?”

When the rest of us were about to go up to her, Keira was then taken away by the magazine’s editor instantly.  
 _“What is it with the timing really?”_  
I thought to myself with a sigh before I was snapped back to reality when our manager’s voice then echoed saying,  
“Since the photoshoot ended right on time, you guys can rest up for a few more minutes before we head out for the next schedule.”  
As we then noticed that Keira was finally left alone, Yoongi then said to me,  
“Let’s go, Namjoon-ah.”  
Even if this was against my promise with Keira, I just took a deep breath before I followed the three members who then approached one woman herself.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“Why am I suddenly feeling nervous like a teenage boy? Damn it.”_  
However, those anxious thoughts of mine got washed away the moment Keira’s gray eyes looked at all of us with a slightly bewildered expression.  
“Thanks again and again for your hard work back there.”  
“We can’t wait to see how the photos are going to turn out.”  
“You’re really making a great name for yourself, Keira-ssi.”  
Seokjin, Yoongi, and Hoseok then said to her that it made her slightly flushed but very happy as the smile on her lips just turned brighter.  
“That means a lot coming from you, Seokjin oppa, Yoongi oppa, Hoseok-ssi.”  
The three of them then on cue stared at me with suspicious gazes.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“W-What?”  
“Well?”  
“Are you just going to stand there?”  
“And not say anything to Keira-ssi at all?”  
Their teasing really knows no bounds back then and even now. I then looked straight at Keira which made her slightly taken aback too as I just said as naturally as I could behind all my nerves,  
“Thanks for the hard work of course, Keira-ssi. I hope you don’t think that I broke our agreement or anything today just because of you coincidentally being the photographer for our shoot.”  
“Namjoon-ssi...”  
“An agreement huh?”  
“Are we missing something here or...?”  
Hoseok and Seokjin’s big mouths sometimes I swear. Keira just feigned a smile and shrug saying,  
“Thank you for the flowers but if we’re going to have this conversation, I’d rather excuse myself now.”  
The two then immediately apologized on cue right before our manager then started calling out for us.  
“Looks like your manager hyung is calling for you guys.”  
“We’ll head back now then Keira-ssi. Thanks for everything.”  
“We wish you the best and take care too okay? Come to one of our shows next time.”  
As Seokjin and Yoongi had left the scene first, my eyes then couldn’t help but turn a bit wide when Hoseok out of the blue went closer to Keira’s face and whispered something in her left ear before he grinned and waved goodbye to her as her cheeks quickly turned pink just like the roses.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“Shit, what did you tell her Hope-ah?”_  
Before she then knew it, it was only me who was left to stand in front of her now.  
“Keira-ssi,”  
As I was about to come up closer to Keira’s side, her gray eyes almost glared at me as if it was a signal to just stay where I was standing. Her voice then echoed my ears as she said audible enough for only the two of us could hear,  
“No, don’t come any closer Namjoon-ssi. Even the walls have eyes and ears, you know.”  
Pulling myself together, I just fixed my white suit’s coat and took a deep breath before I told her,  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Keira-ssi, let me just say one thing.”  
Holding on tightly to the bouquet, she just looked at me curiously with her gray eyes waiting for whatever I had to say.  
“Namjoon-ssi?”  
“Seeing you now right in front of me, in front of the camera, and behind the camera, I’m sure of it now, Keira-ssi.”  
“Sure of what exactly?”  
It felt at that exact moment that there were only two of us in the room and the surroundings just blurred all around us, except for her alone. Her standing so wonderfully while holding onto those peach and pink roses in her hands.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“I’m sure that after seeing you today, I will not let you go and give up on you ever again, Keira.”  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
As our gazes focused on each other’s, her gray ones on my brown ones, we just stared frozen at each other for a few more seconds before we were snapped back to reality by a familiar voice.  
“Namjoon-ssi! We should get going!”  
“...”  
“Looks like your manager hyung is calling for you already.”  
Clenching both of my hands, I just bowed politely to Keira before telling her lastly while turning my back at her,  
“Keira, I just think you should know that when I saw those pink roses in the flower shop, you reminded me so much of them. Not to mention...”  
“Not to mention?”  
“The way they mean admiration, it really suits the way I look at you through my eyes back then and even now.”  
“N-Namjoon-ssi... Wait...!”  
As I walked back to where the guys and our manager were waiting for me, I just snuck one more glance at Keira’s direction as her gray eyes just looked at me slightly shaking, maybe overwhelmed of what I had to say. But, of course, I meant every word I had to say to her just now.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“Don’t make it more difficult for me to turn around and wrap you around my arms when you give me those eyes of yours, Keira...”_  
“Namjoon-ah, did you say everything you want to say to Keira-ssi?”  
Hoseok asked me worriedly as we exit the set.  
“Not even close, Hope-ah. But I’m not going to give up now. Not ever again.”  
I just told him in all honesty while remembering that one woman’s smile lingering inside my head the rest of the remaining time ahead.

 _A little while later,_  
“So, where are we scheduled to go next manager hyung?”  
After changing back to our regular casual clothes, I was rummaging through my things to find something important but my heart started accelerating nervously when I then said,  
“Ah damn, I think I forgot my book back at the dressing room.”  
“Eh? Your book?”  
Taehyung asked as I nodded.  
“Yeah, I think I forgot to put it back in my bag before we left.”  
Our manager then suggested,  
“You want me to go back inside and fetch it for you instead, Namjoon-ssi?”  
“Ah no hyung, I don’t want to trouble you. I’ll be quick. And... that book is pretty important to me.”  
I then hurriedly boarded off the van while taking only my phone and wallet with me just in case.  
“Are you sure you don’t anyone of us to come with you, Namjoon hyung?”  
“Yeah, who knows if you’d lose your way too?”  
Jimin and Jungkook really like treating me as if I were a little kid when I’m technically older than both of them.  
“No need. I’ll be fine. I’ll get going now then.”  
As I waved goodbye to them, I then quickly ran back to the studio building to find that important book of mine.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“I still don’t know what other books you like Namjoon-ssi, but I hope you’ll take care of this one anyway.”_  
 _“I hope it doesn’t get lost... please...”_

“Thank goodness I didn’t lose you.”  
After finding my book I was looking for in our dressing room, I was now making my way back to our van.  
 _“Happy birthday again, Namjoon-ssi!”_  
The reason why I wanted to be the one to find the book was because it was given to me by no other than Keira herself back then. Right before things started tumbling down between the two of us.  
“I don’t know why but... every time I carry you around, it feels like you’re my good luck charm.”  
As my mind then went recalling the happy memory, my footsteps were then put to a stop on cue the moment I heard a familiar sounding voice echo in my ears from a distance near where I was.  
“It’s indeed important to me, but now... I don’t know... I don’t know how I should feel about it at the moment.”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“There could only be one owner of that voice I know far too well.”_  
Hurrying my footsteps, my eyes couldn’t stop shaking when I then found those ever mysterious gray eyes that could make my chest pound so loudly from the corner.  
“K-Keira...?”  
However as I was about to take another step, I had noticed she wasn’t talking to herself but rather, there was someone else standing a short distance in front of her.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“I-Isn’t that...”  
The tall and handsome young man was no other than a fellow idol I knew. He was from another group of course and entertainment agency. Their group is also going to be featured in the same issue where we’re going to be on the cover.  
“Do they know each other?”  
I asked myself as I just continued to watch them from the corner. And then I noticed a familiar looking pink pouch Keira was holding on her right hand.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“T-That pouch...”  
“U-Um well, thank you for picking this up for me. I’ll be excusing myself n—?!”  
As Keira was about to politely escape the sudden awkward situation she was in, my eyes turned so wide and my chest started pounding so audibly the second the young man then pulled back her right hand as he then asked her,  
“A-Are you perhaps, Miss Keira, the photographer?!”  
 _*thump* *thump* *thump*_  
 _“Namjoon-ah, what would happen if you saw with your own eyes Keira-ssi being with someone else? What would you do?”_  
My thoughts then echoed that one question from Hoseok, that one question he had asked me while we were back in Paris, right before Keira and I got reunited again. I had never paid due attention to that question of his until right here, right now.

And right then and there, my heart felt like it was being stabbed into a _thousand cuts_.

Keira then didn’t hesitate to ask him how he knew her name. The handsome boy just apologized first for grabbing her so abruptly and said shyly that he was surely surprised to see her in person. She couldn’t help but smile at his reaction that she replied,  
“No, no. There’s no need to apologize, you had helped me return my necklace. Remember?”  
“Miss Keira... I... I’m sorry...!”  
She froze the minute he just bowed politely to her lastly before making a run for the opposite direction.  
“A-Ah...! W-Wait...!”  
Still feeling confused of what just happened, Keira was about to run after him but next thing she and I knew it,  
“Keira-ssi,”  
“?!”  
My footsteps were fast enough to reach to her and gently pulled back her left arm just in time. The two of us just stood there frozen in our places for a few more minutes before Keira then turned around to face me with an unsettled expression written all over her gray eyes and face.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi?”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Don’t.”  
That was the only thing I could manage to say as I tightened my grip on her arm while trying not to let my composure crumble and let her see me feeling confused as she was right now.

“Um... can you please let go of my arm now, Namjoon-ssi?”  
Keira looked up at me and asked with her body growing a bit conscious of the sudden grip from my hand. Yet, I didn’t want to let her go since who knows what’s going to happen next.  
“If I’m going to let you go, how am I going to know you won’t just run off from me just like he did to you?”  
It really felt like I was wearing my heart now more on my sleeves lately, especially when I’m standing right in front of one woman alone.  
“This conversation won’t be going anywhere if you won’t listen to me, Namjoon-ssi!”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Keira-ssi...”  
Seeing how distressed she already was as she raised her voice at me, I just sighed and decided to let go of my hand’s grip on her arm saying,  
“Just know I’m only letting you go for now because I don’t want to cause trouble for you more than I already do, Keira-ssi.”  
She just looked at me a little bit indifferently and asked,  
“I didn’t think I’d still see you here. Didn’t you and the members already leave? Don’t tell me you forgot something again?”  
Even if Keira stared at me with a quite bothered expression, she really still knew me like the back of my hand even if she didn’t take notice of it.  
“I went back to find a book that’s important to me in our dressing room. I didn’t want to lose it.”  
Her eyebrows then relaxed a little at the simple mention of _‘books’_ as she said,  
“Looks like your love for books still hasn’t changed even now.”  
 _*thump*_  
“What if I tell you that the book I came back for was the _very same book_ that you gave to me back then?”  
“...”  
Keira felt tongue tied as she just stared blankly at me in silence. My gaze then went straight to the pink pouch she now holding tightly near her chest.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Just as you were taking care of the necklace, I’m also taking care of the things that have our memories too, Keira-ssi.”  
“Namjoon-ssi,”  
With our conversation heading for a sad turn now, I just tried to ask her next,  
“When are you heading back to Paris?”  
She blinked at the sudden change of pace of subject that she could only sigh and cross her arms this time in slight annoyance as she said,  
“No offense Namjoon-ssi, but isn’t that rather too personal for you to ask?”  
When Keira topped my question with another question, _I knew_. I knew she was still clearly mad. I knew she’d rather be anywhere else right now than to be stuck with me. However, even no matter how much she may have resented me in any way at the moment, my inner consciousness then didn’t stop me from what I was going to do next.  
“H-Hey...! W-What do you think you’re doing Namjoon-ssi?!”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“Just for a little while... just for a little while and I’ll let you go Keira...”_  
Without even minding if anyone would see us right now or not, my body just moved on its own as I then pulled Keira close to me before wrapping my arms around her. Her warmth that I had missed terribly.  
“S-Someone’s going to see us...!”  
“P-Please Keira, let’s just stay like this even for now. Please.”  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
No matter how many times she tried to push me away or punch me on the chest, it didn’t matter. _What mattered was she’s in my arms right this very second._ Her scent was more than enough to make me calm down. Just by having her in front of me made the long dark maze bearable once again.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“Namjoon-ah, what would happen if you saw with your own eyes Keira-ssi being with someone else? What would you do?”_  
 _“I finally have the real answer to what Hoseok had asked me all those weeks ago...”_  
“Keira-ssi, I know I have no right whatsoever to tell you this but... it hurts. I don’t know why my heart hurts at the sight of you so easily running off to another man’s arms. I never knew an ugly feeling like this could exist. K-Keira, please... please tell me if the two of us aren’t _fated_ to keep meeting like this, then what are we?”  
It didn’t take long for Keira to then say straight to my face with the most wry tone in her voice,  
“What are we? It’s simple Namjoon-ssi. We were fated to meet, but in the end, we were fated to fall apart. I was fated to fall in love with you and you were also fated to break my heart. We were both fated to have a sad ending from the beginning.”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“K-Keira...”  
Loosening my embrace around her, Keira didn’t bother to look at me right after as she just bowed politely to me before she then walked past me. As much as I wanted to run after her, to stop her, and to take her hand, I could only stand there feeling numb from head to toe because of Keira’s last words.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“We were both fated to have a sad ending from the beginning.”_  
And from that very point in time, I never knew I could hate the one word called _‘fated’_ so much... until now.

“Fuck... why do I keep messing up everything about the two of us, Keira?”

**  
 ** _Winter of 2019:_**  
 ** _Seoul, South Korea_**

 _A few days later..._  
“Finally~ filming is done and we have a rare 2 days day-off...”  
Taehyung stretched out his arms and said as he happily plopped down to the sofa in our waiting room. It was already late in the night after our filming for _Run **BTS**_ had finished. Ever since that photoshoot, I hadn’t seen or heard word from Keira.  
 _“What would have you expected Namjoon? The two of you miraculously seeing each other again and being okay in a snap?”_  
I was lost. I was lost because I didn’t know what to do at this point. I want to reach out to her, but I also don’t want to get in her way more than I already have. Not when she gives much such troubled expressions every time we meet now.  
“Haaa...”  
“Now that is one long sigh, Namjoon-ah.”  
“Just leave him be, Hoseok-ah. It’s pretty obvious he’s thinking about her again.”  
Our eldest hyung remarked with a slightly sarcastic tone as Hoseok just sat down by my side with a shrug.  
“Do you want something to drink? Or some _ramyeon_? We can get some on the way home!”  
“ _Ramyeon_?!”  
“Count us in too Hobi hyung!”  
Jimin and Jungkook’s cheerful tones also mixed with Hoseok’s simple way of cheering me up, my lips couldn’t help but form to a smile too because I know this was just their affectionate way of comforting me which was obviously working.  
 _“These guys really...”_  
“Fine, fine. I give up. Let’s all go back and have a _ramyeon_ party.”  
“Yes! Oh, Yoongi hyung! You have to come back too with us!”  
Yoongi just sighed with his usual exhausted expression saying,  
“Hope-ah, I’d rather go back to the apartment and sleep for the rest of the next 12 hours.”  
Taehyung then playfully said,  
“Eh? Even if we bring _soju_ and _samgyupsal_? You’re still not going to join us?”  
At the simple mention of alcohol and meat, Yoongi’s eyebrows then raised curiously as he said,  
“Hmm... now that sounds tempting indeed...”  
As the whole room turned relaxed and spirited, I was then taken aback when my phone started ringing.  
“Who the heck is calling you this late already, Namjoon-ah?”  
Hoseok asked as I could only look in pure surprise at the caller ID that then popped up.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“T-The PR team?”  
“What?! The PR team? Did something happen?”  
Seokjin’s worried voice made all of us look at each other in slight confusion. Taking a deep breath, I just said to them before pressing the answer call function on my phone,  
“Well, looks like there’s only one way to find out then.”  
 _*beep*_  
“Hello?”  
Then a slightly familiar voice then took over the call going,  
“Hello? Kim Namjoon-ssi? Is this you?”  
“A-Ah yes, it’s me speaking.”  
 _“Isn’t this voice...?”_  
“I’m sorry for calling you out of the blue. I don’t know if you still remember me but I’m Patricia by the way from the PR team.”  
Yep, it was no other than Patricia. She’s from the PR team and yes, she’s Keira’s closest friend back when she was still working for the company previously and even until now.  
 _“No wonder the voice sounded familiar...”_  
“Yes, I do remember you. Is something wrong? It’s rare of someone from the PR team to call me this late too.”  
And then,  
“H-Hey Patricia~ who are you calling huh? I-Is that your boyfriend?”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“T-That voice...”_  
I felt my heart perturb the moment I recognized that drunk voice anywhere. Patricia’s voice then overlapped saying loudly in response,  
“Hey! If you don’t keep your voice down, I’m going to call the police instead...!”  
“Um...?”  
“A-Ah, I’m sorry for that just now, my friend here can really be a wreck when she’s drunk. Anyway, Kim Namjoon-ssi, there’s something you should know.”  
My eyes then couldn’t stop shaking at what she had to ask me next on cue that I stood up quickly from the sofa while the rest of the members flinched at my sudden change of expression.  
“N-Namjoon-ah?”  
“Is something wrong hyung?”  
“Why do you look so startled right now?”  
Putting my phone down, I just said to them,  
“Guys, I can’t have the _ramyeon_ party right now.”  
Taehyung then asked back worriedly,  
“Namjoon hyung? Is everything alright?”  
As a new message appeared on my phone with an address, I just closed my eyes for a moment while recalling Patricia’s words inside my head before saying,  
 _“I know she’s going to hate me for what I’m about to do, but... will you take care of Keira for me right now?”  
*thump* *thump*_  
“I’m sorry but I need to go to where Keira is right now, guys.”

 _An hour later:_  
“Mmm... so warm...”  
I don’t know how I found myself carrying one woman in my arms, but I couldn’t help but smile at her charming mumblings especially when she’s drunk. It reminded me of that one special summer.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“O-Of course! J-Just because you still have someone else in your heart now doesn’t mean I can’t shut off my budding feelings for you...!”_  
“You haven’t changed your drinking habits at all, Keira...”  
Not to mention, what happened the second I arrived at the restaurant lingered inside my head next.  
“How long has she been drunk then?”  
I asked Patricia on cue as she just gave me a rather long sigh and told me with a small smile,  
“Been a while now. I’m sorry if I had to call you all of a sudden too, Namjoon-ssi. I had no one else to call since I don’t know if she had any relatives living in the area, and I would have taken her back to my place but my parents are staying with me while they’re vacationing in Seoul this winter.”  
The two of us just continued to gaze at the drunk version of Keira who was fast asleep with signs of dry tears all over her face.  
“No, it’s okay. I’ll take care of her from here on out.”  
“Are you sure?”  
As Patricia was still hesitant of whether it was okay to leave her friend with me or not, the two of us were startled when Keira’s voice then started mumbling with a hint of sobs going,  
“I... It just hurts... my heart just hurts so much... w-why... why does this keep happening to me? W-Why...?”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Keira...”  
I almost lost it when newly formed tears then started streaming down her eyes even when they were closed.  
“She’s had a quite long day Namjoon-ssi. That’s why, please do take care of her for me. She’s already going to hate me so much for calling you, don’t make me regret it. Okay?”  
Patricia looked at me with pure concern meant for her one dear friend all over her face. It felt like it was _out of concern and a threat too_ in case I go back on my word. Yet, just as much as she was worried for Keira, I was too.  
“Yes. You can count on me. I’ll take care of Keira.”  
She just gave me a relieved smile as she then handed over Keira’s handbag to me saying,  
“I’m leaving the rest and Keira to you then.”

“No wonder they’re close friends even until now.”  
I thought to myself with a smile too as Keira’s eyes then slowly started to open up while she said hoarsely,  
“H-Hmm...? A-Am I... A-Am I going to be okay?”  
Without hesitation, I just kissed her on the top of her head saying,  
“Go back to sleep, love. You’ll be okay. I won’t leave your side.”  
Keira just nodded innocently before she instantly drowsed back to slumber and said so nonchalantly while snuggling herself closer to my chest as I tightened my grip that was busy carrying her.  
“Y-You almost sound and smell like him... w-why does it always have to be him... _w-why does it always have to be you... K-Kim Namjoon..._ ”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“K-Keira...”  
As I then felt a bit of my shirt going wet in the chest area, I then knew. I knew then and there, those were Keira’s tears on my shirt. Even when she was sleeping, I still made her cry. _And that absolutely broke me on the inside_. It made me feel like absolute shit that I could only keep on cursing myself.  
 _“Who knew... not even saying sorry is enough to make your tears go away then... Keira...”_

As soon as I entered my apartment, I then carried her to the bedroom and gently laid her down on my bed and covered her with my bed’s blankets. It was already way past 2am when I looked at the clock’s time.  
“Damn, it’s this late already huh?”  
With a slight yawn, I just sat down on the side of the bed while watching Keira’s sleeping face. It still felt unimaginable that she was really here in front of me. She was so near that I could touch her face and feel her warmth.  
“Keira... what do I have to do? What do I have to do to make you forgive me?”  
My right hand then unknowingly went straight to touch and caress her slightly hot cheeks.  
“Hmm... so warm...”  
She whispered as she wriggled on the bed. I just chuckled at her reaction as if I was reminded of that same time in Phuket when she was drunk too and asked me to fetch her camera instead of sleeping.  
“Sleep, Keira my love. Go back to dreaming happy dreams that you deserve.”  
With a nod and sheepish smile, she snuggled on the blanket before drifting back to sleep. I just planted a small kiss on her forehead and wiped the signs of tears from her face before leaving the room and letting her sleep in peace as I headed for the living room to rest.

_A little while later..._

I was reading a book while lying down on the sofa in my living room when I then heard a soft voice coming from my room. It could only mean one thing.  
 _“Looks like she’s awake then,”_  
Silently making my way to the room, I peeked first if I was just hearing things or not but was surprised to see such a confused look in her gray eyes as she scanned where she was asking,  
“W-Where am I?”  
Taking a deep breath to myself first, I then took a step forward and entered Keira’s line of sight saying,  
“You’re at my place right now, Keira-ssi.”  
The moment we found each other’s gazes, she just looked at me as if she was hallucinating or dreaming or both.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi?”  
As soon as she snapped back to reality after mentioning my name, she was about to hurriedly take off the blankets and get off the bed yet, I moved more quickly than her and managed to stop her by gently pushing her shoulders back to lie down on the bed.  
“Not so fast, Keira-ssi.”  
However,  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“D-Damn it... don’t look at me like that right now...”_  
“...”  
“...”  
The two of us were then put in a weird position as our eyes, _both gray and brown_ , were clearly reflected in each other’s from the close proximity of our faces and I could hear both of our heartbeats echoing along with the sound of the clock’s ticking.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
“I... I know you’re surprised and all by why you’re here and how, but you need to stay in bed for now until you’ve properly sobered up. Look, you’re still red.”  
Even if she was still really puzzled of why she had to be here of all places, I just placed my hand on her forehead to check her temperature and it still felt a bit hot. Not to mention, her cheeks were still flushed for some reason as she said sheepishly,  
“But I feel okay now though...”  
 _*thump*  
“Not now, you sensitive heart.”_  
“That’s what you say when you don’t feel okay though Keira-ssi, don’t you think I know you better than that?”  
“Namjoon-ssi...”  
Keira just gave me a slightly worried look in her gray eyes that it made my chest feel all weird for some reason. A good kind of weird. The effect where she was the only one capable of doing to me.  
 _*thump*  
“Breathe, Namjoon. Just breathe.”_  
“I’ll be right back. I’ll go get you a glass of water and some medicine to drink.”  
I caressed Keira’s right cheek for a short moment before excusing myself out of the room before she could notice I was slowly losing my cool in front of her. Again.

“Shit... that was close...”  
While I was pouring water for her in the glass and put an aspirin tablet in a small plate for her to take, it felt like what was happening right now was more of a dream for me than it is for her. A few weeks ago, our reunion just tumbled down the drain. A few days ago, we separated again on a sad note and _look at where we are now._  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“It’s like fate is trying to mock me and test me all over again but this time... I refuse to let her slip away from me again.”_  
Shaking my head off from those troubling thoughts, I then carried the glass of water and the medicine back to where she was.

“Shit, Patricia you traitor! Don’t tell me you were the one who called him?!”  
As I was about to enter, Keira’s quite annoyed voice then echoed my hearing that I couldn’t help but smile. I just told her as I stepped in,  
“Instead of making your headache worse because of your hangover, drink this for now. It’ll help.”  
As I then sat by the side of the bed and handed over the glass of water and aspirin tablet to her, she nodded and gave me a small smile before taking the glass and medicine.  
“Thank you, Namjoon-ssi.”  
Keira then curiously asked if there was anybody around aside from myself in the apartment. I just told her,  
“No, nobody else is around. It’s just me. The guys and I have all of our own places now, Keira-ssi.”  
“I see...”  
I looked at the clock and it was already past 4 in the early morning. Keira’s eyes were slowly fluttering too because she still needed more rest at the moment.  
“You go back to sleep now, Keira-ssi.”  
Feeling her exhaustion sneaking in, she just looked at me and said so sincerely with those gray eyes of hers,  
“Thank you again, Namjoon-ssi. I hope I’m not troubling you so much.”  
 _*thump*  
“She’s really making it hard for me to not touch her and just wrap her around my arms. Again.”_  
Before I knew it, I moved closer to her and made my lips touch her forehead that it made her slightly surprised of my sudden action as I just told her lastly,  
“Don’t hesitate to call out to me if you need anything. Get some sleep now, okay?”  
As I watched Keira drowse back to sleep, I just turned off the lights in the room and closed the door behind me slowly as I whispered while glancing lastly at her peacefully sleeping face from a distance,  
“Good night my love.”

_Later that same morning..._

It was the first time I had slept on the sofa in the living room. I fell asleep too as soon as I saw Keira fall asleep in my room. I woke up around past 8 in the morning, took a quick shower and checked on my bonsai plants before deciding to go to the kitchen and make breakfast in case she wakes up soon.  
“Hmm... what should be easy for an amateur cook like me to even make huh?”  
Remembering what our eldest hyung would make for us usually during breakfast, I then grabbed my phone and searched for easy pancake recipes.  
“Oh, looks simple enough. I can do this.”  
Well, even after almost an hour of trying, it looks like I wasn’t really cut out for cooking and should’ve just ordered breakfast on delivery. And then around past 9 in the morning,  
“Namjoon-ssi?”  
It really felt like a dream to hear her voice echo not in my head, but inside my very apartment itself. It slightly made my heart beat loudly.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
 _“So this is how it feels like to hear Keira’s voice inside my place huh...”_  
“In the kitchen, Keira-ssi.”  
As soon as her light footsteps then arrived at the kitchen, our gazes caught each other’s in a snap. _Like it was just the most natural thing in the world._ Even if she was still dressed in her dress yesterday and her hair was disheveled a little, she still looked so beautiful in my own eyes.  
“Good morning. Are you feeling better now?”  
“Yeah, thank you...”  
She just nodded as if trying to hide her slight embarrassment of the current situation.  
“Do you have anything you want for breakfast? I’m trying to or more like tried to make pancakes but... why am I not getting it right though?”  
Keira’s eyes then turned wide at what I had to say as she asked,  
“Eh? You’re cooking? P-Pancakes? Really?”  
Before I could even catch a breath, she then approached me and stared straight at the bowl I was trying to mix the ingredients with.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“K-Keira-ssi?”  
“Can you fetch me a new bowl and more of the pancake mix and eggs, Namjoon-ssi?”  
Now it my turn to look puzzlingly at her.  
“Eh? Y-Yeah, I can and still have some extra but why all of a sudden?”  
Keira just gave me her usual carefree smile, the first carefree smile that I had missed all of this time, saying while pulling back her hair into a short messy bun without even using a hair tie,  
“I’m going to save the pancakes, Namjoon-ssi.”  
And just with by those simple choice of words, Keira managed to _capture my heart_ and _made me fall in love with her_ all over again.

“You know... your staring is really obvious.”  
While she was busy mixing all of the ingredients together in the bowl with such ease, Keira found my brown eyed gaze and felt a bit flustered at how I haven’t taken my eyes off of her even once.  
“So? Didn’t I tell you before that there’s nothing wrong with me staring at someone I want to?”  
Our gazes just locked into each other’s for a few seconds before she resumed to making the pancakes saying,  
“Looks like I almost forgot too of how much you were a charismatic smooth talker back then, and even right this very moment, Namjoon-ssi.”  
I then replied to her without hesitation,  
“No matter how much cliche this sounds, but I don’t mind being a charismatic sweet talker only for you Keira-ssi.”  
“Namjoon-ssi, that’s foul play. Remind me again when did you become such a sweet talker?”  
It slowly felt like the awkwardness between us was melting away just like the butter she then opened up before turning on the electric stove.

“Who knew you were such a natural cook huh, Keira-ssi?”  
We now found ourselves sitting across from each other on the kitchen counter as we ate the pancakes she had prepared in a snap. Keira just let out a cute chuckle saying,  
“Not to burst your bubble Namjoon-ssi, but pancakes are the easiest breakfast menu anyone can cook.”  
“Not me though.”  
Passing the maple syrup and butter to me, she just said,  
“You’re one of the rarest exceptions to that rule, Namjoon-ssi.”  
 _*thump*_  
I know she had meant that without any context at all, but my heart couldn’t help but feel a beat skip at the nostalgic witty reply.  
 _“Keira, you’re really... you really have no idea of how much you’re affecting me right now... damn it...”_  
However, the scene then on cue turned quiet again as we just resumed eating in silence as the clock’s ticking and the sounds of our knives and forks were the only ones echoing in the room.  
“Namjoon-ssi...”  
“Is something wrong?”  
A few minutes after the strange silence, Keira then puts down her knife and fork back on the placemat and looked at me with a concerning look taking over her gray eyes next.  
“First things first, I just want to know if you were the one who carried me all the way from the restaurant to your place here?”  
For some reason, I couldn’t just lie. I couldn’t lie to her whenever she gives me such an honest gaze. The same gaze she’d given me back when we had met in Paris those weeks ago.  
“Yes, I was. Don’t worry, no suspecting people had followed me, if that’s what you’re worried about.”  
“That’s... that’s not it. Why... why did you bring me here of all places? What if a paparazzi had recognized you even no matter how late it was?”  
Judging from how Keira’s voice is slowly turning loud, I could sense she was just plainly worried. _Worried for my own sake again before her own.  
*thump* *thump*_  
 _“Wasn’t she the one who told me not to worry about each other again? And now...”_  
“Keira-ssi, you don’t have to be worried about me. I just did what I had wanted to do. And that was to take care of you. I know for a fact that you don’t have any relatives here in Seoul. Not to mention, I had no idea what hotel you were staying at, so I just took you here.”  
The two of us just continued to stare straight into each other’s eyes without faltering as I just added in all honesty,  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“I’m just relieved that I was able to do something right for once for you.”  
“Namjoon-ssi...”  
As the conversation was slowly turning tense, I just finished my glass of orange juice before I said with a slight chuckle trying to lighten up the atmosphere,  
“Your drinking habits haven’t changed at all even now, Keira-ssi.”  
“J-Jeez... don’t even. It’s already embarrassing enough and you had to mention it again.”  
My lips turned to a small relieved smile at how our conversation was now less tense.  
“To think even Patricia raised the white flag in trying to handle your drunk self,”  
“H-Hey...! Like you can talk too...! Remember when you got drunk a few days before we were scheduled to go back to Seoul and I—-?”  
As soon as we found each other’s gaze, we instantly looked away almost blushing of where the subject of our current conversation was going. We were like two teenagers getting flustered over the accidental mention of our past together. Yet,  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“K-Keira... you really had to go there...”_  
“K-Keira-ssi,”  
“A-Ah, never mind. I’ll just help you with cleaning up now, Namjoon-ssi.”  
When I was about to say something, Keira quickly stood up from her seat and started to pick up the used plates and utensils as if she was trying to distract herself or simply she just wanted to cut off where our conversation was going. To avoid hurting herself. To avoid hurting me. _To avoid hurting us._  
 _“S-Shit... what am I even doing? I told myself I don’t want to let her go again and now, I can’t even say anything back to her.”_  
And right at that very moment, I had to let go of my current fears if I had wanted to change things between Keira and I. If this was the last chance I was given to make things right between us, I have to show her and tell her.  
“Namjoon-ssi, if you have your schedules today, I can always—?!”  
Without even hesitating anymore, I then approached Keira from behind her as she was busy trying to wash the dishes. I then wrapped my arms around her small waist that it made her flinch obviously and when she was about to glance back at me and face me, I said before pressing our lips together,  
“I’m not going to hold back anymore,”  
“M-Mmm... N-Namjoon-ssi... n-no, we can’t...!”  
Keira tried to push me away by punching me on my chest, but I refused to let her go. Not now. Not ever again.  
“Fuck Keira, I’m not going to let you go.”  
She just looked at me with a dazed gaze all over her gray eyes as I then whispered something in her ever sensitive ears that immediately turned red at the breath of my voice.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
“Sssh, I’m not going anywhere. Now hold on tight to me, baby.”  
As I made her sit up on the kitchen counter, the two of us continued where we left off that it made the pancakes taste the damn sweetest I’ve ever tasted in my life.

But of course, the sweetest taste I’ve had was right in front of me. And as she stared at me with those _forever_ _beguiling gray eyes of hers_ , I was more than ready to take it from the kitchen counter right straight to my bedroom as our lips and bodies didn’t part from each other’s even at least once right after.

 _A few hours later..._  
After the rather unexpected turn of events that happened, I just stared lovingly at Keira’s sleeping face as her head was resting all snuggled up on my chest as I covered her bare body with the rest of my bed’s blanket.  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“Namjoon-ah, do you really... do you really still love me?”_  
I still could recall how her beautiful gray eyes turned all teary eyed when she had asked me that one question. It made my heart and entire body quiver and feel as if it was being squeezed so tight.  
“Keira... I... I’m sorry for not telling you... _I love you..._ I love you so much even if it hurts... I love you so damn much even if I know I don’t deserve to...”  
I told her in soft whispers while I watched her breathings go up and down and started caressing the back of her hair and her still rosy colored cheeks.  
 _*ring* *ring*_  
I was then stunned when my phone started ringing on the nightstand right beside my bed. As I looked at the caller ID, I knew I had to answer it.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“D-Damn, he really knows when to call at the right moment back then and even now.”  
“H-Hmm? N-Namjoon-ah?”  
Wriggling on the bed, Keira’s eyelids then slowly opened as she was about to look up at my face but before she could, I just kissed both of her eyelids saying,  
“Sleep, my love. I’ll just take this call or else I won’t hear the end of it the next time we see each other.”  
She just nodded in an adorable way before going back to sleep as I gently let her head rest on the pillow this time as I scooted off of the bed to answer my phone that had been ringing nonstop.

“Hello?”  
“Hey! Kim Namjoon! What took you so long to answer? We’ve been worried sick!”  
Seokjin’s voice then loudly echoed on the other line. He really knows when to call at the perfect timing, huh?  
“I’m sorry, Seokjin hyung. It’s just that so much had happened.”  
He just sighed and asked on cue,  
“Keira-ssi’s still in your place right this very second huh?”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
He wasn’t the group’s oldest hyung for nothing. Kim Seokjin really had a sense for things like this.  
“Yes she’s still here, Seokjin hyung.”  
It took a few seconds of silence before he then followed up asked,  
“Is she okay then, Namjoon-ah? I hope you’re taking care of her and not taking advantage of the fact that she’s drunk too.”  
“Jeez hyung, do you really think I’m capable of doing that?”  
He just told me sarcastically next,  
“Oh please Namjoon-ah, you can’t fool me. The guys and I all know you’re completely the most logical one out of the seven of us, but it becomes the complete opposite when it’s Keira-ssi’s who is involved.”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Hyung,”  
I know that tone, it was Seokjin’s rare worried tone. I know he’s just trying to look out for me and the guys most of the time since he’s the oldest and all, but I feel a bit guilty for making him and the others worried again.  
“Be sure not to feed Keira-ssi anything weird. And just... be by her side Namjoon-ah. It’s the least you can do after everything right?”  
My lips just turned to a relieved smile as I nodded at what he had to say lastly before hanging up the call.  
“I will. Thank you hyung. For everything, really.”

 _A little while later,_  
As I laid out a change of my clothes and an extra towel for Keira to change into in case she woke up and wanted a bath, I also prepared the bathtub too so she wouldn’t feel troubled. After that call with Seokjin, I took a brisk shower and went to my study room right after I changed clothes.  
 _“And just... be by her side Namjoon-ah. It’s the least you can do after everything right?”_  
My hands then unknowingly went to grab a familiar journal where I used to write lyrics before. I then turned to a certain page and turned on my computer to find another certain file.  
 ** _For: Keira._**  
I was already more than a year late, but is this the right time I tell her? Or am I just getting way too ahead of myself thinking that we’re both okay now and she had forgiven me?  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Should I tell her once and for all?”  
As I then opened the file of one very familiar photo that was now flashing on my computer’s screen, my heart just throbbed at that one woman’s ever sincere smile behind the gray eyes underneath that nostalgic sunset summer sky.  
“Namjoon-ssi, can I come in?”  
When I heard Keira’s voice echo from behind the door, I had no reason not to let her in.  
“Come in, Keira-ssi.”  
“Excuse me then.”  
However, the very moment she stepped into my study room, I almost had to catch my breath as I couldn’t avert my gaze away from her like a fool.  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“S-Shit...”_  
Seeing Keira in my hoodie that was just so big on her that it almost looked like a mini dress when she was the one wearing it and her hair that was still a bit wet after her bath, I had to get a better grip on myself even if she was really making it so damn hard for me over on repeat.  
“Can we talk please, Namjoon-ssi?”  
“...”  
“Namjoon-ssi?”  
I hadn’t noticed that I was only staring blankly at her that Keira had to snap me out a few times by calling out my name.  
“Namjoon-ssi!”  
“A-Ah, sorry. Got lost in thought just now.”  
Her gray eyes then turned a bit sadden as she asked,  
“Is something wrong, Namjoon-ssi?”  
Shit. Did I make her unnecessarily worried again for no reason? Trying to hide the heat that was going straight to my cheeks on cue, I just told her,  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“K-Keira, I’m going to be honest with you. I just can’t take my eyes off of you right now, especially since you’re in my clothes too. It’s really making me distracted.”  
She just blinked innocently and asked,  
“Eh? Do I look weird in them then?”  
Is she kidding me? It took every rational cell in my body not to carry her back to my room and pounce on her and kiss her.  
“For fuck’s sake Keira, don’t give me such a pure look right now with those eyes of yours. It’s... it’s making me real weak right now.”  
“Namjoon-ssi...”  
The two of us just looked straight at each other’s gazes as I said,  
“You look really good in my clothes, Keira. I’m honestly stopping myself from hugging you right now.”  
But for an odd reason, Keira’s expression then turned grim as she then gripped tightly onto the bottom of my hoodie she was wearing. I then knew she was worried about something.  
“Keira, you turned quiet. Did I say something wrong?”  
I quickly stood up from my chair and approached her. Placing my hand on top of her head, she just looked up at me with a concerned expression as I just told her,  
“If I said something wrong, you can tell me. Tell me whatever is bothering you, Keira.”  
“I... I just can’t anymore...!”  
Before I knew it, tears then started streaming down her beautiful face as she then made a run for it.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“K-Keira...!”  
It was as if I had seen this scene before but now, I refuse to just stand here dumbfounded and not chase after her unlike in the past.

“Keira...”  
I expected her to run out of the apartment but she just ended up running straight to my room and continued crying and sniffling on top of the bed while hugging both of her knees. I without hesitation walked up to her and sat on the side of the bed and caressed the back of her head to calm her down asking,  
“Keira, love, why are you crying? Is it because of me? Did I do or say something wrong? Please... please don’t shut me out and tell me.”  
It hurts so damn much every time I see her cry. Most especially if I was the reason why she had sad tears all over her face which she doesn’t deserve. I’d rather see her smile and give me an annoyed expression than her heartbroken tears any day.  
“I... it’s just... you’re giving me reasons to love you again Namjoon-ssi... and... and it just hurts... it really hurts.”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“K-Keira...”  
I was speechless at what I just heard with my own two ears. Yet, no matter how much speechless I still was, I just said to her,  
“Keira, love, look at me. Please.”  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
As she listened on cue and looked at me with tears still evident all over her face, I just gently wiped them away with my fingers and opened up my arms for her saying,  
“If you want a shoulder to cry on, my arms are more than welcome for you my love. _Only for you._ ”  
Without second thoughts, she then wrapped her arms tightly around my neck as she continued sobbing like a little girl in my embrace. I just hugged her tightly and took in the scent of the woman I love and patted her on the back of her head and shaking back.  
“Just let it all out Keira, just let it all out. I’m here.”  
“I... I know I said we should both move on... but... but the truth is... I still love you a whole lot N-Namjoon-ssi... even if it hurts... I... I really do still love you...”  
 _*thump* *thump* *thump*_  
“Keira...”  
 _I still love you._ Those words. Those very words I never thought I’d get to hear again from her lips and mouth. My heart started beating so loudly as I tightened my embrace around her that my eyes were also close enough to tearing up.  
“B-But... I’m sorry... I’m sorry Namjoon-ssi...”  
Her tone then went all apologetic that it made me nervous of where the conversation was going this time. Is she going to take back what she said? Will I be able to survive what’s she going to say to me next?  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Keira, baby, why are you apologizing? It should be me who needs to apologize for everything that I’ve done to you. To us.”  
Slowly releasing her arms around my neck, Keira just gazed at my brown eyes with her ever sincere looking gray eyes and a small smile forming on her lips as she shook her head. She then gently grabbed both of my hands while letting a few teardrops drop down on our hands saying,  
“N-No. Honestly... two of us made mistakes Namjoon-ssi. A relationship takes two people, remember? A relationship... never lets one shoulder all the burden by himself or herself... right?”  
“K-Keira...”  
As I was about to say something, she stopped me and continued on.  
“We can’t erase what had happened in our past. But... we can’t let the past ruin what’s going to happen now and in the future. That’s why... I want to be honest with you from here on out.”  
My eyes then couldn’t stop shaking when she then pulled out a familiar _golden necklace_ from the hoodie’s pocket.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“K-Keira, you...”  
“Just as much as you were honest to me now Namjoon-ssi, I’m going to return that honesty too.”  
“What do you mean, Keira?”  
Keira just gave me a smile again while delicately holding on to the necklace that holds a lot of meaning for the both of us as she then said to me so genuinely,  
“I love you, Namjoon-ssi. _I love you_ , that’s why I have to let go of you once and for all.”  
 _*thump* *thump* *thump*_  
“Keira,”  
“When you told me _‘I love you’_ for the first time in years, it felt like my heart could finally settle down. It felt like I could finally let you go for real. It felt like I could convince myself that forgiving you was really a right decision in the end.”  
I don’t know how to feel exactly at that very second. Yes, our feelings for each other were still mutual but things weren’t aligning.  
“Keira, why do you insist of letting me go when we both feel the same way for each other still?”  
She just shook her head again and told me with another genuine smile,  
“Because even if we still feel the same way for each other, _it doesn’t mean getting back together is the answer_ , Namjoon-ssi. We take a step forward and never backward, right?”  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“Ah... I see now.”_  
I was reminded again of the reason why I love this woman in front of me very much. It was her ever sincere honesty that hadn’t changed. _Her greatest strength_ that shed a light to my dark days, back then and even now.  
“Keira, if that’s what you want... I’m going to respect it. _Because I love you_. Because that’s of course what you would do for someone you love too with all you have, right?”  
As she nodded with the same sincere smile still shining over her face, I just wrapped my arms around her once again and this time she didn’t hesitate to return my embrace as well. Small tears were now slowly forming around my eyes as she then said,  
“Namjoon-ah, remember what you had told me back when we met again at Paris?”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“About what, Keira?”  
The next words that then came out of Keira’s lips then caught me by surprise as I felt her wet tears on my shirt saying,  
“I always believed that we were two people who fell in love, but _fate_ of course decided to cheat on us, Namjoon-ssi.”  
“Keira...”  
As I then saw the familiar golden necklace glimmering from her hand, I then carefully took it and wrapped it around her neck and pressed a kiss on the charm before the two of us just continued to embrace each other in the silence along with the sound of the clock’s ticking. Yet, it didn’t feel uncomfortable at all because at that exact point in time, Keira found me once again in the endless dark maze and held onto my hand and _it felt like my paradise came back._

_**My paradise which was her all along.** _

_A long while later..._  
After I let Keira cry herself to the point she exhausted herself from opening her heart up to me again and we finally had the closure that we both deserved after all this time, I scooted over next to her on my bed.  
“N-Namjoon-ah...”  
“Sssh, don’t worry about anything anymore. Let’s just focus on today.”  
I kissed her on top of her hair. The scent now smelled just like the shampoo I used. Mixed with her scent that could intoxicate me.  
“Namjoon-ah, can I hug you again?”  
I thought she’d never ask. Peeking at her still obviously swollen face from her tears, I then wrapped my arms around her small waist and kissed her forehead this time.  
“You don’t have to ask me twice, Keira. I love you.”  
She blushed shyly and just gave me a sheepish smile as she laid her head again on my chest as we hid under the bed sheets and continued to just hug each other in silence.  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“I still love you Namjoon-ssi, but I have to let go of you once and for all...”_  
The way her gray eyes have always been honest to a fault back then and even now. I don’t know where our relationship will go from here on forth, but if this is the last chance I’ll get to hug her and feel her and kiss her in my arms, then I’ll take it. _What do I have to lose more than I already did, right?_  
“Your heartbeat is so calming even when it’s beating so fast, Namjoon-ah.”  
“Is that so? Because I didn’t think I’d get to hug you so closely again like this. That’s why, it’s weird... it’s weird for me to tell you I’m getting nervous.”  
She then looked up at me that our faces were only millimeters apart from each other.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“You nervous? I guess there’s a first time for everything then.”  
“Ah, hush. I’m only human. When I get to embrace the woman I love again, of course I’d get nervous.”  
“Namjoon-ah...”  
I moved closer that as soon as our noses touched, my lips reached hers without hesitation. Her cherry colored lips were soft and delicately perfect in every way.  
“I don’t know how much time we have, but can we stay like this for the rest of the day, Keira?”  
Her gray eyes softened before a few tiny drops of tears streamed down her face as she said,  
“A-Are you sure, Namjoon-ah?”  
Leaning my forehead on hers, I just wiped gently the tears on her face and cupped her cheeks saying,  
“I’ve never been more sure of anything, Keira. Let’s just enjoy each other’s company even if this is the last time, okay?”  
She just nodded and moved her face closer to mine this time around and gave me a quick peck on the lips.  
“If you’ll have me then.”  
Keira’s voice sounded so much like an angel but the alluring glimmer in her gray eyes were of a little devil. Without holding back anymore, I kissed her again. More forcefully this time that a soft moan then escaped her lips.  
“A-Aaah... N-Namjoon-ah... m-mmm...”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
I’ll never get tired of hearing and seeing her so entranced for me because she had that same effect on me ever since. When I saw her again for the first time in a long time at her exhibit in Paris, _I couldn’t even believe how beautiful she had looked._ Even when I knew that I didn’t deserve to see her or approach her, I couldn’t stop myself from gravitating towards her in the end.  
“S-Shit Keira, don’t do this to me...”  
As her legs then wrapped around my legs and my arms started caressing her delightful skin, my primal senses took the best of me next.  
“H-Haaaaa... N-Namjoon-ah, I...”  
I could feel her tight grip on my hair as I planted kisses on every part of her body that I loved. From her facial features, to her neckline that was slowly sweating, to her ever sensitive ears, she’d let out a pleasured shriek every single time.  
“Don’t be shy baby, it’s just you and me... here, let me kiss you more and more.”  
“N-Namjoon-ah... m-mmm...”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
I would shut her up with my lips and her tongue was more than welcome to come in contact with mine. Damn, this woman was driving me wild that my body was getting hotter than usual. We were now sweating from all the kissing that I then whispered lowly on her still beet, red left ear,  
“D-Do you want this my love?”  
“Y-Yes... please... I-I need you...”  
Those were the only key words I needed as I then took off my hoodie that she was wearing.  
“Hmm... I don’t think I’ll wash this hoodie ever again,”  
“W-Weirdo...”  
I then claimed her soft lips with mine once again as I then unhooked her bra within seconds.  
“H-Haaaa... you’re beautiful, baby...”  
“A-aaah... n-no... N-Namjoon-ah...”  
I proceeded next to teasingly kiss and bite her fine pair of goddesses. She instantly flinched as she wrapped her arms this time around my neck and her whole body responded. I kissed her lips again at the response.  
“F-Fuck Keira, h-how are you so beautiful?”  
“H-Haaaa... w-wait... s-shit...”  
After tracing my lips on her chest, most especially on the part where the _necklace’s charm was_ , I moved downward and like a tease planted pecks on her stomach, to the sides of her thighs, ending towards the front view of her cycling shorts.  
“You don’t need these anymore my love...”  
Taking off her cycling shorts, I then pecked the front side of her underwear that it made Keira let out a quick groan.  
“F-Fuck N-Namjoon-ah... d-don’t...!”  
“You smell so sweet even down here... shit...”  
Sliding it off of her in a snap, her voice grew louder the second I inserted three of my fingers inside of her most sensitive spot.  
“A-aaah...! N-Namjoon-ah...!”  
“S-Shit Keira...!”  
As my fingers swirled inside of her, her legs and hips whimpered in bliss of where things were heading. Even I couldn’t feel the pain on my hair while she was pulling on to it so hard as she continued moaning.  
“F-Faster N-Namjoon-ah...”  
“As you wish baby.”  
Taking off my fingers inside of her, my mouth then did the next move and found entrance to her clit. God, she was so sweet and stimulating at the same time indeed. If this is the last time I’m going to make love to her, I’m going to be more exerting.  
“A-aaah...! A-aaah...! F-Fuck Namjoon-ah...!”  
“F-Fuck, K-Keira baby...!”  
As my tongue continued exploring and sucking inside of her, her breathing turned so heavy that I could hear her very obvious panting.  
“H-Haaaaa... H-aaaaa... N-Namjoon-ah... p-please...”  
My hands then trailed her delicate legs and toes. As I’ve had my fill of inside of her, I then stared at her exquisite gray eyes and turned on facial expression which she could only make for me.  
“N-Namjoon-ah... h-hmmm...”  
“F-Fuck Keira, you should taste yourself baby.”  
Possessing her lips and tongue on repeat, I let her taste herself that got me and my body heated up enough for the next thing.  
“Take off my clothes, love.”  
She followed suit and removed my shirt and shorts and underwear hastily as if she was just as in a trance for me as I was for her.  
“Don’t hold yourself back from your screams okay my love? We are just getting started.”  
“Fuck Namjoon-ah...”  
As we were now bare and sweaty for each other, I moved on top of her with the bed sheets still surrounding us both as if it were our little fortress.  
“I’m going to make you feel absolutely amazing all over again my love, are you ready?”  
“Y-Yes...”  
Without second thoughts, I split both of her legs apart and led my inner god straight inside of her that it made her moan and scream the loudest I’ve ever heard from her mouth.  
“A-aaah...! A-aaah...! N-Namjoon-ah...!”  
“S-Shit Keira, when did you become so tight baby?”  
As I finally made it inside of her, I slowly thrusted and began the pace. Somehow it reminded me of our _first time_ together back that certain summer. Her body and everything else about her made my whole body and thought process scream in euphoria.  
“F-Fuck Namjoon-ah... m-move...”  
“F-Fuck, I’ll move faster then...”  
Keira screamed again in pleasure as I fastened the pace a little bit. I decided to pull her up and embrace her instead in my arms as I continued leading our bodies together. She wrapped her arms around my neck tightly as I found her lips once again with mine.  
“M-mmm... h-haaaa... N-Namjoon-ah... I-I love you...”  
“A-aaah... I love you too Keira, fuck you’re so beautiful my love... so fucking beautiful...”  
As our bodies and lips and tongues continued to be in harmony all together, I lost how many times Keira and I lost our senses in ecstasy. How her body heat reacted so wholly with mine just made me mind blown again and again as if this is the first time we’ve done it together.  
“N-Namjoon-ah, mmm... I’m... I need to cum...”  
Kissing her eyelids, I quickened my thrusts inside of her and she countered back as much as we were able to.  
“S-Shit, Keira...! G-Go baby...”  
“A-Aaaah...!”  
When we reached the climax, the two of us just embraced each other still heavily panting from the intensity and heat of what just happened.

Pushing back a strand of Keira’s hair behind her ear, she just smiled sheepishly at me saying,  
“H-Haaa... h-aaaa... that was... something else...”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“D-Damn, don’t tempt me to do it right here, right now again baby.”  
I just kissed her one more time on her sweaty cheeks and gently let her body rest back on the bed and I laid down next to her on cue.  
“I-I’ve never seen you being this aggressive... it reminds me of the first time we did this...”  
Caressing her still rosy cheeks from the afterglow of our lovemaking, I just pecked the tip of her nose this time and said to her,  
“You’re the only woman who can drive me insane like this.”  
Her eyes immediately turned sadden at my words.  
“Keira, did I say something wrong baby?”  
I placed my fingers on her chin as she looked up at me, both gray and brown eyes reflected on each other’s.  
“Uh-uh... it’s just... it’s making me feel queasy when you tell me things like that even though... we’re not together anymore...”  
With a sigh, I just smiled at her usual sincere honesty and told her while pulling her closer to me and hugged her again for the hundredth time,  
“If fate cheated on us, _we can cheat on it just for tonight._ Even if we don’t know what’s going to happen to us tomorrow, just knowing the fact that we still feel the same for each other right this very moment, I’ll remember that for the rest of my life, Keira.”  
“N-Namjoon-ah...”  
To be honest, I would do anything to stop time right now so we can stay like this forever but... life will always be a funny thing. _Both for me, and for her._

“Tell me, Namjoon-ah. Tell me everything that happened with you and the guys for the past year.”  
Right after our intense lovemaking, Keira and I were now having _heart to heart conversations_ in the bathtub together.  
“What do you want to know?”  
She just looked at me curiously with those gleaming gray eyes and her dripping wet hair that made me catch a few deep breaths as she chuckled while scrubbing my hair with shampoo.  
“Of course everything, most especially during when you guys were invited to be at _Grammy’s_ in the U.S. just this year! Oh! And of course your _BBMA’s_ performance too...!”  
My heart went thump after thump like an idiot at the way she was so happily smiling at me right now. If this was a dream, I didn’t ever want to wake up. Because really, it just felt too good to be true. With a teasing grin, I said to her,  
“You’re really getting energetic for some reason even when you just told me you were tired after what we just did.”  
Keira quickly flushed at my remark as she then splashed me with some water.  
“H-Hey, no dirty talk right now Namjoon-ah...! And of course, my body still hurts a bit because you were being too aggressive. You dorky god of destruction,”  
I couldn’t help but laugh heartily at her reaction that I just moved closer to her and pecked Keira on the lips saying,  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Then stop looking at me with those alluring gray eyes of yours like you want me to attack you mademoiselle, because this bathtub will be christened for the first time.”  
Keira then didn’t hesitate to pinch me on both sides of my cheeks telling me,  
“Don’t you even dare. Do you really want to break your tub that badly? And I’m still sore all over cause of you...!”  
Her gray eyes then on cue turned wide and started shaking when I then pulled her closer to me that as our faces were only millimeters apart and I could feel her breathing so close, I just wrapped my arms around her waist and _pressed_ _a kiss on the gold necklace_ around her neck saying with a grin,  
“I know how to make your sores go away, my love.”  
“How so?”  
And before we both knew it, the two of us then got lost in each other’s warmth all over again as my wet lips found hers in perfect time.

 _A little while later..._  
“W-Wow...! You all look so handsome!”  
“Really? All of us? What about me?”  
After taking a bath together, the two of us found ourselves watching our _Billboard Music Awards_ performance on the TV in the living room. I let Keira wear another one of my oversized white shirts and boxer shorts even though they were so big on her. Although... it still looked so much better on her really.  
“Jeez, you know I’m not one to pick favorites Namjoon-ah. But of course, you look very handsome on stage too.”  
“Good to know.”  
I told her the gist of everything that had happened for the group since last year just as she had wanted. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her smile and eyes as if she was sparkling in my own gaze. Grabbing my phone, I also couldn’t help but snap stolen photos of her smiling for me so I can keep them as my little but important memories of her. Of us in this present.  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“She’s so breathtaking...”_  
“I love you.”  
“?!”  
Keira just looked puzzled and flustered at what I just blurted out unknowingly while blocking my camera’s view from taking more shots of her.  
“W-Where did that suddenly come from?”  
Showing Keira the photos I took of her, I just pressed a kiss on her forehead and said in all honesty on my part,  
“I wanted to tell you that on repeat in case I didn’t get to tell you that a lot when we were together...”  
“N-Namjoon-ah...”  
Having mentioned the past, her eyes started watering that I could only pull her closer again to my side and let her head rest on my shoulder telling her,  
“I’m sorry for being too late, Keira.”  
“Uh-uh... like they say, _it’s better to be late than never_ , Namjoon-ah...”  
Before our little bubble pops, I promised to myself that I’ll show her how much she means to me even in the littlest time we have left.

That’s what a special woman like Keira deserved from the very start.

**  
 _ **Winter of 2019:  
Seoul, South Korea**_

 _The next day..._  
It was around past 11 in the morning when I woke up. I was still half asleep because of the long, memorable and breathless night I had spent with someone special. The sun’s rays were brightly shining through the glass windows of my apartment. To me, that was a usual morning until,  
“K-Keira?”  
I realized I woke up alone on my bed without her warmth wrapped around me anymore. As I called out to her name that echoed, there was no answer. And not to mention,  
“T-This is...”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
The familiar golden necklace just sparkled in the sunlight’s reflection as I held it anxiously in my right hand’s palm.  
 _“Goodbye for the last time, my Kim Namjoon.”_  
“S-Shit, Keira...!”  
Quickly getting off the bed, I searched every room in my apartment for her silhouette. Yet, all I got was dead silence and the echoes of the clock’s ticking.  
“Damn it...!”  
I just fell to my feet the next moment because I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t simply send her a text or call her because we didn’t have each other’s contact info anymore. And the fact that I didn’t even bother to ask what hotel she was staying at didn’t help. Last night’s memories with her really seemed to be a distant dream. A sad and heartbreaking memory.  
“K-Keira... why...”  
I asked myself pathetically while gripping tightly on to the necklace I was still holding on to.  
 _“Thank you for everything Namjoon-ssi, I’ll be alright from now on. And I’ll be sure to keep the photos you took of me from your phone too as my precious keepsake.”_  
As if the echoes of her last whispers to me and the warmth of her lips on mine for the last time before she had left the apartment lingered inside my heart, I refused to let this just end like a damn cliffhanger.  
“I’ll find you no matter what Keira, even if this is for the final time we’re going to see each other.”  
Standing back up on my own two feet, I hurriedly went back to my room and grabbed my phone before dialing someone from my recent call log.  
“Hoseok-ah? Yeah it’s me, are you awake? I need a big favor right now... how fast can you get here to my place and drive me to the airport ASAP?”

I was willing to risk anything to see Keira for the last time because it’ll feel like **_death by a thousand cuts_** if I won’t be able to tell her goodbye.

**  
 _ **Incheon International Airport:  
Incheon, South Korea**_

 _A few hours later..._  
“Go Namjoon-ah! Catch up to her!”  
“I owe you one, Hope-ah. I’ll be back!”  
As Hoseok dropped me off at the airport, I immediately made a run for it completely ignoring the groups of people who glanced at me and recognized me because there was only one person whom I want to recognize me at that very moment.  
 _“Namjoon-ssi...!”  
*thump* *thump*_  
“Fuck Keira, where are you?”

I couldn’t see any flights heading for Paris flashing on the departure schedules by the huge screen in the middle of the airport. I then headed to the ticketing area and asked the airline employees on cue,  
“Excuse me, miss! Can I ask what time is the next flight bound for Paris, France leaving today?”  
They all just exchanged worried glances at my panicked voice and said,  
“We’re sorry to inform you Kim Namjoon-ssi but,”  
“The latest flight bound for Paris had took off just now by _Gate 13_.”  
I just bowed to them quickly before I made a run for the departure gate they had mentioned.  
“Thank you...!”  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“Keira! Keira!”_  
I could only repeat her name inside my head as I kept on running, completely ignoring everything else around me.

Yet, the second I arrive there, I just watched the plane take off and heard the latest flight announcement that the plane that had took off was really bound for Paris and with that, my eyes couldn’t stop shaking.  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“F-Fuck, I’m too late...”_  
“Keira...”  
My eyes then went straight to the necklace that was still gleaming in my right hand because of the airport lights shining on it, I just continued to steady my breathing after all the running and told myself,  
“Looks like I’ll keep it safe until the next time we meet wherever you are, Keira.”  
Even though it still hurts like shit that I didn’t get to catch up to her for the last time, if this necklace was the only memory she wanted me to have at the least, maybe... _this cliffhanger_ was indeed the right ending for the both of us right now.  
 _“Who knows what’ll happen in the future, right Namjoon-ssi?”_  
“It looks like this is the real goodbye from now on, Keira.”  
Gripping tightly onto the golden locket, I just took one last deep breath for myself before I made my way back unsuccessful in the end.

It really felt like _this was the end to our story_ and the pages will no longer be continued from here on out.

***  
 _ **Epilogue:**_

_**Autumn of 2020  
Seoul, South Korea** _

“It’s been 5 years already huh, Kayla?”  
Putting down the bouquet of white roses in my arms, I just looked at the familiar girl’s bright smile behind her light brown eyes.  
“Everything’s been busy lately, with the whole new album, it’s going to be amazing...”  
I told her what had happened. Even after what had happened between Keira and I.  
“It seems she’s going to be very busy this season with her first major exhibit since last year happening soon. Taehyung-ah wouldn’t stop talking about it every time we were at recordings or even when were eating. It seems his fondness over his Keira noona hasn’t changed.”  
Ever since that last winter last year, we haven’t coincidentally seen each other. _It really felt like the last pages of our story came to life and ended already._ Me? I sometimes wake up in the morning, remembering her scent and laugh on the other side of the bed, the way her warmth and gray eyes would make me long for her. But...  
“As much as I long to have her by my side, I will respect what she had wanted for herself. And what she wanted for us. That’s the very least I can do for her after everything, right Kayla?”  
To be honest, it was hard at first. I pretended to be okay, even though I wasn’t fine at all especially I’ve had to stop myself countless times from booking a flight to Paris just to go see her for the last time. Yet, the guys were there for me every step of the way.  
“I remember Seokjin hyung so close to flipping his anger at me because of that. Yoongi hyung and Hope-ah had to calm him down right after. I admit I may have been a bit irrational, but a few months later, I gradually went back to my old self.”  
When I said my old self, what I meant to say was, I would lock myself up in my private studio room and would nonstop write songs. That’s how I coped up with everything.  
 _“I think each of us have our own coping mechanisms Namjoon-ssi. Yours is obviously composing songs while for me, it’s taking photos.”_  
“Just by recalling her not-so simple words would make me smile unknowingly. I guess that’s how much of a positive impact Keira had for me. She was positive in every way and every angle, that’s why...”  
At that very moment, her face filled with tears would linger inside my thoughts that I could only sigh.  
“If I regretted one thing, I’d take back all the times she’d cry _for me, for us_. Kayla, Keira really was unlike any other. But I guess... it’s really true that **we forget about someone long enough to forget why we needed them too.** ”  
My eyes then couldn’t stop shaking when I saw a small bouquet of white roses too displayed right beside Kayla’s picture frame, same as every year before.  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“If she sees you crying now over her Namjoon-ssi, you know she’s going to be sad too right?”_  
“It looks like Keira got to you first again for the third time huh?”  
With the smell of the scented candle wax and the flowers roaming around the room, I just wiped the tiny tears forming around my eyes telling Kayla,  
“I’ll be okay from now on, Kayla. I know I’ve told you too this since last year, but now... I’ll be looking forward to the future. I don’t know if I’ll be able to see her again, but if I do, I’ll be sure to greet her properly with a smile next time.”

Opening my umbrella, this was the first time I’ve visited where it rained ever since Kayla passed away. The autumn air carried by the autumn rain was cold, but for some reason, it wasn’t chilling. It was rather comforting.  
“You would have loved this kind of weather too, Keira.”  
I told myself with a passing chuckle as I stared lovingly at the familiar gold necklace that I always carry with me since last winter.  
 _“Autumn is really a sentimental season, wouldn’t you think Namjoon-ssi?”_  
“Really though, you could make any season sentimental Keira. Even this little one has been through a lot of seasons too already.”  
Looking up at the autumn leaves that were now getting soaked by the autumn rain, I just grabbed my phone and took a photo for remembrance.  
“The first autumn rain I’ve witnessed since coming to this place for the past 5 years.”  
I’ve always been a sentimental kind of person, but after that one woman came to my life, it’s just been doubled or maybe even tripled. And I don’t mind it at all. Because... she taught me that you don’t have to hold back on your real feelings just because you want to move on.  
“I hope the sun shines and it’s a beautiful day where you are now, Keira.”  
I whispered to the _autumn air_ as I made my way along the rainy autumn road trail and listened to the raindrops as my reassuring companion.

_A few days later..._   
_**Autumn of 2020:  
Tokyo, Japan** _

“So, what are we going to do about Keira-ssi’s invitation then?”  
Hoseok asked as all seven of us were at the airport waiting for our flight back to _Incheon_ after our 5-days special promotion for the Japanese album single release.  
“As much as we would love to all go, we can’t.”  
“We have last minute schedules because of the album release coming soon too.”  
Seokjin and Yoongi answered. Jimin and Jungkook then turned to Taehyung asking,  
“Taehyung-ah? What’s wrong?”  
“You’ve been quiet which it’s Keira noona herself we’re talking about here and you wouldn’t shut up about her exhibit for the past weeks ago.”  
Taehyung just stared into the distance as if he was thinking something to himself so seriously again as Yoongi then asked,  
“When’s the exhibit again?”  
“It’s tomorrow Yoongi hyung, I think?”  
Taking off my AirPods and closing the book I was reading, I just told them,  
“Why don’t we send her something as a congratulatory gift then?”  
They all looked at me and blinked at how I just inserted myself into the conversation so nonchalantly.  
“W-Why are you all looking at me weirdly right now huh?”  
With a sigh, Hoseok just replied while crossing his arms,  
“Namjoonie, no offense but, we were expecting you the least to speak out right now especially since we know how much Keira-ssi means to you and we would completely understand if you didn’t want to hear us talking about her.”  
Ever since last winter, the guys have been very understanding and careful of when they mention Keira’s name when we’re all together. To be honest, at first, it was hard hearing her name without thinking about _her smile and gray eyes..._ now, my feelings for Keira are still here but hearing her name didn’t seem to make me sad anymore, it was the opposite actually. And that was me being honest to my real feelings right here, right now.  
“You can talk about Keira-ssi guys. We all care about her, that’s a fact I can’t even deny. That’s why, it’s okay with me if you mention her name. I’m not going to block off her memories just like what I did before with Kayla-ssi.”  
All of them just exchanged relieved shrugs and smiles at each other as Jimin then suggested,  
“How about flowers?”  
Jungkook then seconded,  
“Right! And cake too!”  
Seokjin and Hoseok fell to a laugh together as the former pointed out in a loud voice,  
“Hey! How are we supposed to send a cake huh?!”  
“Haha, I... I can’t...! But Jiminie might be on to something, flowers are a good idea. But what kind?”  
A smile just formed on my lips as a certain memory then came to mind before I said,  
 _“W-What’s this for, guys?”_  
“Peach and pink roses.”  
All six of them then looked again at me, baffled of what I had just said.  
“What? Did I say something wrong again?”  
“Peach and pink roses?”  
“Aren’t those the same flowers we gave to Keira noona back during that photoshoot we saw her again?”  
Jimin and Jungkook asked. Us, the hyung’s just nodded as Yoongi and Seokjin replied,  
“Yeah, exactly like those.”  
“The flowers’ color meanings are perfect too if we want to congratulate her.”  
Hoseok couldn’t help but notice that not all of us were currently so engaged in the conversation at that very moment.  
“Taehyung-ah, what’s the matter? You’ve been strangely quiet for a while now, which is very weird to be honest especially since we know you’ve been the most excited too with this exhibit.”  
Taehyung just returned our worried gazes with a long sigh as he then stood up and approached me on cue.  
“Taehyung-ah?”  
“Namjoon hyung, promise me you won’t get mad at me for what I’m going to say next.”  
Uh oh. When Taehyung uses his serious voice, we all know that what he’s about to say is really important and is really bothering him.  
“Taehyung-ah, don’t be silly. When did I ever get mad at you, huh?”  
“Well remember the time when you and Keira noona were in your studio room and...?”  
 _*thump*_  
Shit. Not that memory. I almost felt myself flush before immediately cutting him off and said,  
“No, don’t finish that Taehyung-ah. Just tell me what’s bothering you that’s been so obvious to us already.”  
Playing around with his fingers, he just took another deep breath before he finally confessed,  
“Namjoon hyung, remember when all 7 of us received tickets from Keira noona almost a month ago?”  
How could I forget? I expected when she sent those tickets to our manager, she would only include the other members and not me, but knowing Keira’s sincere kindness, she wasn’t that type of person to do something like that before and even now. We were seriously thinking about going if ever we weren’t busy, but with our new album coming so soon, it wasn’t that practical. We couldn’t be selfish since we know she’s also been supporting us in her own way in another continent.  
“Yeah, I do. But... I have no idea why this connects to our conversation though?”  
Taehyung then continued and the next things he said left me surprised with my eyes turning wide indeed.  
“Well... to be honest... Keira noona sent me something separately with the tickets she gave to us... and... she had asked me to give it to you, Namjoon hyung.”  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“W-What?”  
It wasn’t only me who got shocked of what Taehyung had to say. Hoseok then exclaimed,  
“Eh? Keira-ssi sent you something that was meant for Namjoon-ah and you’re only telling him now?!”  
“Now, now, Hope-ah. Let’s give Taehyung-ah chance to finish his side of the story.”  
Yoongi told Hoseok to give me room to say,  
“Taehyung-ah, can you explain to me then what you meant Keira had sent something to you?”  
Still feeling worried, he sighed to himself before he grabbed the other small trolley he carried along with our other hand carry baggage and took out a _pale blue box and a white envelope_ from out of it.  
“What is that?”  
“Did you open what’s inside that box noona had sent hyung?”  
Jimin and Jungkook then asked curiously. Taehyung shook his head and explained before he handed over the white envelope first to me,  
“No, I don’t know what’s inside this box. Noona specifically told me not to open it in her letter for me. You should read it, Namjoon hyung.”  
Taking the white envelope, I saw Taehyung’s name written on the backside before I realized it was already unopened.  
“Are you sure, Taehyung-ah?”  
He just nodded flashing me his usual boyish, boxy smile and said,  
“You’ll know once you read what’s in the letter Keira noona wrote to me.”  
I took out the pieces of folded stationery paper inside the envelope and started reading. The other pages were meant for Taehyung, but the first one made my eyes shake as I then read it in silence.  
 _ **Are you reading this now, Kim Namjoon-ssi?**_  
 _“This is...”  
*thump* *thump*_  
However, that didn’t even come close to what I was going to see next.

_A long while later..._   
_**On the flight:** _

“K-Keira...”  
I didn’t know how to describe what I felt the moment I opened up what was inside that box. Not to mention, when I scanned through what that one woman had sent to me all the way across from another country.  
 _ **Lost in Love:** an exhibit by Miss Keira_  
 _The original portfolio_  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“She’s really calling her exhibit Lost in Love huh?”  
Keira’s photos were already beautiful from the start, but as I flipped through the photos one by one, the word _‘beautiful’_ wasn’t even enough to describe them. Not to mention...  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“These photos...”  
From the very beginning of the portfolio, I felt some sort of longing nostalgia and felt like she was trying to tell me something from the photos. Some of the photos were very familiar to me. Some weren’t. But overall, they still had the _mysterious feeling_ as if it were the first time I’ve seen her photos.

Photos from when we had just met.  
Photos of the necklace I gave to her back then.  
Photos of the places we’ve been to together.  
Photos of our memories together.  
There weren’t any photos of me until my eyes couldn’t stop shaking and my chest pounded so loud when I reached the one which was entitled, _**‘A Great Love.’**_  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“K-Keira...”  
 _Description_ : _you don’t have to be the greatest love to know that love was “A Great Love,” a love which was one for the ages._  
I still remember the day she took that photo back that certain summer.

**  
 _ **The clasped hands memory:**  
“Your hands are indeed so small.”  
“That’s cause my hands are still of a woman’s, Namjoon-ah.”  
I still could recall that one fond memory. Keira and I were comparing the sizes of our hands since she couldn’t believe that the length of our fingers are connected to our heights.  
“See how big of a difference our hand sizes are with each other’s?”  
“Yeah, it’s plain obvious.”  
Before I knew it, I gripped onto her hand tightly that it made her flush at the sudden body contact.  
*thump* *thump*  
“Always so sensitive, aren’t we mademoiselle?”  
“Namjoon-ah, that’s sly even for you...”  
“I couldn’t help myself. It reminded me so much how delicate a woman’s hands could be.”  
The littlest of compliments would instantly make her heart pound like crazy. Yet, not even those simple little beginnings were enough to keep us together._

**  
As I flipped through more of the pages in Keira’s portfolio, the happy photos were slowly turning to sad ones.

The photo under the autumn trees she took when we visited Kayla together for the first time and last time.  
The photo by the bridge when the first snow in Osaka fell.  
The photo of the cherry blossom petal she blew off from her hands that wistful spring.  
The traffic lights in Seoul. The same traffic lights that we both happened to see that summer when everything between us ended.  
The photo of the same autumn view I had seen the season before we were reunited.

All of the photos were really sentimental. _Sentimental but vagu_ e. _Vague_ because other people who didn’t know about her and our relationship wouldn’t have any idea that the story she’s trying to tell is about the two of us. _Sentimental_ because even if you had no idea it was about us, you’d remember someone you love too in your own life.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Keira you’re really... something else... back then and even now.”  
I then took out the precious necklace from my pocket as I couldn’t stop looking at the photo that was entitled, _**‘My Heart, My Trust.’**_  
 _Description_ : _If he’s reading this, I hope he knows he had all of my heart and all of my trust... and I’m glad he did._  
My eyes couldn’t stop from tearing up a little at how she described the photo of her hands holding the necklace so lovingly. Not to mention, that very memory. The very memory of me giving her that necklace echoed inside my head next.

**  
 _ **The memory of the necklace:**_  
 _I still could remember it like it was yesterday when I gave Keira that necklace. We were still in Thailand during that time and her birthday was around late into the summer. Knowing how sentimental she was, there were a lot of things I had in mind to give her. Yet, while I was roaming around together with her more than a month ago in the shopping central of Thailand, my eyes were caught in one special thing._

_“Keira, happy birthday.”  
“N-Namjoon-ssi, this is...”  
She was watching the sunrise on the beach as I then sat beside her and gave her the pink colored box. Her gray eyes couldn’t stop shaking from surprise.  
“Open it.”  
The moment Keira opened the small box in her hands, she looked at me still dumbfounded of what she saw.  
“A necklace?”  
I nodded as she slowly took the glimmering golden necklace out of the box and held it delicately in her hands.  
“It’s a locket necklace.”  
“A locket?”  
The necklace’s charm was a typical round shaped small locket with tiny white diamonds crested around the circle’s edges.  
“Can I open it?”  
I nodded with a smile telling her,  
“Of course.”  
When she opened the locket, Keira looked at me baffled of the two small photos that were placed inside.  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
Planting a kiss on her forehead, I just told her,  
“I don’t know if you wear necklaces but, I took a chance to buy it for you anyway. I hope you like it.”  
Wiping the sudden tears that then streamed down her gray eyes, she scooted closer to me and wrapped her arms around my neck saying,  
“Thank you Namjoon-ssi. Of course, I love it. How can I not love it when there’s a photo of me here and a photo of us too together?”  
Wrapping my arms around her as well, I just explained to her,  
“I accidentally borrowed your camera to get one of the photos I took of you there and of course...”  
Keira couldn’t help but let out a giggle as she then finished up my sentence,  
“This photo is the one we took together the first time we met formally at my exhibit?”  
“Thanks for finishing my sentence then.”  
She just stared lovingly at the opened locket in her hands after letting go of her arms around me saying with the brightest smile, more brighter than the sunrise itself, written all over her beautiful gray eyes and face,  
“Thank you again, Namjoon-ssi. No wonder you were so hung up on borrowing my camera a few weeks ago. And... no wonder too that I got the feeling you were hiding something from me again.”  
Kissing the tip of her nose, I gently took the necklace from her hand’s palm and said to her,  
“You know that I suck at hiding surprises, I’m glad you didn’t catch me red handed then. But...”  
Unlocking the chain, I just told her,  
“But either way, I’m glad that you love it then. Here, I’ll help you wear it.”  
Keira held her hair back as I then put on the gold necklace around her neck.  
*thump* *thump*  
(Shit, her scent is really tickling my nose so close.)  
Taking a deep breath, I couldn’t let my crazy thoughts get the best of me as I finally managed to lock the necklace in place.  
“Did you put it on, Namjoon-ssi?”  
Yet, it wouldn’t hurt to sneak one more kiss, right?  
“N-Namjoon-ssi?!”  
Keira on cue flinched the moment my lips pressed on to the back of her neckline where the lock of the necklace was.  
“There, all set.”  
As our eyes then locked on each other’s, she flushed in embarrassment and gave me an adorable pout saying,  
“J-Jeez, don’t just kiss me out of the blue especially on my neck...”  
“Sorry, I couldn’t hold back. Your reactions are just so cute.”  
I cupped her flushed up cheeks with both of my hands and pecked her on the lips for an instant second telling her,  
“This necklace isn’t enough to show you how much your worth is Keira, but I hope it shows you that you’ll have a part of us wherever and whenever.”  
“Thank you, Namjoon-ssi. You really are such a sentimental man.”  
Caressing her cheeks, my face then went closer to her chest and placed a kiss on the necklace’s locket charm before I looked into Keira’s gray eyes that were now tearing up saying,  
“N-Namjoon-ssi...”  
“I should be the one thanking you, Keira. Happy birthday, my love.”  
She didn’t hesitate to press her lips on mine next as we continued to be engulfed in each other’s warmth under the early summer morning sky._

**  
I was literally _breathless_ over all of the photos Keira took. She had outdone herself once again. If I could see her, I wouldn’t hesitate to run up to her and hug her in my arms and tell her I’m so proud of what she’s done and how hard she’s worked and how much she deserves everything she’s earned for herself now.

Yet, of course the hard reality sinks in. That wasn’t possible anymore. No matter how much I want to feel her in my arms again, I had to keep telling myself if this was what Keira had wanted for us, I’m going to respect her decision _because I love her_. I may have realized it too late and may have been too late to tell her my real feelings, she forgave me and was honest with her feelings for me in the very end. _And I guess, that was good enough for me._

I’ve told myself this for which I had lost count, if only I could turn back time, I would take back all the times I made Keira cry and made her think she wasn’t enough for me when she had always been more than enough from the very start. Just by looking at the photo she entitled _**‘Sunset,’**_ and the phrase _“shot by: my anonymous Him,”_ that very memory still served as my clear proof for the first time I acknowledged I was slowly falling for the woman behind and in front of the camera.

**  
 _ **The sunset memory:**_  
 _“1... 2... 3... smile!”  
“Hey Keira...!”  
It was around a few days before we were about to return to Seoul. The two of us were inseparable, spending time together from sunrise to sunset. Keira would randomly sneak photos of me all over again with a big grin on her face.  
“Handsome as always, jeez.”  
“Come here...!”  
She was always the one behind the camera. Yet, my curiosity grew over me one certain afternoon. She was taking stolen shots of me again by the beach as the sky was slowly turning stained red.  
“N-No...! Give my baby back Namjoon-ah...!”  
“So your camera is more of your baby than me huh?”  
I managed to snatch her camera from her as I wrapped my other free arm around her waist from behind. She gave me a quite annoyed glare saying,  
“Hmph. Now who’s the baby now huh? Taking my camera really?”  
“Now, now my love. When you look at me like that, even when you’re annoyed, you still look so pretty.”  
I then moved my face closer to hers and pecked her on the lips for a few short seconds that it made her flush.  
“J-Jeez! You’re really making it hard for me to stay mad at you Namjoon-ah!”  
“Good.”  
Before she could even react, I then focused the camera’s lens in front of her face and pressed the shutter button which made Keira’s eyes go wide.  
“Hey?! Did you just take a stolen photo of me?”  
“You do it all the time with me, so I’ll be the one doing the photos this time around. Look, it’s no doubt your camera really loves you.”  
I then showed her the photo I took of her looking straight at me with those ever mysterious gray eyes of hers which surprisingly came out well.  
“I’m the photographer here, Namjoon-ah. I’m not a model...”  
Keira looked at me shyly after seeing my shot of her. Kissing her teasingly on her right cheek, I just told her,  
“Well, you’re going to be my model just for today then.”  
“W-What?!”  
She looked at me baffled of what I had just said. Taking her hand, I then dragged both of us closer towards the sea as I then pointed the camera again to her saying,  
“Now smile for me, my love.”_

_I don’t know why Keira said she had to be always behind the camera. She was more beautiful than any woman I’ve encountered, and I’ve encountered a lot in this industry. Every shot I took of her, there was something so genial about her.  
*thump* *thump*  
(Even the sunset’s view isn’t enough to describe her beauty...)  
“N-Namjoon-ah? You turned quiet? Is something wrong?”  
She asked worriedly as I just looked at her frozen and staring at her gray eyes that were clearly reflected on mine.  
“No... I just think you’re the best model I have the honor of taking photos for.”  
“There you go again,”  
Keira just laughed so candidly that I had to instantly take a photo of it and I‘m glad I managed to get it at that very quick but perfect moment.  
“N-Namjoon-ah?!”  
“Now this is what I call a masterpiece.”  
As I showed her the photo on her camera, Keira quickly turned embarrassed as she covered her face with both of her hands saying,  
“J-Jeez... this is why I should be the one behind the camera... seeing photos of myself in my own camera can be really embarrassing...”  
Without hesitation I put down her camera and removed both of her hands that were covering her face and made both of our lips touch that she was slightly taken aback.  
“W-What was that for?”  
Caressing both of her cheeks as we then looked into each other’s eyes under the witness of the sunset sky, both gray and brown ones, I just told her,  
“For being adorable and two, for thinking you’re not beautiful when you’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever laid eyes on.”  
“A-And the Kim Namjoon that can make any girl weak in the knees is back...”  
I couldn’t help but chuckle at her reaction that I just whispered in her ear,  
“But I’m the only one who can make you weak in the knees on the bed.”  
“J-Jeez, stop teasing me like that you perv!”  
As she slapped me on the chest playfully, Keira then without second thoughts wrapped her small arms around me and laid her head on my chest saying,  
“Thank you for always making me feel beautiful, Kim Namjoon-ssi. You really have a way with words and even with photos too.”  
Returning her embrace, I just kissed the top of her head telling her,  
“Because that’s what you deserve, my love. I won’t hesitate to tell you that again and again.”_

_We continued to hug each other for a few more minutes before I took more photos of her even if Keira was reluctant about it. Yet, it was true what they say that the ones who take beautiful photos are also just as beautiful from behind their camera, and that one photo of her candid smile being surrounded by the stained colors of the sunset sky was the one photograph I captured of her I’ll never forget._

**  
As I reached the end of the portfolio, I was then stunned when there was a short handwritten note written on a small blue colored memo on the very last photo entitled, _**‘Death by a Thousand Cuts.’**_  
 _Saying goodbye was indeed a death by a thousand cuts, but I’ll be alright now.  
I hope you too will be alright from now on,  
my heart, my trust, my Kim Namjoon-ssi.  
_

 _*thump* *thump*_  
“Keira...”  
The last photo was a simple but charming photo of Keira looking back at the camera with that ever genuine and sincere smile of hers evident all over her face and gray eyes at the airport. _The very day she had left to go back to Paris_. And the very day I didn’t catch up to say goodbye to her as I was only left with the same necklace in my hands now as my last bit of memory of her. Of us.

Wiping the obvious tears that were now streaming from my eyes, I had almost missed the last part of Keira’s note that then said,  
 _My Kim Namjoon-ssi, all of these photos are my personal **love letters** to you. I may not be good with words like you are, but I want to be sure to tell you all of my feelings from the very start up to the end through this exhibit. That’s why I named it, ‘Lost in Love.’  
I will never forget you for as long as I live._

_**PS** : don’t forget to flip the photos over for the last part of my message for you. I wish you happiness always, my Kim Namjoon-ssi._

_From your fan who takes the most random photos of you and who will always support you even from afar.  
— Keira, your love and mademoiselle._

“K-Keira...”  
Doing what she had said, my eyes couldn’t stop shaking again and my heart accelerated on cue as I finished flipping slowly the _13_ photos she had told me to take out and connected the sentences and meaning of her photos she wanted for only me to puzzle out and read and understand.  
 _*thump* *thump* *thump*_  
“T-This is...”  
 ** _We begin our story in Thailand._**  
“The photo from the day we met at her exhibit.”  
 ** _There once was a girl known by everyone, except for one._**  
“The photo I took of her under the sunset sky in Phuket.”  
 _ **Her heart belonged to someone whose heart couldn’t be reached.**_  
“The photo of her holding on to the necklace I gave her.”  
 _ **They loved each other but recklessly,**_  
“The photo where we clasped and held onto each other’s hands.”  
 _ **She paid the price.**_  
“The photo of her holding that cherry blossom petal during that heart-wrenching spring.”  
 _ **She thought she could forget him.**_  
“A photo she took of the autumn scenery that we were both familiar with.”  
 ** _He thought he could forget her._**  
“A photo of the white roses she brings every year for Kayla.”  
 _ **The traffic lights could not forget them.**_  
“The photo of the traffic lights in Seoul during that very cruel summer.”  
 _ **She only saw him in her dreams.**_  
“The photo of that winter day by the bridge in Osaka.”  
 _ **Then one winter day, he came back.**_  
“The photo during her exhibit in Paris where we met once again.”  
 _ **Timing is a funny thing,**_  
“The stolen photo I took of her while she was doing our photoshoot for _Billboard Korea_ that day we coincidentally saw each other again.”  
 _ **And so is fate.**_  
“The photo of the necklace with the pink and peach roses.”  
 _ **In the end, they lost themselves in love but she still somehow found herself... and to her, that was everything.**_  
“The last photo in the portfolio where she was smiling so brightly at the airport. The same day she had left for Paris once again.”

 _*thump* *thump*_  
“I’ll never forget you for as long as I live too, Keira.”  
Closing the portfolio, I let the rest of my tears fall down as I stared at the scenic view of the sky’s clouds outside of the windows from my seat as I remembered one woman’s smile and voice lingering inside my head on cue.  
 _“Let’s look forward to the future from now on, okay Namjoon-ssi?”_

**  
 _ **Autumn of 2020:  
Paris, France**_

“Excuse me, do you have _pink and peach_ colored roses available?”  
I don’t know why and how I ended up arriving here at the _City of Love_ itself last night, but here I am. I still could recall my conversation with the guys also the same night the second I called them when I arrived at my hotel.

“N-Namjoon hyung, you know that it’s early morning here at the moment, right?”  
Taehyung’s sleepy voice echoed on the other line as he picked up my call.  
“Where are Seokjin hyung and the rest?”  
“Ahhh, your voice is so loud in the morning Namjoon-ah.”  
“Can you tone it down a bit? We’re finally enjoying some good sleep after we came back from Japan.”  
“Seokjin hyung! Yoongi hyung!”  
And then before I knew it, the rest of the members’ voices also echoed.  
“For real Namjoon-ah... you’re really gonna be calling us in the middle of the early morning...?”  
“Yeah what Hoseok hyung said...”  
“Hyung I love you and all but please... I love sleep even more right now.”  
Ignoring their grumbling complaints, I then asked on cue,  
“Did you guys really plan on not telling me that you changed my flight schedule? Does manager hyung even know about this?”  
They just exchanged innocent shrugs at each other as Seokjin then said nonchalantly,  
“Namjoon-ah, of course manager hyung knows. He was the one who made the flight schedule changes in the first place.”  
“What?!”  
With a yawn, Hoseok stretched out his arms before he said facing the screen,  
“But really we were the ones who asked him if it was okay to change your flight schedule~”  
“Hope-ah...!”  
Yoongi then inserted,  
“Namjoon-ah, just don’t think too much and enjoy your short time there in Paris.”  
“What do you mean?”  
The three maknaes then snuck suspicious grins at each other as Taehyung then said firsthand before Jimin and Jungkook followed up saying,  
“Ah right, the tickets for Keira noona’s exhibit are inside your passport hyung!”  
“Don’t forget to buy the flowers hyung!”  
“And the cake too!”  
So this was their purpose all along huh?  
 _*thump* *thump*  
“Shit, this is one big surprise all right...”_  
“The six of you are sneaky as always, you know that?”  
I just shook my head in disbelief as they just gave each other a passing smile before Hoseok told me,  
“Go give her _**that letter**_ once and for all, Namjoon-ah.”  
When Hoseok mentioned the letter, I felt my heart’s beating ring inside my ears.  
 _*thump* *thump*_  
“H-Hope ah,”  
“Hoseok-ah’s right Namjoon-ah. This is the chance you’ve been waiting for since last year.”  
“Seokjin hyung...”  
“And don’t forget to congratulate her too for all of us.”  
“Yoongi hyung...”  
It was still sinking in how much effort the six of them had done for me, whether in the past and even now. I felt my chest going all warm and fuzzy with emotion.  
“Thank you guys... I don’t know what I’d do without the six of you really...”

“Merci.”  
Holding the bouquet of pink and peach roses in my arms, I still could remember Taehyung’s last words during the video call last night before they hanged up.  
 _“Namjoon hyung, go tell Keira noona your feelings in the best way you can... the same way she had told you her feelings through her photos.”  
“Taehyung-ah really hit me with those words of his...”_  
Walking along the serene streets of Paris in the fall, I then found myself entering a small but cozy looking bookstore to grab some important things before heading my way to where the exhibit was going to be held.

_Moments later..._

_*thump* *thump*  
“Why am I suddenly getting cold feet huh? Damn it...”_  
As I found myself standing now right outside of the exhibit’s venue with the _bouquet on my left hand and the small white box_ I brought from the bookstore a while ago on my other hand, I almost flinched when I then heard,  
“Everything is amazing, mademoiselle Keira.”  
“This exhibit really brought out your real potential.”  
Among the crowds of people surrounding a certain special someone, I almost had to catch my breath for the countless time when my brown ones then caught sight of those always _mysterious gray eyes and familiar smile_.  
“Thank you, that really means a lot to me.”  
Her voice echoed faintly as if it was being carried by the autumn breeze straight towards my own ears.  
 _*thump*  
“K-Keira...”_  
Seeing her silhouette again after almost a year since what happened, Keira was shining brightly more than ever in my eyes. The _baby blue dress she was wearing paired with her white open heels and knee-length white coat made her a sore for the eyes too_. Her hair had gotten a bit longer, yet it still fits her so much. Her gray eyes were sparkling more than the lights being lit up in the room. She didn’t need so much makeup to make the one thing that stands out so much about her, _her ever heartfelt smile_. The smile on her face was so overjoyed, it made me remember the note she left on the last page of her personal portfolio for me.  
 _“I hope you too will be alright from now on,  
my heart, my trust, my Kim Namjoon-ssi.”_  
“I’ll be alright too from now on, Keira. Even when we’re not together anymore, even the endless maze will still be a paradise... because you exist.”  
A smile just formed on my lips as I then took a deep breath before taking a step forward.

_A few hours later...  
Evening of the same day_

“So Namjoon-ah, how was the exhibit?”  
I was standing by an unfamiliar street under the street lights in Paris that I didn’t even notice there were _traffic lights_ too. But somehow, **it felt like deja vu**. Hoseok’s voice snapped me back to reality as we were talking on the phone.  
“...”  
“Namjoon-ah? Are you okay?”  
“A-Ah sorry Hope-ah, just dazed out. What did you say again?”  
He just sighed from the other line and asked straight on,  
“You didn’t go to Keira-ssi’s exhibit then?”  
“How did you know?”  
Hoseok then said to me,  
“Because that’s the type of person you are, Namjoon-ah.”  
“Hope-ah...”  
“You didn’t want to get in the way of her happiness that she found by standing back on her own two feet?”  
I had no choice but to nod because he could easily read me and see through me like a book.  
“Just by seeing Keira’s smile for the last time seemed more than enough for me, Hope-ah. Not to mention, I didn’t want what had happened last winter to happen again if I came unannounced.”  
“Taehyung-ah and the rest of us saw the flowers she had posted in her _SNS_ and blog already. So, you really chose the same _peach and pink roses_ huh?”  
Looking up at the night sky, I just told him,  
“Yeah, since she really loved those flowers too back then.”  
“Namjoon-ah, are you sure about not seeing her? Didn’t you want to see her face to face even for the last time?”  
Closing my eyes, I just ignored the rest of my surroundings, the cars honking, the scent of the smoke from cars passing by, and people whispering and walking by as my mind then went to recall what I put inside that small white box I left together with the bouquet.

_**To: Miss Keira,** _

_“We ran and ran endlessly,  
But all the fake noise,  
Can’t tear us apart.  
It’s true baby.”_

_I don’t know where to even begin Keira..._

_I don’t know if it’s even proper to tell you I’m sorry or that I love you or anything like that..._

_I’m at a loss for words whenever it comes to you ever since... and even now... which is kind of awkward since you’ve always told me words are my biggest strength right?_

_So... I’ll just ask you... how are you, mademoiselle?  
Are you properly eating? Are you staying healthy? Are you taking care of yourself even when you’re staying alone in your own place? I hope you don’t forget to keep yourself healthy even when you’re so busy now._

_I’ve been trying to write this letter for you ever since that day at the airport. Yes, I never had the guts to send you any letters because... I was afraid... I was afraid of breaking my promise to you that I’ll respect whatever you had wanted for yourself and for us. But, it was also you who taught me that I should just be honest with my feelings... and this very letter is me being honest with my feelings for you, Keira._

_When you handed over that towel and shirt to me back at the nature park, I didn’t know who you were until the volunteer had mentioned your name, but your ever mysterious gray eyes had caught me on first sight.  
When we first met, I didn’t know why but I’ve always felt curious to know more about you. It didn’t feel like we were complete strangers who had just met that same day.  
When we started spending more time together, you made it so easy to let my heavy walls down just by a smile or a laugh.  
You were a breath of fresh summer air for me even beneath the pain I was busily running away from.  
When I first kissed your lips and made love to you, it really was unlike any feeling I’ve felt in years. You were perfect in every way, Keira.  
When you said ‘yes,’ to giving our relationship a try, I was really expecting you’d turn me down there at the beach under the sunset sky, but... you really made me surprised once again._

_You always had._

_When you risked your current life to come back with me to Seoul just so we could be together, you really were unlike any other woman I’ve met before.  
When you didn’t hesitate to tell the label’s boss you were seeing someone from the company, you touched me with your never ending honesty.  
When you get behind the camera every time we were on a shoot and go on professional mode, you made my heart skip like an idiot although I couldn’t tell you that face to face.  
When you gave me those heartfelt gifts before my birthday, I then realized once again that I didn’t deserve someone as genuine as you are Keira._

_I guess this is the part now where I should apologize to you for what I did afterwards.  
I’m sorry for not appreciating you more when you surprised me with the guys when you gave me the cake and greeted me happy birthday.  
I’m sorry for keeping my distance from you without giving you any reason why I did.  
I’m sorry for making you cry by that bridge when it was your first time in Osaka during winter.  
I’m sorry for making you feel that you had to be the one to keep our relationship together.  
I’m sorry for making you feel that you weren’t enough when you’ve always been more than enough from the very beginning.  
I’m sorry for being the reason why your heart was breaking while watching the cherry blossom petals fall that spring.  
I’m sorry for not chasing after you when you told me you wanted our relationship to end that sad summer.  
And...  
I’m sorry for not telling you “I love you” even once when we were still together._

_Ever since then, it felt like I was then left to wander the dark maze alone without you anymore to hold my hand and made such a long endless maze feel like paradise just by being right beside me._

_Then, who would’ve thought that I would see you again entering the maze when we saw each other again that one winter day, right?_

_Keira, the very moment I laid eyes on your gray gaze again after everything that had happened between us, I knew I was still in love with you.  
The very moment you pulled my hand even when you were annoyed with seeing me again, I still felt that same kindness I did when we were still together.  
The very moment you stared at me with tears again streaming down your beautiful pair of gray eyes, I felt my heart shatter into a thousand pieces because I was the reason for those tears.  
Yet, the very moment I tasted your lips again with mine, it felt like things never ended between us until... until you told me straight up that you didn’t want to see me again._

_You had every right to tell me that, Keira. Especially since not even a thousand apologies would’ve been enough to make you forgive me._

_However... when we walked into that photoshoot knowing you’d be the one behind the camera shooting us, I just knew. I just knew I couldn’t let you slip away from my hands again.  
And when you were about to chase that boy too who picked up the necklace that holds the last bit of our memories together, my heart felt like it was being stabbed that I couldn’t bear to see you go after another man._

_It felt like the maze brought you back to me so you can be my guiding light and guide me out of the darkness once and for all._

_Nevertheless, it was clear that you didn’t want anything to do with me every time you looked up at me with those gray eyes of yours with such a pained expression._

_So, I just watched you walk away again.  
It felt like deja vu._   
_A very hurtful deja vu._

_Not knowing how to make things right again between us, I felt at a loss and then... one call changed it all._

_While I watched you sleeping on my bed in my apartment, I had to tell myself that I wasn’t dreaming and you really were right in front of my sight again._

_Even what happened the next day still felt like a dream. Hearing your voice echo and having your scent taking over my senses so up close, I was instantly drawn on repeat for you Keira. When you made those pancakes and raised your voice at me for making fun of you being drunk like in the past, my heart leaped that I couldn’t stop myself of course from wanting to feel you so close to me, both your heart and your body._

_Making love to you always left me breathless. There was no wrong or right thing just as long as you were with me._

_When you then confessed to me so vulnerably that you still felt the same way I did but you had to hold yourself back because you didn’t want to get hurt again by me, I had never felt happier and confused than that very moment. Because knowing that you had forgiven me a long time already and you still loved me in spite of what I had done, I could finally forgive myself too for being a fool for not showing how much love you had deserved from the beginning Keira._

_At this part of my last love letter for you, I’m writing this after I had seen your personal love letters for me._

_No words are enough to describe how much you mean to me, Keira.  
We may not know what’s going to happen for the both of us from this point on, but I hope you remember that, I’ll never forget you too for as long as I live.  
I know too this may not be fitting to say, but I’ll say it anyway...  
I love you, Keira._

_Thank you for giving “your heart” and “your trust” to a guy like me even if I didn’t deserve it.  
I hope life is going to be amazing for you too because you deserve it, love.  
You shine the most when you’re achieving your dreams with that ever sincere smile on your face. And you will keep shining in my eyes even if we’re continents apart._

_If I could have one more chance to hug you in my arms and kiss you for the last time, I would tell you that nobody can stop you from spreading your wings now, Keira. And that... I’m proud of you, I’ll always be happy for you and... I’ll be alright from now on too._

_That’s why, the next time fate decides to make us meet again, I can’t wait to see your genuine smile and your ever mysterious gray eyes. And to hear your voice calling out to my name with a genial expression... since that’s the Keira I know and love, and will continue to love._

_Even if we’re not together, even an endless maze will still be paradise._

_I’m giving you back the last memento that holds us and our memories together. I hope you’ll keep it safe like you always did, my love._

_This has been a long letter already huh?_

_I’ll just tell you something that Taehyung had said that struck a real cord with me,  
“Namjoon hyung, go tell Keira noona your feelings in the best way you can... the same way she had told you her feelings through her photos.”  
I’ll always remember from now on what you’d said to me back then, that my words and songwriting are my biggest assets aside from my dimples._

_So, I may be seasons late and two years late, but...  
Keira, this song is for you.  
I wrote this because even if it felt like I was still trapped in the maze of my past back then, it still felt like paradise because you were holding on to my hand and we were together.  
I hope it reaches you now and that you’ll think of me whenever you listen to it from now on._

_ For: Keira  
 **“Love Maze”** _

‘Cause I’ll be in love maze  
‘Cause I’ll be in love maze

Trapped in a maze of decisions  
Exhausted by all the different chaos  
We’ve wandered around, looking for the answer  
Lost in the maze, in the darkness

We ran and ran endlessly  
But all the fake noise  
Can’t tear us apart  
It’s true baby

We must believe only in ourselves  
Can’t let go of each other’s hands  
We need to be together forever

People say  
That I’ll end up a fool  
But I don’t wanna use my head  
I don’t wanna calculate  
Love ain’t a business  
Rather like a fitness  
I’ve never been in a calculating love  
I know it’ll be cold like winter  
But I still wanna try  
If you push me, I’ll fall, just raise me up again  
Even if I pull, you don’t have to come  
Let them be them  
Let us be us  
Love is a maze damn  
But you is amaze yeah

Take my ay ay hand, don’t let go  
Lie ay ay in this maze  
My ay ay never lose me  
In love maze  
Take my ay ay hand, don’t let go  
My ay ay come closer  
My ay ay never go away  
In love maze

No matter what others say, don’t listen  
Just let’em talk, whatever they say  
The more they do, the more I’m sure  
Yeah yeah yeah  
Yeah yeah yeah

Can’t you hear me, you have to trust me  
Baby just don’t give a damn  
Promise, promise me

All around us is a maze, different paths  
We’re walking in this abyss  
There’s a thin light over there  
I hope we’re going toward paradise  
Know this, sometimes lies will try to tear us apart  
Hardships will try to deceive us but  
Just focus on me then  
In the darkness, just the two of us is enough  
In all these lies  
If we’re together, even an endless maze is paradise

Take my ay ay hand, don’t let go  
Lie ay ay in this maze  
My ay ay never lose me  
In love maze

What can we do? We did the official thing  
So we need to follow the rules  
Even in this wandering maze  
Even on this mysterious path  
We’re taking care of each other  
I always think, even if eternity is hard  
I wanna try it, let’s be forever  
Our own mountain, our own climb  
Our own world, our own heart  
Travel toward the exit  
Held together, our hands become a map

Take my ay ay hand, don’t let go  
Lie ay ay in this maze  
My ay ay never lose me  
In love maze  
Take my ay ay hand, don’t let go  
My ay ay come closer  
My ay ay never go away  
In love maze

_You’ll always be my light in the love maze, Keira.  
— your heart, your trust, your Kim Namjoon_

“I can’t believe I really wrote such a long letter... yet...”  
At the back of my mind, if that was my last chance of giving Keira a _**love letter**_ that contained everything I should’ve said from the start, I don’t regret every word I had written there then.

As I was snapped back to reality while wiping a bit of dry tears forming around the corners of my eyes, I then stared straight up at the bright billboard that then flashed our group’s album comeback photo with the _traffic lights in Paris_ turning to green which signaled it was okay to cross the road again. And right then and there, my chest’s pounding then started ringing in my ears when my brown eyes couldn’t stop shaking at the sight I then saw.  
 _*thump* *thump* *thump*  
“I-It couldn’t be...”_  
As the autumn’s breeze passed by and made that person’s hair dance in the wind before they stared at the same billboard I happened to look at and the street lights reflected _a familiar golden necklace I knew **all too well**_ , my lips just turned to a smile as I then made the first step to cross the street saying,  
“Miss Keira?”

Even if the next morning comes, and she’s not my baby anymore, I’ll still leave my windows boarded up for one woman.

_I’ll still leave my windows boarded up for you, Keira._

_**— End —** _

***  
 ~~ _finished:07/22/2020_~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU for reading through the journey of Namjoon and Keira’s story in Death by a Thousand Cuts 🥺💜🚦
> 
> DBATC means a whole lot to me as well as All Too Well and Love Maze. I connected them together just to make this story more meaningful.
> 
> So thank you for all the positive messages! 😳
> 
> Stay tuned for my next main story featuring Min Yoongi soon! 🥀
> 
> Bye for now 👋🏻


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